When I was younger, I was part of a congregation. I wanted to belong, to feel included, hence I did almost all of the things that I thought could make me a part of the youth group there. I thought that if I am included, I will be part of the “cool kids” group. Hence, I tried going to the youth camp, tried my best to socialize despite me being an introvert. It took a lot of effort for me, however, given that it was a forced effort on my part as a kid, I looked awkward, I looked weird.
How did I know?
I saw how people looked at me, I feel them force themselves to talk to me — so I stopped. That was when I tried “church hopping”, going from one congregation to another in search of the place where I would feel like I belong.
However, with that process, I ended up more and more confused. I became more aloof and cynical, and tried to be distant so that I won’t be able to experience the same hurt as I had before.
Fast forward to me being in my early 20s… there was this time where I feel like I belonged somehow, with me being able to share how I understood the gospel to being part of the music ministry and making use of the gift that was given to me by God. I was able to lead the worship through singing in front of a crowd despite having social anxiety. I was able to participate with the activities I once dreamt of joining when I was a teenager, this time, It felt like it was not forced. Everything was smooth sailing — or so I thought.
It dawned on me that being part of this group came with a cost. I should be able to prove something, that I was “valuable” in their eyes just so I can fulfill my desire to serve and be of help. I should put certain people in a pedestal because they are seen as the “leaders”. I heard countless reasons why I cannot be a part of the group or that my application to certain activities got rejected with unknown reasons.
It was happening again.
And this time, it hurt way worse.
I felt inadequate, I questioned myself what was wrong with me, where am I lacking, what should I do to improve more and be accepted as I am, and the questions came one after another. I lost myself trying to vie for their approval.
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It took a lot of time before I realized that I was looking in the wrong direction.
I was already accepted.
I was already loved.
I already belonged to Christ.
It was His approval and acceptance I should aim for, not those of men.
I am a child of God, and no one can take that away from me.
He was just waiting for me to turn around and see that He was waiting for me all along.
I still have a lot to learn, and I may not that be as “active” as others are, but that is already something that Christ and I am working on.
Our relationship takes precedence over anything else. I may still be struggling with that due to a lot of distractions, but I am working on it :)
More of Him and less of me.
