A Whimsical Take on Six Fallacies
What follows are six light-hearted takes on six common fallacies. The first four are the Appeals to the Crowd and Pity, the Appeal to Fear, and the Appeal to Ignorance. They simply ignore the issue of offering proof for the claims they are making. They are, in essence, diversionary tactics to distract attention from the fact that they aren’t offering any proof at all, but only irrelevant material having nothing to do with proof whatsoever. The last two fallacies beg the question by offering as proof two reasons that already assume as true the very idea one is trying to prove — the “Self-Evident” Truth and the Question-Begging Epithet.
Appeals to the Crowd and Pity
Let’s say you’re a devious devil intent on deceit. You’re on stage and your audience is seated. You’ve a proposal that’s absolute rubbish, designed to help no one but only yourself. You’ve dressed it up to sound impressive, but, come the questions, you know you’re all finished. They’ll see through everything and laugh you to scorn. So, what do you do? You need their support, yet fear all their questions. How get that support, yet not have them ask questions?
By the most delicious deception ever devised — flattery! You praise and compliment them. You tell them how wonderful they are, how discerning, discriminating and perceptive. You gratify their egos; have them wallow in self-complacency; make them feel so good about themselves that they’ll forget all their questions and accept your proposal. “Anyone perceptive enough to see how perceptive we are,” they’ll think, “must be equally perceptive in other things as well!” Like your proposal, crafty knave, you!
Of course, you have to be careful about how you go about this. You can’t be too obvious! Can’t arouse their suspicion! It helps to dress like them, talk like them, so they’ll think you’re one of them! Start things off with a funny story! A bit of humor always lightens the mood. Then begin to flatter them — slowly, subtly, one step at a time!
First, you talk about the things they value, the things that mean a lot to them. Agree with what they think is important. Say how you think it’s important, too! Tell them how theirs is the only way. How no decent person could disagree! Appeal to their vanity, biases, and vested interests. By insinuating yourself into their confidence, you’ll predispose them to accept whatever you say.
Then comes the moment you’ve been waiting for. You’ve flattered them. They like you and accept what you’re saying. The time is now ripe for your proposal. You outline it, and then you strike! Instead of proof which makes them think, you give them melodrama which makes them weep. You appeal to their pity. You make them feel sorry for all the unfortunates who will never be helped without your proposal. You paint a doleful picture of their pitiful plight.
Now, just between you and me, no one’s going to be helped if your proposal’s accepted; no one, that is, except yourself! Naturally, you can’t tell them this! You can’t let on that this sob story is only a trick to advance your own interests; that your distress is just a performance for your own private gain; that the tears they’re shedding prevent calm discussion of your idea! No! You have them think that their tears are the proof that your proposal’s sound, and that whoever would reject it would be heartless, indeed!
I tell you this sinister strategy will carry the day. Lingering doubt will be silenced by thunderous applause as you repair to the wings. Their enthusiasm will prove that your proposal’s right, for if everyone’s for it, it has to be right. Admire yourself in the mirror. Yes, my friend, you’re the Ultimate Showman!
Analysis: When someone is trying to flatter you or awaken pity in you instead of having you concentrate on the idea he wants you to accept, you know you’re being emotionally manipulated, so that you can’t think calmly about the idea’s soundness. You’re being played for a fool, especially if the person wants you to sign something or part with your money. Whatever the situation, excuse yourself and head for the exit.
Appeal to Fear
You’re a bit of a showman with a get-rich-quick scheme on the drawing board. You’re the type who will stop at nothing to accomplish his end. You’ve got this idea that, if accepted, will make you rich. There’s one problem, however — your idea is humbug, sheer lunacy, yet, if properly packaged, you think it will sell! So, you take the plunge. You lay it before your audience as a proposal.
Flattery won’t work this time; neither will tears. Sweet-talk and pity would be out of place here. You need something more potent, insidious, diabolical, Machiavellian; something that will stampede them into acceptance; something that will sweep them along in wild torrents of frenzy.
You open your showman’s bag of tricks, root around, and there, at the very bottom, you find it; something that has always appealed to the lowest in man and crippled his spirit — fear! How much nonsense has been believed if you give people a good scare!
Majestically, you stride to stage center. In stately tones you announce that you’re privy to innermost secrets. (You pause to let the tension build.) You have knowledge of matters of the gravest import. (You pause again; feet shuffle; whisperings.) Something terrible, unspeakably catastrophic will unleash itself upon their heads. (Fear flashes through the crowd.) You paint a dire picture of ominous things to come.
Then, mercifully, “But I have a plan to avert all this!” (Sighs of relief throughout the crowd.) “You have only to do as I say!” (Quickened pulses and expressions of hope.) You present your proposal in self-assured tones. (A mood of thanksgiving suffuses the air.) “But I’m afraid,” you threateningly conclude, “that if my proposal is rejected, then all will be lost! There will be calamity, catastrophe, Armageddon!”
