Navigate Life: Practical Tips for Everyday Success: Part 2
This series is a collection of timeless tips to help navigate the complexity and ever-changing nature of life.
In Part 1 I discussed the Up Family of Tips
The Up Family
Tip 1: Embrace a Growth Mindset
Tip 2: Set Fuzzy Goals
Tip 3: Be Adaptable
Tip 4: Reflect and Adjust
This next family of tips is the Heal family. It’s a small family, but it’s crucial to apply these tips if you want to thrive.
The Heal Family
Tip 5: Practise Self-Compassion
Tip 6: Prioritise Self-Care
Tip 5: Practise Self-Compassion
Self Compassion. Seems a little selfish. Unless you consider it in the light of the Golden Rule. The Golden rule permeates the world’s great religions in one form or another.
Christianity: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (Matthew 7:12)
Judaism: “What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor.” (Talmud, Shabbat 31a)
Islam: “None of you truly believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.” (Hadith)
Hinduism: “This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you.” (Mahabharata 5:1517)
Buddhism: “Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.” (Udana-Varga 5.18)
Confucianism: “Do not impose on others what you do not wish for yourself.” (Analects 15:24)
Jainism: “One should treat all creatures in the world as one would like to be treated.” (Mahavira, Sutrakritanga)
Zoroastrianism: “Do not do unto others whatever is injurious to yourself.” (Shayast-na-Shayast 13.29)
Taoism: “Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.” (T’ai Shang Kan Ying P’ien)
Basically we should treat others the way we want to be treated. If you have no compassion for yourself — then exercising compassion towards others might be a stretch.
One of the most powerful coaching moments of my life was a training I attended on self-talk. Self-talk is the voice that you use to speak to yourself. Your inner monologue — sometimes it might feel like it’s an inner dialogue.
I’m not referring to hearing voices in your head. That’s something else. The facilitator of the course described Self-Talk and then asked a powerful question:
“Would you talk to someone else the way you talk to yourself?”
The question caught me completely off guard. I realised that when I was not doing well, when I messed up — my self-talk was extremely harsh, critical and downright abusive.
I cringed at the thought of speaking to anyone like that. The part that was mortifying was that it was OK for me to talk to myself like that. I grabbed myself by the scruff of the neck, dragged me out behind the barn, and slapped some sense into…um… No. That did not happen.
I was stunned. I also realised that I would never allow anyone else to talk to me like that. Yet I talked to myself like that. The next few weeks were interesting. I would constantly interrupt my self-talk, take back what I said (remember the playground — “Take it back”), and replace it with something more constructive.
I discovered that one of my favourite phrases that I called myself when I engaged in self-talk rhymes with Bourbon — hint — it starts with “M”. Not cool.
My self-talk pattern was well ingrained by the time I first noticed it — I was in my 40’s — trained that nasty habit for decades. It took a while to clean up my self-talk. Weeks and months of it.
Every now and again I regress. The part that is interesting about this is that instead of getting upset with myself and getting really angry and doubling down on myself into a self-talk vicious cycle, I interrupt and say something like this to myself,
“You are not a Bourbon. You just made a mistake. Not trying and not making mistakes is failure. Trying and making mistakes is what winners do.” Something like that. Maybe you think it’s trite — but it’s way better than verbally abusing myself. Sometimes I even say it out aloud — usually alone in my car.
What is your Self-Talk like?
This is a good point to pause and reflect…
If it’s harsh and judgemental — time to get out a big bottle of self-compassion and pour yourself a triple.
Even if you have cordial self-talk — go ahead — add some more self-compassion.
You might be wondering how this tip is meant to help you be successful and thrive. The answer is that if you want to deal with complexity, stress and challenges — it really helps if you come from a place of wholeness and strength.
You will benefit, but the people around you will benefit even more.
One of the wonderful side effects of sorting out my self-talk was that I discovered that I eased up on harsh judgments I made about people I dealt with in my everyday life.
Early in my corporate career I was extremely Driven. Driven with a Capital “D”. I was a Project Manager, and I was happy to drive projects kicking and screaming over the line. I treated project deadlines with the same monomaniacal relentless focus that a Terminator has. Run through walls, take a bullet. Achieve the objective!
I was the clown in the room who snorted derisively when people said there was no ‘i’ in ‘team’. My self-talk was something like this, “There is ‘I’ in de’l’Iver. There is an ’I’ in k’I’ck-ass, and ‘I’ wIll k’’Ick every ass that needs a k’I’ck.”
The change in my self-talk permeated my thinking, which changed my attitude. Today I not only embrace the concept of no ‘i’ in team — I also deeply understand there is no ‘i’ in ‘Leader’.
One of the easiest-hardest books to read is “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie.
The concepts are easy to understand, but doing them on a daily basis — tough as nails. I try to read this book every couple of months. It’s always a wake-up call — like getting dunked in an ice-bath.
This nugget is from his book:
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness. ‘To know all is to forgive all.’ As Dr. Johnson said: ‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.’ Why should you and I?”
The book is basically about how we deal with and talk to other people. The other lesson for me is that we need to apply those self-same principles to our self-talk.
Here’s a fuzzy goal — you can accept it if you want to — grab a copy of this book and read it in the next couple of months. Make sure you get the original version — not the ‘modernised’ one. Yes — it is a little dated — but the concepts are timeless.
