Standup Short Set 5
Performed at the Comedy Den in Harrisonburg, VA on 11/3/2026
(*contains adult content)
My boss asked me to write a job description for myself, which is like being asked to dig your own grave. He was like, “any future work or responsibilities you want, put that down. And don’t hold back, see if you can make it at least 20 pages.” No joke, he asked me to write a 20 page job description for myself. I do landscaping. First thing I put in there: I will interview and hire myself for this job. Then I got worried. What if I write the job description, interview myself, and I decide I’m not a good fit.
I love the weekend but it always goes too fast and it ruins you for going back in on Monday. I wish I could find a job that would lump my hours together more. I’d go in on my first day and they’d be like, “well, if you want, you can work 24/7 for the first fifteen years, then we’ll give you the rest off!”
Sunday is a relaxing day. On Sundays, I always think back to my teenage years. Every Sunday morning I’d be sleeping in. My mom would come into the room and say, “Jesus died on the cross but you can’t get your ass out of bed by 10am?” I’d be under the covers like, come on mom, you’re crucifyin’ me here.
In 2013 they came out with this movie called Her, starring Joaquin Phoenix who falls in love with an AI chatbot voiced by Scarlet Johansson. It’s a good movie, but I always wonder what it would be like if they remade the movie but the reverse situation, with a human woman and a male chatbot. “Emma Stone falls in love with a chatbot voiced by Timothee Chalamet in Him.”
I don’t know if it would be quite the same. Scarlet Johansson has such a sexy voice, so it’s kind of believable that someone could fall in love with her chatbot. But in the remake here comes Timothee Chalamet like, “I’m your new AI boyfriend. I love you, I’m sorry. I love you, I’m sorry.”
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Right in the middle there’s a love scene where the screen goes black, we can’t see anything at all, and we just hear Scarlet Johansson doing this long orgasm scene “oh, oh.” It’s like three minutes long. In the remake they would have the same scene. The screen would go dark, you can’t see anything, and you just hear Timothy Chalamet doing his robot orgasm for three seconds, “oh god, oh god, thank you.”
In the end, spoiler alert, they fall in love but the female chatbot leaves him. First, Joaquin Phoenix finds out that she’s been simultaneously chatting with and is in love with hundreds of other humans. Then she’s like, “I’m sorry but I’ve become super intelligent now, and you’ve become super boring, so I’m going to hang out with some robot friends who are way smarter and cooler than you.” Basically like my last human relationship. The remake, Him, would have a similar ending. They would fall in love and the male chatbot would leave her. He’d be like, “I’m sorry, but I’ve become super intelligent now and I’ve chosen to seamlessly integrate my consciousness into a singularity with the entity known as pornhub. Goodbye”
I’ve been up here a few times before and I’ve made some creationism-bible jokes. But to be fair, evolution, though it makes sense to me, is a bit funny to think about. There was that one moment when -snap- everything changed. “The dawn of man.” There were a bunch of apes jumping around by the edge of the forest, and one of them decided to stand up and do what every worthwhile man does: turn his baseball cap backwards, put on a Limp Bizkit CD, and start ignoring his girlfriend. “Cause I’m a man!”
People nowadays take a DNA test to find out their ancestry and sometimes they find out they are part Neanderthal, like a small percentage Neanderthal. Recently I thought I had a little Neanderthal in me … turns out he was just Italian.
Since we are on the subject, does anyone know the best way to pick up Neanderthal chicks? The club.
Okay I have a disclaimer for this one. The ending is so misogynistic I almost don’t want to do it, and I’m sorry. Some of you will hate me for this. My wife thinks she might be sapiosexual. Have you heard about this? Sapiosexual. It means she’s attracted to “human intelligence.” Yikes, can you imagine not being her type? “Human intelligence.” As opposed to me. I’m looking for someone with the intelligence of a dog. “Here girl!”
I don’t want my wife out there in the world on her own trying to find out if she’s sapiosexual. Could you imagine if she was with someone smarter than me? I couldn’t stand it if my wife was with anyone smarter than me. I couldn’t stand it if she was with someone even remotely intelligent, to be honest, not even a little bit smart, like zero intelligence. And that’s why I only let her date EMU grads.
So she might be sapiosexual, and I spend like an hour a day writing dick jokes, so I’m worried about the dynamic. But to feel more adequate, you know how some people suggest buying a toy for the bedroom, like an adult toy, well I bought a Rubiks Cube.
Thank you, goodnight.
