About distance, and you who slowly create distance between us
Often, I think, maybe distance isn’t a problem. Because, no matter how far apart we are, we will always return to our starting point if the bond we are maintaining is strong enough. But what if the belief I’ve held onto all this time is something I’ve been holding onto alone? I’ve always believed that the long-standing bond between us will always have a good path. Simply by being there for each other, maintaining the best possible communication, and make each other a place to return to. But, why does it feel strange lately?
We’re starting to be different than usual. You, who once communicated with me so naturally, have suddenly grown silent. You’ve become harder to talk to, and whenever I try to understand what’s happening, you tell me that you need time. The very things that never seemed capable of pulling us apart have somehow become reasons for you to keep your distance. I think everything might be normal. Distance and change don’t always have to be bad, right? Sometimes, changes are necessary for us to discover new things and experience life differently. But I can’t help wondering how any of this could end well when our communication keeps getting worse with every passing day.
I didn’t keep the doubts to myself, I dared to ask—and again you just kept quiet. Then, just before you left, you told me that the distance was to blame. I started to wonder if you were right. Was distance really the reason everything had begun to fall apart? Hadn’t we managed to make peace with every mile that stood between us before? I started to hate distance from that moment. I blamed it for making you feel this way, for the silence that had slowly replaced our conversations, and for the unfamiliar feeling of losing someone who was still there. I tried to make the distance smaller by reaching out to you, asking if you were okay, and searching for any sign that things could still return to the way they used to be.
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But what I realized after all those attempts disappointed me. Because no matter how narrow the distance, no matter how close I am to, you were the one slowly drifting away from me. It was as though you no longer wanted to stay, as though you no longer had the desire to protect what we had spent so long building together. The late-night conversations, the laughter we once shared, and all the things we had promised to hold onto seemed to belong to a version of us that no longer existed. And slowly, I began to understand. Perhaps the distance I had spent so long hating was never simply the space between us. Perhaps it was you. You who no longer seemed willing to bridge the gap, you who kept running without giving me an answer, and you who made distance the reason you could no longer stay.
I was angry. I was disappointed. I kept searching for explanatios, blaming the miles, because it was easier to resent something i couldn’t change than to accept that the person i was trying so desperately to reach might no longer want to be found.
But I’m tired, too. Tired of searching for answers in silence. Tired of making excuses for a distance that keeps growing no matter how hard i try to close it. Tired of believing that if i just try a little harder, we might eventually find our way back to each other. I might be never understand why you chose to leave so many things unanswered. I will never know whether distance truly changed you or simply gave you a reason to walk away. And maybe a part of me will always resent the way something we once treasured became something I had to defend alone.
Distance may have kept us apart, but i can no longer blame it for everything. Because no matter how much i wished to bring us closer, i could never close a gap that you no longer wished to cross. And perhaps that is what I have to learn to accept: I can still grieve what we had without spending the rest of my life trying to bring it back. I can still be disappointed in the way things ended without needing to hate for it. I once believed that no distance could keep us from finding our way back to each other.
Now, i’m learning that not every road leads us home, and not every journey is meant to be continued together. Maybe you will always be a part of my story. But i no longer need to convince you to stay in it.