I tell you they’ll flock to you and fall at your feet! They’ll kiss your hand for being their savior, be eternally grateful for averting their doom! They’ll accept passionately, rapturously, ecstatically whatever you tell them! And the remarkable thing about it is that you’ve given them no proof at all, not one shred of evidence — just a nightmare world of hysterical fear! Now, that’s showmanship!
Analysis: Now, admittedly, this example is a bit over the top, but I wanted you to see how absurd some of these performances can be, so that you’ll be able to see through them at once. If you’re ever in a situation where someone says that you have to accept as true what they’re telling you, just stop and ask yourself, has this person given me one ounce of proof that what he’s saying is true, or is this simply a scare tactic? Is he merely trying to frighten me into believing what he’s saying and I’m letting myself be taken in by it?
Or, for that matter, have you ever asked yourself how many things you believed something out of fear? That if you didn’t believe in what they were saying that something terrible would happen to you? Especially when you were young, and people could take advantage of you to believe whatever you’re told?
Or consider this variation: “Such an idea has to be true!” “Why?” “Because if it weren’t true, I wouldn’t be able to go on living?” Think about this for a moment. What’s the proof for this person’s believing this idea? Does he have any evidence for holding it? Or is it simply fear of the consequences if he doesn’t believe it?
In other words, is it simply fear that motivates him to believe his idea? Fear of what would happen to him if it weren’t true or if he didn’t believe it? In other words, it has to be true for his own peace of mind.
Appeal to Ignorance
You’re that proverbial charlatan with that most precious of gifts — the ability to sell anything. If you do it right, you’ll strike it rich and be on Easy Street for the rest of your life. Naturally, you haven’t a leg to stand on with this idea of yours, but you’ve something more important than proof or support, and that’s bluff and bluster!
Ah, there’s no end to how far these two commodities will take you, my friend. People will believe whatever they want if they want it badly enough. It’s almost as if they want to be had! So, you make it your business to see that they are. Rejoice, for you stand in a grand and glorious tradition, one that pays rich dividends. Be proud, take heart, and attend to my words.
Up goes the curtain and out strolls your act — that old Traveling Medicine Show in modernized garb. Gadgetry galore! Technology, the modern-day Jehovah! Behold your audience! They’re down on their knees before it with all its buzzing, humming, and blinking lights! Charts, graphs, and diagrams! The while kit and caboodle!
You throw everything you’ve got at them: facts, figures, names, dates, learned lingo, august citations — a semantic Aurora Borealis, so sententious and soporific that assent is assured. You blitzkrieg, flimflam, and mystify! You benumb and bedazzle! You bemuse and befuddle! No one’s sure about what it all means, but “anyone who goes to all this trouble must know what he’s talking about!”
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It’s all theater, spectacle, and they think it’s for real! You are the Royal High Priest of Mumbo Jumbo and all you’re selling is Trumpery, glitter with no substance. What you lack in proof, you make up with chutzpah. Where there’s noise, most people think that big things are afoot! You exploit the naïve, the credulous, the easily duped. They won’t realize that it’s all gimmickry disguising the fact that you’re selling illusion that serves your own ends. And if they’re confused about what you’re saying, they’ll think its complexity is simply beyond them! When really, it’s all Macbethian sound and fury that signifies nothing!
They don’t realize that anything deep can be said simply; that even complexity can be clearly stated; and that so-called “complexity” is only sham and confusion. El Dorado awaits you as you bloviate freely, making things up, saying whatever you want since no one has time to check your claims. Nor can you afford to give them that time. “Tomorrow’s too late. We have to act now. Opportunity knocks only once!”
Of course, you’ll have to answer their questions, but there’s also a surefire way of doing this. Call on the innocent, those who look like little lost lambs. Avoid the troublemakers, those who seem to know too much. But if worse comes to worst, there’s even a way of handling them. Simply pile on more “facts” to give the impression you are answering them. Or answer a different question from the one you’ve been asked. Or say what you’ve just said in different words.
Avoid those nemeses who stalk every charlatan — those who always have follow-up questions that dig more deeply into what you’ve just said; or, even worse, those who ask: “If your idea’s so good, why can’t it wait? Why can’t we have more time to consider things calmly?” Avoid this person like the kiss of death because, mark my words, he’s on to you — exploiting uncertainty, appealing to ignorance, allowing nobody time to check out your claims!
It’s at this point you save the situation by a prearranged signal to your accomplice in the audience, who moves for an immediate vote: “I sympathize with what’s just been said, but we’re working against time here. One more day may be too late!”
Another accomplice seconds the motion and, given audience cinfusion, and a little luck, you railroad it through! Once again, you withdraw victorious — that peerless practitioner, that perennial purveyor of fallacious flimflam.
Analysis: This is a risky fallacy for someone to attempt today when the media can fact-check what anyone says. Those who routinely engage in appealing to ignorance are continually undermining their own credibility with each false “fact” they state. And in this day of immediate follow-up and instant communication their lies always come back to haunt them as someone who cannot be trusted. For politicians, their word is their bond, so that continually stating verifiable falsehoods is to consign themselves to oblivion!
