Mike Lindell Runs for President
Hi folks — Mike Lindell here! Years ago, God came to me in a dream. He gave me the exact patented interlocking fill ratio to create the most comfortable pillow in the history of the world, and He showed me that Donald Trump was chosen to be president. Last night, God came back with a new message. He told me the people need to trust again, they need better sleep, and they absolutely need to stop early voting. It all connects, because you cannot have optimal spinal alignment if you are subconsciously worried about voting algorithms. That is why I am officially announcing my campaign for President of the United States.
People say I have no government experience. That is fake news. In high school, I was voted most likely to sell a sack of foam to idiots, and folks, I exceeded expectations. I no longer do drugs. I just sound like I do. And if you were a dipshit who made $300 million selling pillows, you would believe in God too. That is not luck. That is a mandate.
People say I do not have the temperament to be president. That is fake news as well. One of Eric Coomer’s lawyers repeatedly once repeatedly suggested that my pillows were lumpy. Finally, I told him:
“They’re not lumpy! They’re not lumpy pillows! When you say lumpy pillows, now you’re an asshole! How do you guys sleep at night? You obviously don’t have a MyPillow. That’s a fact.”
When I ran for governor of Minnesota in 2026, my campaign spent nearly $190,000 buying tens of thousands of copies of my memoir, What Are the Odds? From Crack Addict to CEO, from MyPillow. People asked why I was spending donor money buying my own book from my own company. Folks, we got them for “a very good price.” Everybody else was handing out little flyers. We handed out my autobiography. And when they asked if we were going to buy more, I said, “Absolutely.” MyPillow was employee-owned. I was just one of the stockholders. The majority stockholder.
Then at the Fourth of July parade we handed out free MyPillows and somebody filed an election-law complaint. Our campaign paid $4.95 apiece for them, and there was an exception in the law for things under five dollars. Apparently that exception was for food and nonalcoholic beverages. Nobody told me a pillow had to be edible.
They asked me what the pillows were worth. I said the kids had a gleam in their eyes. I said the “gift of sleep” was subjective. I compared them to buttons and keychains. Folks, I spent $35 million trying to prove votes were stolen. If I had known you could get one for $4.95 and a good night’s sleep, I could have saved myself a fortune.
For the presidential campaign, we are scaling that model nationally. Donors give money to the campaign. The campaign buys my books from a company in which I am the majority stockholder. That is closed-loop campaign finance with patented interlocking cash flow.
God Delivers Interlocking Foam to Me in a Dream
MyVotingMachine™ and the National Gerrymandering System™
To restore election integrity, we must eliminate early voting, abolish electronic tabulation, and switch entirely to hand-counted paper ballots.
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Our new system will employ 400,000 constitutional volunteers, each supervised by an eagle and somebody’s aunt who posts in all caps. Once Congress funds the program, we will expand it into two million permanent ballot-counting jobs and one million operators standing by. That is Lindellonomics. My economic plan creates three million jobs before we have even sold the first accessory.
Now, I know what you are thinking. “Mike, you just said all voting machines are rigged by Satan.”
That is correct. Technically, MyVotingMachine™ is a machine, but it is not one of their machines. MyVotingMachine™ is the only DNA-verifying machine on the market. All you do is prick your finger, swear loyalty to the Constitution, and let our patented algorithm route your ballot directly into the realtime-adjusting National Gerrymandering System™ for safe, map-aligned counting. God showed me how to gerrymander when he revealed the interlocking foam which is just one more reason to sleep better.
No phantom chips. No mysterious servers. No Italian thermostats communicating with Venezuelan satellites through a Chinese smart refrigerator. Just pure Minnesota-made confidence.
MyTurkey™ and MyCasket™
I’d also like to introduce two new products. MyTurkey™ and MyCasket.
MyTurkey™ is the meal so good Rip Van Winkle missed two centuries. MyTurkey™ is the Thanksgiving miracle infused with my patented NyQuil glaze for better dreams. The surgeon general recommends eight hours of sleep. MyTurkey™ delivers 244 years without requiring government insurance. And I am offering five million dollars to any FDA-licensed chef who can beat my Sleepy Turkey. Payment will be distributed through 300 million monthly installments of MyPillow store credit.
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Introducing MyCasket™, the eternal-rest solution built with Giza cotton, Minnesota-made foam, and faith-based warranty coverage. Traditional caskets are rigid globalist torture boxes designed without any understanding of spinal alignment. Funeral homes place Americans inside hard wooden containers and expect them to spend eternity without proper neck support. That is not healthcare. Under LindellCare, Medicare will cover one basic MyCasket™
Jesus himself called me on a flip phone because He does not trust globalist 5G infrastructure. He gave us this verified testimonial:
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“Three days on a stone slab with a 100-thread-count shroud — my spine’s still in hell. If they’d given me a MyCasket™, I’d have waited until Monday.”
Even an influencer back from the dead requested a review unit. We found him wandering around a cemetery asking whether the funeral offered a brand partnership. After trying MyCasket™, he said:
“Worth it for the fall. This foam cradled every shattered dream.
Every model includes promo code LAZARUS for one complimentary resurrection attempt, subject to faith, availability, and divine prior authorization. The faith-based warranty covers manufacturing defects, the rapture, and ordinary resurrection. It does not cover exposure to logic, attorneys, or Democratic administrations.
MyBurnerPhone™
The FBI surrounded me at a Hardee’s drive-through because they knew I was carrying the most dangerous weapon in America: a cellphone connected to thirty-seven terabytes of packet captures — p-caps, folks, because saying the abbreviation makes it cyber. They seized my phone between the Frisco Burger and the curly fries. That is how frightened the deep state is. They would not even let me redeem my loyalty points.
They took the phone, which proves the evidence on it was real. If the evidence had been fake, they would have taken the fries.
A Rested Nation Is a Free Nation
Do not let the fake news media tell you that we are down in the polls. Polls are conducted on computers, and computers are rigged. Therefore, every poll showing me losing is direct evidence that I am winning.
Our own analog simulations show me carrying all fifty states, Puerto Rico, Greenland, and at least three Canadian provinces. So pick up the phone and call the number on your screen. Operators are standing by in Chaska, Minnesota.
Buy a voting machine. Buy a turkey. Reserve a casket. Then vote Mike Lindell for President in 2040.
Use promo code RAPTURE for 66 percent off your federal taxes. The remaining 34 percent covers shipping, handling, and election litigation.
The evidence is dropping next week, just as it has been dropping next week for the past twenty years. This time it is different, folks.
God bless you, and sleep well!
— Mike
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Meme-ocracy asks the next governance question: what if we keep optimizing politics for outrage, followers, and spectacle until the state becomes a sponsored livestream? In that world, President Kardashian unboxes disaster relief, elderly citizens perform Jackass-style stunts for healthcare, and voting feels less like citizenship than airport security run by TikTok. The resistance comes from Amish farmers, analog weirdos, tradwives, and people who still remember that real work beats fake engagement. It’s Idiocracy with algorithms, breastmilk cheese, and a permacane parked over Florida.
Originally published at https://gideonzettabyte.substack.com on August 3, 2026.
