Not I.

Writing blogs or some text always starts with the narrator also being the spectator or Vilicus of all the events and happenings they describe in the essay or the paragraphs ahead, It screams self reflection and a mature outlook to what their life is like, whereas I don’t know what lies ahead of this script.

The use of the word ‘whereas I’ is a ‘high’ giver and has engulfed everyone in this world more than Salvia has. I am this ,I am that, I am different ,I will change ,I am better, but who am I? What am I?

I wake up everyday to check the mirror and feel who is that? Am i really that? This questioning of

am i in this body rn?

This isn’t anything wrong and is the part of the awe we sometime get about our life, when something snaps and you realize you are really living in autopilot.

Am i okay? Am i depressed?no, but something which is opposite of HAPPY is not ‘wrong’.

And i will infact drop this potential response of yours by saying “No , i don’t mean it in a bad way and i am perfectly happy and rather a highly highly privileged teen”, well yea true

But who are we joking with here, We are all little psycho socio paths and everything that is considered physically mentally and socially extreme and ill ; just in very minute, inconspicuous proportions.

As Humans we “Pfft” our way through a person’s story and then go on to feel our own emotions and insecurities overly inflated like drug addicts do in withdrawal.

I look at the mirror, reflects the most horrendous face of stood up hair, oily nose, lips shut close. Make out the most ugly and evil grin or smile impulsively myself that would have won me some ghost ladies who were watching me.

Keep staring at yourself in the mirror for 30 minutes they say, I am a perfect candidate for that but i wont risk doing that and my brain with its lack of “having watched horror movies” to still create the most scary and terrorizing horror face which i will hallucinate on for the rest of the day.

I have feared drowning or any suffocation since childhood, its gotta be a natural fear in humans for sure, but also i fuck around water buckets and tubs , dipping my face slowly into the surface of water, hairs in first then tilt the neck to submerge the front margin of my face into the water, just to know how is it like to swim or atleast go underwater. Another pastime would be feeling the Surface tension on the water on the brim of the bucket, water does act like a membrane with a ‘closing in” force acting throughout its outer surface eh ahaaaa. I remember you Cengage wink emoji-wink emoji.

Is this weird?

Back to the mirror,

The mirror also offers me other looks at my upper body for sure. In the beginner stage, not enough muscle is built, which upon flexing shows the actual definition.

Why do i want to be strong?

Is to not be in the stat which says,

“so many people die shamelessly, without knowing what beauty and capabilities their bodies were worth of”

My hairs are raised, are dry and messed up into one another, forming little knots and tornado spirals.my idle state of being isn’t a stand still, but rather my left or right hand constantly tries to free all uneasy knots of hair that i have created myself by pulling and twirling them while i am studying or am bored or even when im listening to someone. I feel helpless trying to fix or go around this whatever flaw or mental ocd like disorder i have but it is certainly very very troubling to me because i struggle to focus at times because of this, I have a distraction living up on me own head.

Did I come here just to listen this guy rant negative no bull shit ??

Yea, I’m sorry but anyways,

In me own head lies thoughts ,egos, biases, insecurities ,fears, anger. Pretention is what i picked up about myself a few days ago.

My favorite Actor (and i hope to claim that statement by watching all his movies, short long and music too) is Cilian Murphy (fine shyt ngl). Long story short what grabbed me into him was his personality, i won’t try to describe what Cilian’s personality is like, his youtube interview compilations, Actors On Actors videos speak volumes.

Liking him also reveals the inner reason why i do. I see or want to see my personality become that of Cilian’s, but always fail in the attempts of.

“ Aree Mai bhi bohot try karta ki naa hasu bahut zyada paglo saman, but woh ek do baar hi hota hai phir nahi hota re”

Well the goal isn’t to not be what you are but that’s just being lazy.

“A person who is authentic doesn’t need to play a role in life, he/she can simply be him/her-self. This concept has value only in friendships and in intimate relationships but outside of that, it is also true that

It requires no effort to simply be oneself or to blast one’s message, and lack of effort results in lack of effect on other people’s psychology about you”- Robert Greene (50 Laws of Human Nature)

but i guess if i try to change myself, that is the first step right?

“Impediment to action becomes the action”, maybe ‘starting superficially’ is the first step to bring about actual change. Its on us who will decide whether to move ahead from that first step and move towards change,

or be just like pretentious politicians with shallow claims and -like promises ,all their term and IAS transfer letters if someone dares go otherwise.

“Lately i have been I’ve been losing sleep dreaming about things that we could be” (I suggest u click on this hyperlink or all of them if u may:) )

okay u back impressed now?

I’ve been sleeping well and not have episodes of any self realizations lately, the time i waste, the scrolls I go doom. My Self is ignorant to the point it seems that, something or someone else is keeping me this way, like the universe expanding is not observed locally but effect of expansion is seen far out in the deep space.

What how and who will fix this?

There’s no fix to this, I still am sitting here again twirling my hairs while i cant think of something as i am typing this in complete darkness. I have little percentages of being a “gone case” “cant be fixed state” inside me. Call this weird.

I never had an inner monologue or a voice playing in my head and i would do what not to acquire the inner voices of L or Light. Multiples tries to create my inner voice, which would speak english or speak my mother language, which would play in the background of while i am talking to people.

I guess how one cannot do moderate level of arithmetical calculations in their mind while they are sprinting or jumping, same way i cannot have an inner voice when the chaos envelopes me on the outside.

.Gives an Npc, life on auto pilot feel eh.

I wanna sleep on a fluffy cloud facing the gentle moonlight moon. Wake up to thunder and lightning occurring below me as i peep across the edge of the cloud to see it. Feel weightlessness for once in my life. I weirdly wanna feel Megalophobia in space and walk on the ocean bed.

