What I was Like, What Happened, What I’m Like Now
I want people who need to see this, to see this.
When I talk to people about my struggle with alcohol, my journey to sobriety, I generally explain it by saying, What I’m Like Now.
The most important thing to portray is something I was told early on, “Living Sober is an awesome way to live”. It helps to share what I’m feeling now, how things are going. I really don’t like remembering What I was Like, or What Happened, I still carry a fair bit of shame from those times.
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I also realize other people that struggle with substance abuse may benefit from the “What Happened” part my story. I am solidly sober now, but to get here was unequivalently difficult. The early days of sobriety are honestly unexplainable, counting days while fighting cravings with an addicted brain is the strangest battle. I like to say “It’s like, you’re using your brain, to trick your brain, into not doing something, your brain is telling you to do?”.
For the longest time I knew I was an alcoholic, but I no idea what to do about it. I honestly thought it would just go away, I would grow out of it. I would regularly swear off alcohol. To other people that had heard me make this declaration before, it probably sounded ridiculous, but internally I really meant it. Sometimes I truly believed it. I specifically remember waking up one Sunday with another hangover, I walked outside and thought “at least this is the last hangover I’ll ever have, I’m quitting today”. I truly believed that I would never drink again. I drank for three more years.
Things got worse when adult life got harder. I had no coping mechanisms to deal with life on lifes terms. My drinking got worse; I was no longer a party animal that binged too hard on weekends. Once I started drinking there was no stopping me, and at that point I had no control of when I was going to start drinking. It would just sort of happen, I felt like I had no choice in the matter. The worst part, I no longer believed I could stop. I knew I couldn’t. I needed help.
I did a lot of things to get sober. I went to treatment. Treatment is weird, but it was perfect for me. You become removed from the real world, which I couldn’t handle anyways. No phone, no bills, no professional stress, just stay sober, those other things would be back soon enough. I did group work, therapy, yoga, meditation. I had time to journal, exercise, walk, build a routine. I loved it, and ultimately stayed for seven weeks.
The best thing I did during my stay was I listened to my counselors, whatever they said to do, I did. I attended the awkward group sessions, I work up early, I made my bed every day, I still do. I stayed longer than I wanted to because they told me to. I will say not everybody did this, many people have trouble being told what to do, not everyone in my group could be humble, and not everyone from my group stayed sober. After seven weeks I gladly gave the treatment center every penny I had (and then some) and left with no regrets.
I continue to do a lot of different things to stay sober. I think those things are best discussed in another essay. It’s still an evolving process. One thing I do is I talk about it. I chat with other alcoholics all the time. I check in with my friends, I’m open with them about how I’m doing. A lot of times it’s weird, it really is, but it makes me feel better. I’m an open book, and if anyone ever wants to chat about what has quickly become my favorite subject please reach out. I’m happy to share my story.
