A Life of Little Edits
It wasn’t until I read, ‘Who are you when you are not performing for the people in your mind?’ that it hit me: I don’t know who I am anymore. I felt the life I was living wasn’t even mine; I wasn't the main character, just a background extra (not even a side actor!).
But that wasn’t the first time or the start of it. In life, it rarely is just one absolute point or isolated incident. Last year, one day I found myself doing something strange. I posted a picture about this new hobby on this app where you post a picture every day and maintain a streak. And once I posted it, I didn’t even do it. I shut it and put it back in the cupboard. Why? Instant gratification and attention. And just like anybody else, the love-hate relationship with social media apps, I just uninstalled it.
At the end of last year, I gave my second attempt at the GMAT (don’t worry about having to look it up; it’s a standardized test people take to get into an MBA program) and scored less than my first attempt. I was genuinely fine with it, as I knew what went wrong and how to fix it. But then, the moment I got into the cab from the test center, I started to think about what my dad or brother would think about me: that I am so careless or not serious about my career or don’t give a eff about my life. I started crying and making myself feel miserable. Why? Because I thought that was how I was ‘supposed’ to feel about the situation. Sometimes we aren’t just pleasing people; we even change how we experience our own lives based on how we think they will be judged.
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Say you ask me my opinion about a movie. I’d probably quote some Reddit user’s comment, or a YouTuber’s review, or a tweet. Why? Because, one, I can’t sit with the vulnerability of expressing and owning one, and two, I am trying to fit in, so I just borrow it! It isn’t that we shouldn’t learn from others, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be your experience too.
‘Trying to fit in’, trying to fit in where? Society? But isn’t society us? We are constantly changing, so where exactly are we trying to fit in? It’s paradoxical, isn’t it? — we contribute to the very standards we later feel the pressure to meet.
I came across a YouTube video (the irony of me referring to a YouTube video XD) from ‘The Ash Files’ (and no, this is not a promotional article); she talks about how somewhere along the way we lost ourselves, how we say ‘yes’ to a party and be with a crowd you’d never spend time with, how we follow along and don’t raise our voice against an argument in group discussion, how even with writing it’s easy to lose our voice even before drafting the first version. All for what? To avoid the discomfort of saying ‘no’, the side-eyes and the awkward silence that follows after sharing your opinion, just so you can blend in. Just a tiny edit every day, until one day your life isn’t yours anymore, you aren’t you anymore.
I then realised, all these while long I wasn’t addressing the root cause which is me not being honest with and trusting myself enough. I was just applying band-aid solutions which weren’t obviously going to last. Every time I was doing things I didn’t like, I didn’t pause and ask myself — ‘Would I still do it if no one was watching me?’ Every time I edited my opinion, I didn’t pause and ask myself — ‘Is that exactly how I think or feel?’ Every time I went easy on my boundaries, I didn’t pause and ask myself — ‘Do I really want this? Am I performing for someone?’
Most of the time goes by without even being aware of this, and the rest goes by inaction after being aware that something isn’t right. It wasn’t that I didn’t hear my voice; it was that I didn’t permit myself to listen to it and trust it. I didn’t trust what I knew because it conflicted with other people’s expectations. I am not suggesting that every compromise is a betrayal of myself. Sometimes we attend events we wouldn’t choose, we accommodate people we love, or hold back an opinion because the situation calls for tact. The key is — Are we consciously making the decision or abandoning ourselves to avoid disapproval?