Tip 6: Prioritise Self-Care
This is another seemingly selfish tip. Pro-tip — it’s not!
Have you ever had your car break down? I have — more than once. In my first career I was a teacher. Cash-strapped does not adequately explain it.
Side-Bar: If you know a teacher or have any influence on any teacher’s remuneration: Pay Them More. A lot more. Seriously.
Anyway — where were we…
If you’ve ever had a car break down, I am sure that your experience will match mine. Cars do not break down at convenient places or convenient times. They tend to break down at the most inconsiderate places and times. If you have had a car break down — I am willing to bet that you spoke to it.
Even though you know Transformers are not real, some part of you kept hoping that your car is in fact Bumblebee in disguise.
We know that cars are inanimate objects. They are just machines. They have no soul. No intelligence. And yet — here we are: Pleading. Begging. Threatening. To no avail.
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I had an old VW Jetta — it was a ugly metallic blue. When it rained and I drove through a puddle of water — sometimes the plug points (I think) would get wet, and the infernal combustion engine would not combust. One time I was driving home and got caught in a torrential highveld rainstorm. There are no raindrops — it’s like being trapped under a waterfall. To breathe you would need scuba gear.
I was not far from home, and decided to take a shortcut through a dubious neighbourhood and beat the storm home. No such luck. I went through a huge puddle and my car started doing that intermittent jerking thing. I implored all the deities I could think of, cursed the weather, and then coasted to a standstill.
It was dusk. Visibility was poor. I had just rounded a bend on a road that people loved to speed on. I was in the middle of the lane.
In the interests of self preservation and not getting into a multi-car pile up. I got out with the aim of pushing the car to the side. My nifty smart casual work outfit was soaked in nanoseconds.
I tried that thing where you wind the window down and try to steer and push the car to the side. It’s a big, heavy car. Solid German engineering. I’m a big strong guy. I had played in the scrum at high school.
The problem with trying to scrum your car in a rainstorm while wearing your smooth leather work shoes is that there is no grip. None whatsoever. My legs shot out, and I face planted into the waterlogged road. Made quite a splash.
After I got up and engaged in some of that not so good self-talk, I contemplated leaving the car on the side of the road and taking a stroll through Muggerville to get help.
The story had a happy ending. Some Traffic police drove past, took pity upon me and towed my car to the nearest petrol station. Even today I get nervous when I’m driving and it rains, despite driving a Subaru that can probably drive under water. Overcompensation some would say…
The lesson I learned was the following: Look after your car. Regular services. If anything sounds or feels odd or off — take it to the mechanic. Get the problem sorted.
We are the same. We need to look after ourselves. It’s not quite as easy as maintaining a car — the manufacturer gives you a book with service intervals stipulated. We don’t come with service intervals — but we can learn.
I have a friend who sees a physio once a week. He has a back issue. It needs maintenance once a week. It’s preventative. Physio once a week means he does not have an episode where he breaks down and is stuck on his back for 4 days.
I need to exercise regularly. I feel better. Endorphins. Stress relief. I also need to read. It’s part of my self-care routine.
Work out what self-care you need. You can start off by looking at all the various dimensions of your life — here’s a non-exhaustive list:
- Mental
- Emotional
- Spiritual
- Physical
Or
- Food
- Exercise
- Sleep
- Education
- Entertainment
- Travel
Or mine
- Exercise with kettlebells
- Coffee
- Ice-Cream
- Reading Sci-Fi
- Watching Sci-Fi and Fantasy
- Exercise with weights
- Reading Growth books
- Listening to music
- Reading inspirational books
- Spending time with my loved ones
- Going to boxing classes — that’s my cardio
- Listening to mind-blowing podcasts
- Watching sitcoms
- Going to restaurants with my wife
- Dark Beers
- Writing Sci-fi & Fantasy
- Reading poetry
- Writing poetry
- Blogging
There is no Correct list for what Self-Care is. Make a list of the stuff that you need to focus on for Self-Care.
Seriously — if you neglect self-care, because the “official” stuff that you think needs to be on your self-care list bores you to tears — then maybe it’s time to draw up a list of stuff that You need for Self-Care.
My Self-Care list includes ice-cream. It also includes binge watching sit-coms. I have a friend who is an adrenaline junkie. His self care is about the open road in a car with way too much power or on a motorbike. I have other friends who relish cycling on mountain bikes through the wilderness for days on end and sleeping on the ground.
Others want to garden or bake. Take in a concert. Newsflash — these are self-care.
Car manufacturers have it easy. For every model of the TarBurner GTO the service interval is 10 000km. Why? because they are all the same.
Humans — none of us are the same — not even twins. You need to work out what a correct Service interval for you is and exactly what needs to be done. Then do it.
Do it because you need it.
Do it because that will prevent you from breaking down.
Trust me — when you break down it won’t be at a convenient time or place.
Prioritise Self-Care.
You owe it to yourself. You owe it to everyone else!
Spend some time thinking about the Heal family. Check your Self-Talk. Audit your Self-Care routine.
Set some fuzzy self-care goals.
If you look back at Tip 1 about getting a Growth mindset — you might discover that the hold-up to unleashing Growth is that you are neglecting Self-Care.
In Part 3 we’ll meet the Connect Family.
If you would like to explore your Self-Talk or get coached on your Self-Care routine — reach to me at demystify.co.za
