Desperation Isn’t Humility!
I would like to take a break from learning life lessons, but the Lord has different plans.
Well, the following stunt has been performed by me, and I write my story here knowing how it looks, so that I might be the last person who tries something like this.
It all started with a job offer, which I got after a year of not having a job.
I was overexcited, and the initial conversations with the employer promised me things that were beyond my expectations from that sudden offer.
I was elated, started working on stuff for them, and in a week, it was sent for approval.
After the weekend, I received the news that my rate is too high and they just need something simple, and they are going to go with AI or another person whom they already have who might suit their budget.
I should’ve said yes, that’s good and left, but I thought the amount they are telling me is enough for me to at least take care of my basic needs, and that is better than having nothing, and I thought it was my pride that was stopping me from taking the job.
So thought God had actually provided me something to take care of my basics, which is what I had been asking for the past few weeks, and I accepted the job.
At first, when I thought this job was the job of my dreams, then realised it wasn’t, I told myself this: “You cannot decide what God wants for you, so take this in humility and be happy”
But guess what?
I was wrong again. Taking the job was also never in God’s plan.
I decided for God again, and to be honest, I was desperate.
I had already started to feel insecure, useless, and impotent, and I was getting drained with no energy left.
Let me be more frank with you, I lost hope. I forgot what it is to have faith and be hopeful.
Even now, I feel the same.
I don’t know if this is my preparation period or just a normal time where I am overthinking everything I face is for a reason.
Because everyone talks about the testing period and everything, but no one tells how we feel exactly during that period.
I have so many questions than answers right now.
Is it normal to feel lost? Is it normal to feel useless?
Is it normal to think, “Is this even a testing period?”?
How does the testing period happen for others?
Doesn’t the testing period happen for those who are doing good by God?
I am messed up as it is. Does the testing period happen for people who are hardly able to stand?
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I know I took my desperation for humility and tried to hold on to the job, which was never from God.
But I was already lost enough. Was this a test to see how much I can take? If it was, did I pass it?
Then I remembered that this week in Church, I asked for help from God to resist everything unwanted and submit to him fully.
So, I think I can tell now that my prayer was heard.
I asked him for help to keep my prayer times this week intact, and he did. I asked for strength to fast this week without breaking it, no matter what, and he heard it too and helped me do just that.
So, I know I am not forsaken. That’s why I cannot throw a tantrum, too. Because I know he heard all my prayers, and he fulfilled the ones that were needed.
So, right now, I can take nothing from this experience but two painful yet valuable lessons.
DO NOT DECIDE ON WHAT GOD WANTS FOR YOU
DESPERATION ISN’T HUMILITY
In desperation, I accepted and bent to all their ridiculous suggestions and thought that was me accepting my fate and being humble.
Nope, I was just desperate for work and accepted being mistreated and convinced my self-righteous self that I was being humble.
Even if God wants you to learn humility, he will never put you in a place like that.
Also, no human can comprehend God’s mind. So it is better to leave things as it is and do your best when you get opportunities, and not to conclude if it was from God or not before you get settled in it.
Some things may seem sweet in your mouth and turn sour in your stomach, so do not decide on things you don’t know about.
I want to tell you that I would’ve learned this lesson without this turmoil, but you and I both know the truth.
As I write this, I got my answer to these questions.
I am writing this with tears as I was just reminded of this:
Why would someone who went through utter humiliation for you, horrendous pain for you, ever want something bad for you?
Why would someone who would give up all those sheep and come running after you, the lost one, every single time, give up now?
When you have been sanctioned for testing, know this: he already knows the result, and he is not your supervisor; he is your supernatural help.
He sits right next to you, even when you feel lost, hold on, even when you don’t feel like you are moving forward, hold on.
The savior has never left you stranded alone; he did not bring you this far to drop you now.
He does not overestimate your strength; he just knows you have a supernatural backup.
He is not done yet. Do not give up.
You are focused on a plant while He is focused on a field.
