First of My Kind
I never gave much thought to the fact that I was the first of my kind. I never questioned people who would ask me, “Where are you from?” and I would say, “San Diego.” I could see from people’s faces that my answer was not good enough, so I had to respond, “Mexico.” I was afraid to tell people the truth that my parents were born in Mexico. I felt that I could not tell others much about my family. Therefore, I tried to be as vague as I could when responding to people. I was taught at a very young age to say as little as I could about my family and myself. I was scared that my parents would get deported if I told the truth, even if my mom had her green card. At a very young age I had to learn to hold secrets and put my head down when people were “curious” about my family. I felt I was different in many ways compared to my friends and peers at school. I felt that I was undercover, and at any moment my secret about my upbringing would come out. I felt I was the first of my kind to hold a big secret. I felt many emotions growing up and was fearful of the future and what the unknown would hold for my family and me.
A poem to express how I felt.
First To…
In this life, it always feels that I am the first to do so many things for the first time…
I am the first to fail.
I am the first loser in my family.
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I am the first to feel that I am alone.
I am the first to feel broken.
I am the first to keep silent.
I am the first to feel speechless.
I am the first to feel powerless.
I am the first to feel abandoned in a world where I cannot talk, nor do I have permission to speak.
I am the first to feel judged, ashamed, harassed, humiliated, and scorned about my past.
It’s time to speak my truth … And it starts… Now.
