It’s still me (part 3)
September 3rd, 2026
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It is still up to me. It is still up to me to take care of myself. And by doing just that, and reinforcing all I know and have learned almost to the instinct level, today I feel fine. Quite fine. Definitely more than okayish. Moving along through the day nicely and without anger and rage. And all that comes down to looking at myself and asking questions. I think I was always very sensitive to my emotions, maybe even hyper-sensitive. Nothing has changed here; I still am the same way. Except nowadays, I ask questions — why do I feel this way, what has caused it and what can be done to change or alleviate it. Of course, the questions don’t come right away when my mood turns sour. That would be too easy and too boringly predictable. Still, they do come, and I let myself search for an answer. Rarely does it come quickly, and when it does, it is usually a difficult answer — requiring me to do something about myself and my behavior instead of going down the winded-up road to emotional hell. Letting myself stew in my own mental and emotional filth is easy, but I do make an effort, and once the first step is made, the rest just follows. And I am very aware that everything takes time. I no longer look for immediate gratification; actually, I actively avoid it. My personal change didn’t happen overnight. After decades of self-destructive behavior, I had to rebuild myself piece by piece and discover my emotional range once again. I had a lot of help from medical and behavioral professionals and from my family, but the work I put into this evolution is mine. I see efforts now and remain vigilantly looking at myself.
