Goodbye, house.
I listed my house to sell today.
I don’t quite know how to feel about it. There’s so many exciting things ahead; marrying Brad, finding a new home together, raising our kids and serving God the best way we know how.
But.
That house has been my anchor these past few years. When I didn’t have the boys, which was such unknown territory, I knew I could go home. But when they’re not there, what does it even feel like anymore? The echoes of their voices and the ghosts of them playing are what’s there. It holds so many memories of the life I had and was building.
I know every creak of the floors. Which bedroom door is being opened and by whom. I know the squeak the pantry door makes when snacks are being sneaked by little boys. The sound of a car parking in the driveway, or the steps of the mailman on the porch. I can almost time when the heater is going to kick on.
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It’s been my home. The anchor that has kept me tethered to who I am, or at least who I was.
But all of that is changing now. I’m entering into this new life, and it’s time for change. I can’t stay there, wrapped up in the loss of what was. It’s time for me to explore the new, who and what that looks like.
But I’ll miss you, house. I became a mom there. I rocked my babies and carried them through every corner. I laughed and snuggled and had dance parties.
But I also wept. Deep, inconsolable weeping, waiting for the back door to open, willing him to come home to me. I sat on the front stoop for hours and wondered how I got to that point. I carried an iPad playing Netflix through every room when I was alone, just so I wasn’t constantly reminded that I was in fact alone.
So what does the future hold for me? B and me, forever. Finding a new home and building happy memories there. Starting a new life together.
God, please bless this new life. Help me discern what is right for me and the boys. Give me courage to not be afraid, as you teach us so often. Please help me to not be afraid. Please help me to rest, knowing that you’re in control. You’ve never left my side, not for a moment, through every mountain and every valley. Please help me to be brave, and not look back. I don’t want to be a pillar of salt. I want to thrive in this new life you have called me to, if only I can get out of my own way. Please help me to be brave, and to trust. Why should I even doubt? Thank you for the blessings of this man, this new life, this redemption. I pray I’m always worthy of your blessings.