Sleep is such a good resetter, and i like the way I feel after a good sleep, the lack of any sensory external stimulation, while i say this i also proceed to immediately grab my phone first thing in the morning, cuz i also am a hypocrite. Post sleep is the only time when my nasal passages are clearer than ever, and my eyes are wide open like a baby’s,I cant speak anything for some reason. I love this state of mine, purely receptive devoid of my internal conflicts.

Internal conflicts he says, pfft you see this guys, this is hyper inflation i referred to earlier !!

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I was drawn to Kota Factory in 10th std, and have seen the season 1 multiple times, it was my background to any unmindful task. This free YT series offered a Periscope view towards JEE preparation, hence I was drawn to this ‘uncharted’ territory of life and yes we always do, The Grass is Always Greener on the farther side.

“It is not possession but DESIRE that impels people. To possess something or some current state of life inevitably brings about some disappointment and sparks the desire for something new to pursue”

Robert Greene (50 Laws Of Human Nature)

Entering the JEE life, I couldn’t help but laugh at Vaibhav’s rant because nothing in inorganic was that bad as portrayed in his Karthik Aaryan monologue S1 E3. Well tbh no one at my coaching could judge if inorganic was an exception entirely,cuz the subject was taught to us at the legit brink of our 1st JEE Mains Attempt.

I mean toppers would find their way around this FLAW and they did, and i found out too, even though I didnt top , JACK! . but this was such a gamble on student’s study by the coaching. Shouldn’t the time to teach all three branches of Chemistry be well allotted?. We have gone Months without the other branches of Chemistry… itz just terrible.

We all learn from our mistakes which the coaching did too and they have managed to fix this in the next JEE batch, but teaching for a JEE coaching institute is like pre-flight checks done by pilots. There can exist no error or flaws if you want the plane or Results to take off.

I have been such a ‘my coaching’ paglu all the two and a half years, to the point that I haven’t watched any online lectures other than a handful few (five to seven of physics) in 11th.

You’d know how much complains I had about my coaching, and my answers to “ye nahi samjhate acche se” , “the teacher got fired” , “I was sick”, was SELF study from the GOD SENT BOOKS of JEE preparation viz. Cengage Publications.

I’ve had benchmates clear backlogs in a week through lectures which i was hustling slowly slowlyy with my self study.

I joined the coaching’s library in the month of AUGUST and went from staying there for 3 hrs to then 15. The library with its ‘latter’ emptiness was equivalent to my ideal bench infront of the lake with moon floating in it. Using the teacher’s board with what elegant chalk they haddddd

ohhhhhhhhhh ma gawddddddddddddddddddddd..

…for teaching myself concepts or entire new subjects like Electronics(for 12th boards). Studying in the library on Sundays, asking the subordinate or idk assistant of our MD to allow students to come to the library on the occasion of festivals even when i know only I’d be there. Such was the frequency of mine going there that the watchman, the dog, the entire staff became fond of me. I was all over that place well even was omnipresent because of welp… my bad hairfall back then, which were proofs of ‘Gaurav was here.’

So what went wrong with a guy who was always alienated by others from belonging to their mediocrity.

I have come now to realize that the self study was ok, the not seeing lectures to accelerate the learning process and rebound the learning curve was ok (cuz well everyone learns at their own pace).

It was…………
just not enough

especially Mathematics. I have loads of notebooks and rough notebooks used throughout those years and yes majority of them belonged to independent individual maths practice which dated to as early as July 2024(11th),

OKAY AND THAT WAS NOT ENOUGH???WHAT IS THEN???

This was and always will be a competitive exam with a time bound hovering over your ass or well a time clock counting down, and the loads of practice made me familiar with almost the entirety of concept used in questions even in JEE ADV pyqs, but this wouldn’t guarantee my ability to solve questions or my mind click with approaching steps to a problem, under time pressure. There is a difference.

Maths being a rank decider for a PCM student in any exam they sit in, I have seen my school and coaching mates who were long lost in the preparation initially, now just kill it just cuz they became (if lack for a better word) PROFICIENT in math.

I just would not choose to go to that ‘centre of my life for two years’ ever again. The people and teachers I met there, with their “aree tera kaise nahi hua” and the entire series of Kota Factory are now my fuck up reminders which I don’t look up to explore yet again.

. On 21 June, there’s a group batch photo there which none of my ‘Van’ friends including me are attending. The whatsapp group lays dead silent upon the notifications of the date of group photo.

Wow i had to make this blog about me again lol !! sigh.

I have learnt to henceforth ‘Elevate my perspective’

“In the present moment we lack perspective. With the passage of time, we gain info and see more of the truth, What was invisible to us in the present becomes visible in retrospect”

-Robert Greene (50 Laws of Human Nature)

You see,

Many success stories, (if not fabricated in star batches, from 7th 8th std kids) are actually students at a low in their JEE prep realize their position and hence plan their way out of this. Their success strategy was a mere execution of the immediate thing that was keeping them behind the masses.

hehe XD

Calling out others on writing blogs for self reflection and doing one right now is some next level bullcrap i have snorted on while saying that in the beginning of this text.

This was my –PORTION of

“We are all little psycho-socio paths and everything that is considered physically mentally and socially extreme and ill , just in inconspicuous proportions.”

And well the ones who have this in conspicuous proportions simp on hot serial killers and criminals.

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ok.

So yes ik

What this blog gave me was unnecessary entitlement as if doing bare minimum took me my blood sweat and tears LOL , but allow me to do it in the following line too please.

But Idk__

Idk if i have or have not been at peace since then? And it is okay if one is unsure about what gives him/her peace.

Because we have Peace in between Wars and not Wars in between of peace.

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inspired by Anxiously Yours-Rohan Joshi.