Begging the Question
Now, when you’ve been at this game as long as I have, you’ll know that it’s not the truth that counts in selling ideas, but guile. All is semblance, shadow, and sleight-of-hand. Logic only slows things down. You can’t afford to have people think. Things get messy when that happens and they start to ask questions.
This is why you have to keep things rolling. No dead moments. A moving target is hard to hit. The watchwords are always thrust and parry, bob and weave, in and out, or else you’re through. Remember — stealth and artifice are your two best friends.
Now, say you have an idea you want to refute. It’s a decent idea, actually, as ideas go. In fact, it’s a great idea, but it has one major flaw: it’s against your own. Question: How dispose of an idea with arguments that really aren’t arguments; which seem to be logical, but are really absurd; that appear convincing, but aren’t.
Answer: by using arguments that assume as true the very thing you’re trying to prove. Here are two such fallacies that will come to the rescue.
The “Self-Evident” Truth
There’s the old “my-idea’s-so-self-evident-that-it-doesn’t-need-proof” routine. Works every time. No matter how insane the idea, if it can be presented as “self-evident,” it’s well on its way to being accepted. Of course, you don’t really have to use those exact words to bring this to pass.
You can say the same thing in different ways. You can say, “It’s a fact that,” “It’s common knowledge that,” “Everybody knows that,” “Only a fool would deny that,” “No intelligent person doubts that,” and you’re home free. Keep your eyes and ears open. People use it on others all the time.
How many accept that “no person could possibly doubt that this idea is true,” when it’s whether it’s true that’s precisely in question. Of course, you can’t just say it any old way. You have to say it with conviction as you look them right in the eye with that note of exasperation in your voice of how anyone could possibly be so foolish as to deny something’s that so obvious to the both of you, and in a heartbeat that person is yours.
I can’t stress enough that the last thing you want is to put your audience into a thinking mode by calmly and rationally exploring the arguments why your idea is true because, frankly, there are none. What you have to do is to focus on why the other fellow’s idea is false.
But, again, you can’t go about this with logical arguments, which would be your undoing. You’d only succeed in showing that his idea is right and that yours is wrong. So, then, what’s the second way of reaching your goal?
Question-Begging Epithet
You use the old “his-idea-is-false-because-I-say-it-is” ploy by simply calling it names. You keep on describing it in negative terms that already assume that it’s wrong. You call it “naïve,” “unsound,” “unworkable,” “uninformed,” “radical,” “reactionary,” “groundless,” “unrealistic,” “irresponsible,” “dangerous,” “un-American,” or whatever you want. You’re simply raising doubts in the mind of the audience without giving proof. If you throw enough mud, something will stick.
An impressionable audience will rise to the bait and swallow whatever you’re selling. Listen to any debate or political discussion these days and enjoy. They’ll say anything to put the other guy down, and they won’t even try to prove any of it, and more people than you can imagine will simply buy into it. All you do is to continually assail the idea with an unending stream of negative adjectives or epithets, and drip, drip, drip, the idea sinks in.
Now, some may start to get on to your tricks. But not to worry! When you’re in my game, you can’t afford to have any shame, so you just deny what they’re saying is true. It’s simply “Fake News,” and the gullible believe it. Create enough doubt by simply denying it, and you’d be surprised how many won’t believe what’s staring them in the face!
Are you game for a little experiment? The next time you hear anyone discussing an opponent’s idea, note how often you’ll hear it described in negative terms without any proof being offered. Stand back to see how it works. The effect is so subtle, subliminal, and cumulative that it enters the public mind through osmosis and will affect people’s attitude for the rest of their lives. An unending stream of vilifying, disparaging, and denigrating whatever idea you want with no attempt to show that it’s true, just endlessly wearing the listeners down by sheer repetition.
Political discourse is the happy hunting ground of this kind of language, as is the world of advertising. At times, one would think that advertisers even ghostwrite political speeches, where candidates are products, speeches are advertising copy, where proof is unnecessary, and only unsubstantiated claims, insinuations, and lies are enough.
People don’t really care anymore if ideas are provable, as long as they sound good, make them feel comfortable, stroke their egos, are properly packaged, and can make them a profit. Nobody cares if anything is true anymore, but I digress.
We were talking about the art of misrepresenting the ideas of one’s opponent in a negative way. The same thing works for oneself, however, by misrepresenting one’s own ideas in a positive way. You keep up the steady barrage of upbeat happy-talk that one’s own ideas are “mature,” “sound,” “informed,” “bold,” “enterprising,” “progressive,” “reasonable,” “safe,” “discerning,” “substantial,” “patriotic,” “American,” “research-grounded,” “fact-based,” well, you get the picture.
Now, I realize that all of this may strike you as an insolent piece of effrontery, but, believe me, nothing could be further from the truth. Most people simply lack the imagination to believe that a fellow human being would be so brazen and devious to perpetrate such a transparent piece of dishonesty. But once you’ve had some experience, you’ll realize that it isn’t truth people want in this world, but the appearance of truth; not reality, but illusion; not substance, but shadow.
Frank Breslin is a retired high-school teacher in the New Jersey public school system.
