Anger Management
Ira furor brevis est. Anger is a brief madness (Horace, Epistles, 1. 2. 62).
For most people, anger is about as close to madness as they’ll ever come. However, the danger of letting themselves reach that point lies in the violence they may feel themselves capable of doing to others, perhaps even injuring them for life. Each time they give into this momentary madness, they weaken themselves for the next time, when they’ll be that much more helpless in resisting this weakness. Who knows what could happen in their rage? Perhaps the severity of the violence won’t be intended, but the victim will be injured all the same.
So if you have a problem with anger, the first thing you should do is to admit it to yourself. Accepting that you do have the problem is the first step toward recovery. This is a sickness that must be taken very seriously. You are a lethal weapon, a time bomb that needs to be defused by professional help. This is not something you will outgrow on your own, but left unchecked will grow only worse.
Or if you have a friend who has this problem and he’ll listen to you, tell him he’s playing with dynamite. If he has violent tendencies, you owe it to your friendship to help him. However, if you yourself have this problem, you must face it head-on while you’re still young because this is the only time you’ll be able to overcome a problem like this. Left untreated, it will destroy you.
Never mind the embarrassment. Do it at once because your very future’s at stake. The longer you wait, the bigger this monster becomes. Despair, self-pity, fatalistic feelings are defense mechanisms you mustn’t take seriously. Once you face this demon, you’ll be taking back your life rather than always fearing the worst. You’re still young with your whole life before you. You’re worth saving, so act now!
Maximum remedium irae mora est. The best cure for anger is delay (Seneca, On Anger, 2. 29.1).
Whenever President Eisenhower became angry, he would write a furious note to whoever had incurred his wrath, place it in his desk drawer until he cooled down, and never sent it.
Seneca wrote an entire treatise on anger with suggestions for overcoming it and what would probably happen if you didn’t. He was Nero’s tutor and observed him in his early years, and it’s possible that he could have helped him so that, without his help, Nero could have become even worse. If you have a problem with anger or violence, read his treatise slowly and carefully and see if anything in those pages could help you. You might even discuss it with your high-school counselor or some other professional.
You never want to lose control, especially if it could lead to your hurting someone. Remember that everyone has a right to be happy and not wind up in a hospital. Everyone is as important as you are and they, like you, see themselves as the center of the universe. They didn’t come into this world to become your victim. Rule your emotions — or your emotions will become your tyrant.
Ira quae tegitur nocet. Hidden anger is harmful (Seneca, Medea, 153).
What happens when you bottle things up? Where does all that energy go if it doesn’t have an outlet? In the 1940’s after the Second World War, the Philadelphia Police Department sponsored boxing programs for boys to get their excess energy out of their system and to keep their aggression inside the ring. It’s a different world today, but keeping fit with sports is still an excellent way of sublimating aggression.
But sports are no substitute for seeing a counselor or enrolling in an anger management program, but they are a healthy way for siphoning off energy that might otherwise build up and give both you and your victim a problem. Physical courage in the ring is one thing, but so is moral courage in facing one’s problems like a man.
Talking your feelings out with someone to get them out in the open is an excellent way of dealing with them, or writing them out in a diary may even give you deeper insight into the wellsprings of your anger. As you write, try to get in touch with your feelings directly.
Thinking about them is only a beginning; try to summon up your feelings directly because that’s when the insights will come and the healing process will begin. It’s only when you feel things very deeply that you’ll begin making progress, especially when you do this in the presence of a trained professional.
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Talking is one of the ways you can get to the root of your anger. This takes time and courage, but is very important because it you don’t get in touch with your feelings and the insights that come with them, you’ll remain on the surface of yourself. You’ll continue to be stuck where you presently are by an obstacle that has taken over your life. Instead of becoming a well-rounded person who enjoys your life, you’ll be letting your anger undermine your chances for a happy and meaningful existence..
We don’t have the luxury of choosing our crosses, but rather they have a way of choosing us. You have to be a realist and simply play the hand you were dealt by life. You do this by taking your fate in your own hands and refusing to have this kind of problem get the better of you. We aren’t responsible for the kind of cards we were dealt by life, but we are for how we play them.
If you don’t actively try to change your life by honestly trying to overcome your problems, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. You have to look Medusa in the face instead of letting yourself be victimized by giving up on yourself. Vivere est militare. Life is a warzone of incessant battling, and if you’re not actively engaged in this battle, you’re already dead.
Once you realize that you can’t blame anyone else for your problems, you’re halfway home since a lot of people spend their whole lives looking for scapegoats. If you can learn to take responsibility for your own life in your teenage years, however, you’re way ahead of the game since there are many older persons who have never outgrown this habit.
Once you realize that you’re alone in this world and are responsible for your own existence, you’ll discover a new source of energy rather than waiting for Godot to solve all your problems, which is just another name for inertia.
Iracundiam qui vincit hostem superat maximum. Who subdues his anger overcomes his greatest foe (Publilius Syrus, Maxims, 290).
Once you overcome your anger, you’ve been to the mountain, and every other problem will be small by comparison. But you can’t afford to underestimate the difficulty of this enemy. Step back from yourself and try to understand the reason why your anger is a problem.
Make a list of reasons why you become angry. What is it precisely that triggers these reactions? See if you can confront each of these reasons one by one to see if they make any sense. Bring them out into the sunlight where they’ll begin to wither.
Look at yourself as someone else would, someone who doesn’t have your anger issues — your fellow students, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your parents, people who deal with you on a daily basis. See yourself through their eyes. What goes through their minds when they see you?
What are you going to do to surprise them that you’re honestly trying to change? Not with words — talk is cheap and anyone can talk a good game — but by deeds. Actions alone are what count. Show them by your actions that you’re trying to become a new, better, and responsible person. Let your understated manner speak for itself.
Is your anger something you can overcome or do you feel that you’re helpless? If you feel helpless, you must seek help immediately. If, on the other hand, you think you can deal with this problem alone, you’re just kidding yourself. If you’re doubtful, it’s always better to be safe than sorry, so make arrangements to see a professional counselor at once.
Two final thoughts. Maybe the reason you haven’t yet dealt with this problem is that you really don’t want to deal with it because it’s serving other needs you may not even be aware of like wanting to be known as student “with issues,” which could be a form of status-seeking.
There are other ways of seeking status like real achievement, because “having issues,” as I’m sure you already realize, isn’t any kind of achievement at all. All the energy and worry you’re investing in not dealing with this problem could be redirected to real achievement, the first and most important of which would be becoming a new person.
If you have a girl and really love her and want to be worthy of her, you have to show her that she means the world to you, and the only way you can do that is to change for her and to make her proud of you. She could be your only salvation. Your improvement would be the best gift you could possibly give her.
Frank Breslin is a retired high-school teacher in the New Jersey public school system.
