Stop using Tinder
I am writing this because I think we have totally ruined dating and connection. This should only be looked at as a mere attempt to patch it up. What I am doing is taking accountability for my actions and at the same time calling out everyone else’s. Because we all are at fault.
Right, left, left, left, right, right. Binged onto a screen, and only some pictures, name, school, and caption to decide. Right, right, definitely right, super like. Never. Nope. Wait.
I go back and click my profile. I scan through my photos. Are these the best pictures of me?
If I was a girl what would I think?
I got to rewrite this bio.
“model. blogger. athlete. 6'1, deep convo enthusiast, love going on an adventure”
A couple days later I get my friends approval. I feel a bit more secure in my bio. The addition of my height makes me seem conceited don’t you think?
I concluded that this bio is definitely better than the one I had before.
“If you ask me, I’m a dope guy.”
More scrolling. Right, left, right, right, left. I get tired of seeing so many faces and decided I am clicking right on everyone. After that I will sort through my matches and from there decide. I pull out my laptop and start looking on Canvas on what assignments I have coming up with my right hand. My left hand is busy just swiping. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. You are out of matches. I am tempted to pull out the credit card for unlimited swipes. I decide on holding off. That did not last long.
Dating applications. What a way to connect with people?
I started writing this December 21st, 2020. I never finished this. It would have been weird to write this whole thing on dating apps and be seen on it the very next day, don’t you think?
I guess this is a way to hold myself accountable.
I felt the more and more I used dating apps the more desensitized I got to real connection. I felt like I was feeding the beast of ultimate superficiality. To decide to possibly connect with someone based on a photo. There is this huge disconnect between meeting someone in person versus online. You add that what most people thought were their best photos, did not include much clothing. It seemed reductive. It seemed reductive to the women that felt the need to do that in order to attract a dude. To make matters worse, I felt like I too, was feeding the problem by my swipe algorithm.
I read this book that talked about how actions happen twice. First to yourself, and then to the person you are doing it to. To reduce someone means that you have done that, firstly, to yourself before anyone else. You can’t be understood by how you look, that is only a piece of a much more complicated puzzle. In the realm of dating apps, what we post, say, do is all to attract a suitable partner or partners.
I have talked with people. They said I don’t get to decide what is reductive or not? But I just felt like offering my 2 cents. I am no innocent party here. I am not here to chime in on my innocence, but shed light on a certain perspective.
Essentially, what I am trying to say is that dating apps play on our insecurities. The biggest insecurities people usually have are around how they look. People take on resolving this insecurity in two distinct ways. 1) focusing on it or 2) not focusing on it.
The problem is that when you focus on how you look all the time you will always find things that can be improved upon. The danger is when this becomes an obsession.
When you don’t focus on it, and just accept how you look, things become much simpler. This acceptance of who you are is not an acceptance of resignation but an acceptance of understanding. You understand that you will improve what you can, and whoever likes you likes you.
People spend the most amount of time when building there dating profile on what pictures to use. Dating apps become a game of choosing carefully crafted pictures that highlight you in dynamic ways. How is it possible that the same person can have 2 different profiles? One with certain pictures and the other with different pictures and get different amounts of matches and likes? You realize this is the same person.
One of the most damaging things dating apps have done is that it does not reward you for becoming a better person or partner, by building skills, qualities, characteristics, etc. What it does is reward you for being able to pick photos that demonstrate the becoming of a more suitable partner.
This leads to profiles where people actually can’t present who they actually are.
No one is getting swiped right on because they state in their bio that they are a lover of sci fi and their favorite sci fi is Pendragon, a book about an American teenager who has to travel through time and space to save the world. Or that they love spending time in bookstores and spending way too much money on books that they sometimes don’t finish because they can’t decide between books to read so they alternate between 3–5 books at a time.
These seem oddly specific.
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I am saying this in a joking manner but the amount of people who actually have read Pendragon or enjoy sci fi or spend time in bookstores is few. What happens is that the types of people that you will attract based on your profile that highlights this will be different. Especially compared to if your bio references that Drake line, “here for a good time, not a long time” that includes the tongue out emoji with leaves next to it. From our captions to our photos, everything we present is going to attract a certain type of person.
What truly saddens me is that we want more than these fleeting relationships that is often echoed from people who use dating apps. We want to have deep and meaningful relationships but this comes at the expense of ourselves. That is why it is so hard to actually present your full self on dating apps. You assume that your quirks, fat, stretch marks, pimples are defects to you being able to connect with someone. The truth is it will be and they are hindrances, but when you do connect there is a higher likelihood someone likes you for those things than not.
Because it is better to be loved because of your flaws than loved because of your supposed perfection.
What struck me as the greatest oddity was the difference in presentation between someone’s digital presence versus in-person presence. A usual day for swiping started in the morning before classes. If you were really addicted you would be swiping during class, between classes, lunch, and in bed. You would scan through hundreds of profiles, some of those profiles belonged to people you would pass by everyday, or see in class. The eye contact or avoidance of it would tell you everything you needed to know. It made you wonder what really represented people’s authentic selves: their digital selves?
Most of us honestly have no business being on dating apps. Especially when you begin to learn about this mess of a life people have. I know I had no business being on a dating app while I was knee deep in missing work on top of pages on pages of reading. Priorities. We often use these seemingly innocent tools to continuously escape ourselves. Ideally before you begin with even the thought of connecting with someone romantically you would have a good foundation and understanding of who you are.
Since I know most people will read this and still go about using dating apps, disregarding what I said. The ultimate takeaway is this:
Take a look at your public profiles, whether that be dating apps, Snapchat, Instagram, LinkedIN, whatever it is. Assume the identity of a stranger. Someone that is completely impartial, and not biased. Assume this identity as if you know nothing about yourself. Now go through your profile and ask yourself these questions.
- Based on these posts and captions, what characteristics does this person have?
- What type of friends would this person have?
- Is there a huge difference in what they post on different platforms? (ex: LinkedIN vs Snapchat)? Why?
- What clothes do they wear? What does it say about them?
- Would this be someone only based on their profile you would want to be around?
- What type of people person would be interested in you (romantically, platonically, etc)?
*knowing that this is you… 7. Does your profile reflect who you are? What could be added to showcase who you are more?
If you have not gotten it already. I am getting at this:
Dating applications have done us more harm than good, because it incentivizes attention grabbing behaviors rather than genuine thoughtfulness and understanding of people.
Dating applications reduce people to 9 photos, and 500 characters, or whatever that limit is. Can you really understand soemone in 9 photos and 500 characters?
What you present about yourself matters especially when you got limited options on what you can present. Every choice you make is a signal of who you are. Be careful in what you are signaling.
When you spend time being the type of person you would want in a relationship, the likelihood of finding that type of person increases. When you spend more time being around the people, places, and things you want your options change. When you spend more time at the library than the night club, your options change.
Often our dating choices are a lot more reflective of who we are, unbeknownst to us.
Take time to reflect on 1) who you are, 2) who you think you are, and 3) who you actually present to be. Find the discrepancies and fix it.
If you have any comments, thoughts, concerns, feel free to comment below or message me and I will be more than happy to answer.
Thank you for reading. I have more pieces on the way.
The next three pieces around this topic are as follows:
- How hook up culture destroys positive self perception (o8/18/2023)
- The politics of dating (o8/21/2023)
- What Georgetown taught me about dating (o8/23/2023)
