A Personal Story of Healing Anxiety through Ceremony on Haida Gwaii, British Columbia.
A few years ago, while on Haida Gwaii (Islands off the northwest coast of British Columbia), I got to know a group of native healers over the course of several weeks as I worked at a bed and breakfast there. This group of healers went from community to community and held ceremonies for those who have been traumatized by the Canadian Residential School System. After having had many mutually heartfelt conversations with this beautiful group of people, I gained so much respect for them and for what they were doing. I was grateful enough just having met them, I hadn’t anticipated that these wonderful people were about to help heal my heart as well.
There were 4 healers in total. An elder would bring a person into the middle of a circle, which was formed by the whole community, and conduct the healing ceremony with tobacco and boughs of cedar and fir. The community would stand together while compassionately baring witness to that person as they expressed and let go of their pain. One of the other men in the group would beat his drum, while everyone else would join in singing. Another woman would stand in the centre of the circle with the person for whom the ceremony was being conducted, holding both their hands and space for them as they grieved for their individual, and by extension, collective losses.
Afterwards, the elder who had performed the ceremony would bring the person to the ocean’s edge where they would wash their face with sea water and express their gratitude to the creator, ancestors, the earth and the great spirit. Another elder would then offer counselling to the person after the ceremony was finished. While I did not personally go to any of the ceremonies, as it was not my place to go, over the course of the 3 weeks they were there, I learned so much from these beautiful people. We shared many stories amongst us, and when they asked me about my own history, I told them more than I thought I would, and shared that I had been working on my own recovery after having endured a difficult childhood. I kept the sharing of my story brief, as these people encountered so much suffering in their work already; so I certainly hadn’t expected that one of the elders would approach me on their last day, offering to hold a small ceremony for me before they left. Initially, I thought that I should refuse and just thank them for the incredibly kind offer, but the soft yet serious look in his eyes told me that he wasn’t just being polite, and I was inspired by a deeper wisdom to accept his offer, which is what I did…
The ceremony began as I entered the circle and stood barefoot upon cedar boughs. As the elder began smudging me, I remember how my body began to vibrate as the others surrounding me drummed and prayed. Almost immediately as the elder began speaking, I felt my body want to crumple to the ground. But the elder would not let me fall. Instead, he ordered me to lean into it. But as my tears began to flow, I once again felt my body give out from under me. This time, the elder pushed against me and said in a sterner tone, lean into it! I managed to forget about myself and my pain for a brief enough moment because he caught me off guard; I hadn’t expected that he would be so firm with me. That window was just small enough where I managed to listen to what he told me, stood up and straighten my posture. Although my tears continued to flow, everything now felt different as my body learned that anxiety was something one could live through and not die – or die through and live…
After the ceremony was over, I felt like something had profoundly changed within me, but I had no words to explain it.
In the subsequent months after the ceremony, I would face more panic attacks, but each time after, I would hear that elder’s voice telling me to lean into it, I would listen to his instructions as though he were right beside me. Eventually, by repeating this process again and again, as I grieved years of trapped pain, I began to feel the warm growth of genuine self-compassion take root within me as my panic attacks became fewer and fewer.
Years later, I still attribute this ceremony and credit these generous people with helping me learn how to end excruciating anxiety attacks that had been plaguing me throughout my entire life.
That elder’s simple yet powerful words lean into it, combined with the energy of that moment stayed with me long after I left Haida Gwaii, and I know I will never forget them or the incredible kindness they extended to me.
In facing my anxiety, pain, and fears head on, I subsequently learned to face myself. I learned to bare witness and hold space for my own suffering, and therefore was able to sow the seeds of self-compassion that I would need to finally be able to grow genuine self-acceptance, imperfections and all. Self-acceptance was no longer just an empty platitude that only managed to bring more shame.
And while my anxiety still rears its ugly head from time to time, the difference now, is that I have absolute confidence in my ability to move through; instead of my anxiety attacks having me, I intentionally choose to meet them, which gradually takes away their power.
And despite this experience being very personal, I thought I’d take the chance to share it here in the hope that we can all create just a little more space for ourselves and the suffering that inevitably comes for us all, regardless of background.
AGAIN
Chest tight
Throat constricted
With a heavy heart
I stand weak
Lean into it…
the wind blew
Suddenly aware
Generations of regret
Sway…
Unlived spasms
Swirl and transform…
Between creaking branches
Flickering under tension
Haunting and unknown mystery
rips a hole
through which the timeless
Drumming can begin
My throat closes
A raven cries overhead
As I pray for breath
Sticky Fir boughs
Glue my feet
to the earth
and all the pain
the world has ever known
…I have ever known
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Again
I try to listen
Where did that raven go?
Stand up!
I am ordered
I am shoved
Back to the present
Hard enough to give me a choice
Stand tall or fall to my knees
Lean into it
The trees groaned
Again
My heart pounding
In time with the beating of the drum
A universal symphony
Rides upon curled smoke
A conduit
Traces a hole through the cedar sky
Waves crash in the distance
An escape which now
Abandons me
Painfully aware
Of my lost ancestry…
my lost soul
Toes digging deep
through cool cedar
piercing into the earth
My mother, my guide
Taking a stand
I listen…
To the silence
Where ancient worlds
Collide
Circling
Somewhere off in the distance
My raven gurgles
Again
Rivers stream
Burning tobacco drips onto the ground
carrying a long-forgotten prayer
Between the drum beats
Between the crashing
Ebb and flow of life
And death
Arms tingling down
vibrating waves
into legs that do not feel like my own
Up through the cool ground
Soft needles lay flat
Against my bare feet
Deeply rooted
As flush branches bridge
mind and soul
Riding heavy smoke
High beyond the overcast sky
Merging time with space
Showing me the way
To mourn
Generations of pain
So I can live
Again
