The Addict
mazing how time flies so swiftly, it is already 2025. The last I recalled coming out of army was during 2021 and I was preparing for my university. I was filled with boredom after going through a long period of limerence and I still have not yet moved on. It takes me ages to move on but after that crazy episode, it made me learnt a lot of lessons. For instance, I learnt how to distinguish between limerence and love. Limerence is that insatiable desire for validation and it is a one-sided obsession with another person. It takes a lot of time for me to heal as I ruminate on the episodes that I was with this person and kept on going in a vicious cycle. I kept thinking of whether this person likes me and tries to find reasons to support the idea. It is futile though, because I would not know what is going on in the other person’s head.
Did things do better afterwards? Nope.
When I was university, I was still the same person who is struggling with limerence with the same person even though the person is not here with me anymore as we go on separate ways. I started to feel bored, empty, useless, idle, de-motivated etc. (the list just goes on…). And so, I chanced upon claw machine at a nearby shopping mall. I started to feel a rush of excitement whenever I would want to try to catch a toy and get rewarded. It then got worse when I went to another claw machine shop and spent some of my savings there. It was indeed, very addictive and I was alone. It felt like I am using these to distract myself from the pain that I am feeling. It was a maladaptive way of coping. I even went to searched up on more claw machine shops out of this shopping mall and saw that there was one bigger one in the central area of my country. Oh before I go on, before this bigger store, I also went to a smaller version of this store…
I went in, almost all of my savings were sucked up in the quickest way possible. I even learnt the mechanism of Ichiban Kuji, which is a Japanese gacha-like product and tried to aim to get those tickets myself. When this store was demolished in a span of a few months, I was discontented and went to find another store which is a few stations away. This claw machine place was like a haven for me. It has everything I would want to go for. Limited edition figurines, character figurines which I adore (is it really though? because in the past, I did not appreciate these). And so… it goes on and on until I’m close to $0 in my bank account. I even had to resort to begging my parents to help me fund and when they did, the money also goes down to the drain. I felt guilty yet I didn’t feel shameless at all as I continued without stopping. It was a super hard, painful experience for me. I even almost stole items before too and tried to lie. It was very unlike me and it was the first time I am facing this kind of experience.
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And then, just when I thought the claw machine era is going to be over, Pokémon TCG had to pop by to say “Hi”. When you think claw machine is a nightmare, it was just a beginning of the nightmare. I spent countless of time and money on Pokémon TCG too. I even resorted to “gambling” online by visiting Pokémon streams because there is bounty to catch. I thought I can make easy money or at least cushion the losses that I have incurred for the past years. Boy, was I so wrong about it…
I even tried to do streaming myself, but I could not help to discipline myself and still made similar mistakes again, and again. I am so mad and upset with myself many times. I told myself to stop, but I still continued. I don’t know why I am like this.
Coming back to May 2025, I realized the things that I have been doing are not like me in the past. I do not spend recklessly, and I even found gambling to be silly when I was young. Here I am, doing the same thing. The way I was coping with my pain was not healthy at all. I made mistakes, over and over again. I did not stop. I thought, maybe, just maybe, I can sell TCG products on stream again and I can make money and start anew. Did it work? No.
Today, as I am sitting down at a cafe reflecting and drinking a cup of iced vanilla cappuccino, I will put my resolve to QUIT TCG and start to SAVE UP. Moving forward, I will live the same frugal life I lived when before Covid-19 happened. I will not casually spend unless necessary and if I want to support small businesses who just started up or just for self-care and fun with family and friends' purposes. Time for me to reflect on my spending habits, and to cut down anything that is hindering my savings.
I have decided to save up till the end of 2026 and then come back here to do an update on my overall savings. It serves an accountability checklist for me. This will be how it works… I am going to track monthly on my spendings and aim to spend less each time.
How much have I spent?
Update: I don’t want to monitor right now because I do not want finance to interfere with what I’m focusing right now.
