Moving (2024)ward
2024 is upon us, and I’m coming out of a very difficult last three years. I got a diagnosis of ADHD well into my 40s, I ended a relationship with someone who lied to me repeatedly and consistently, and I’ve learned so much about the how the former has affected me by how I’ve reacted to the latter.
At this time last year, driven by my affection for this pathologically dishonest person, I wrote a multiple-page New Year’s toast that wished them all the best things in life. They loved it (they said).
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This year, older and a little wiser, I’m writing one for myself. However, instead of wishing the universe would provide me blessings, I’m going to outline how I’m going to take responsibility for this year being my best yet. I thought maybe someone would get something out of the lessons I’ve learned and how I plan on turning things around going forward. At the risk of being unfashionably late to produce such a list for this new year, here it is:
- Focus on what is REAL. Let’s not get caught up in what things could become, or who this person could be if only a few things changed. We need to stop romanticizing the things in our lives. Trust and believe in what we know to be true.
- Maintain the things we do for ourselves. If you’re anything like me, you’re more than willing to sacrifice to gain someone’s affection. As much as we’ve been told that love works that way, it shouldn’t. Yes, there are things that may need to change to make a relationship work, but none of those things should be things that make us happy, or that we do as part of our self care. If anyone makes us feel like we need to give up one of those things in order to earn their affection — we should run.
- Be intentional about who you let into your life. We don’t get to have this kind of control at work, but in our personal lives, we are the lone controller of where our time and energy go. Let’s be deliberate about who we’re choosing to gift those things to. I’ve had a habit of being so focused on whether or not someone liked me that I never stopped to think about if I liked them. I would just ride that emotional high of being liked and only realize later that I didn’t want or need someone like that in my life. We can’t get caught up in mirroring anyone else’s emotions this year.
- Cherish feeling comfortable. We’ve all been there; we meet someone and feel an instant connection, and our body responds in a way that feels like excitement and electricity. We want to continue to ride that feeling, and eagerly welcome that person into our confidence. Here’s the thing, though: that feeling of excitement that we typically assign a ‘good’ label to, is actually our nervous system recognizing that this person is going to be inconsistent, and is going to get us addicted to their affection, even as it withers down to breadcrumbs. Instead, we should put that same emphasis on people that cause us to feel comfortable or calm in their presence. If they aren’t activating those electric, addictive feelings, they’re actually the ones we should be pursuing as friends and lovers. Our bodies know what’s coming long before our mind recognizes it. Let’s stop confusing signals of danger for signs of connection.
- Pay attention to our feelings. This is has some overlap with our fourth focus, with an important difference. We should put an emphasis on feeling comfortable with new people, but there are already people in our lives that shouldn’t get a pass just because they got in before our new standards were in place. We can’t continue to allow people into our space that leave us feeling bad whenever we spend time with them. In 2024, let’s take out the trash and make room for someone new that is going to be an overall positive for us.
- Tackle some of the things we’ve been putting off. We all have that to-do list that has lingered for years. Things like going back to school, writing that book, taking improv classes, painting the living room, etc. We’ve put these on the back burner waiting for the right time when we’re not as busy, or once we lose ten pounds, or any number of other reasons. In 2024 we aren’t waiting for those things. We’re giving ourselves permission to do these things even if we haven’t met the perfect conditions for them yet. We’re the only one that thinks those are the perfect conditions, and we’re only holding ourselves back and feeding a negative narrative about ourselves. Fail at something spectacularly and revel in it. Then do it again better if you want, but go do the thing without condition.
- Love. This is hard and can be scary depending on what we’ve been through. It’s natural for us to want to recede and put up walls if we’ve been hurt, but removing our permission to give and receive affection because someone couldn’t treat us the way we deserve moves us farther away from the thing we all need: genuine intimate connection. We have to be courageous in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to someone new and to be alone until we find the right person who is worthy of our affection. Let’s not do half measures. If it isn’t right, let it go. If it is right, we should lean into it as if we’ve never been hurt before.
This isn’t all-inclusive, but this is more than enough to change the course of our year and our lives. This is not easy and will take us being present, intentional, and courageous throughout 2024. These goals are layered to build on each other, so as we give any one of them our priority, we’re passively working on some of the others. I have no doubt that we can do this. I am looking forward to going on this journey with you.
Remember, none of us are doing this alone.
