unforgettable
a morning i’ll remember.
he was lying there so quietly
i saw him actually by mistake because i dint notice him the first time
i was ironing uniforms, by whatever chance my eyes darted further down and i saw him
i glanced and went back to the ironing, time was running out and i hadn’t completed my preparations yet
but something felt
off,
so, i glanced again
went back to ironing
after a while my eyes actually decided to refocus and laser focus at him,
why was he so quiet?
i mean it's not like i expected him to make noise
but why was he so
still?
i thought i saw his chest moving up and down, like he was breathing?
of course he was, i was being paranoid for nothing,
but why was he lying like that, in that unnatural position, well not really unnatural but weird all things considered, and also not weird because it can happen,
well, what about the
eyes
his eyes were
unfocused, glazed over,
maybe i was just being creatively imaginative,
but even with all the movement about why was he
so
still.
I dint want to believe what i thought
i looked at him again, he looked just ok, like he was peacefully sleeping
but it all felt so so very off and odd
i deliberately made a loud noise but he dint move
nothing about him suggested signs of life being present
the eyes were indeed glazed; the stillness and the posture were most odd for sure
i instantly became sick,
panic overwhelmed me as i just stared in horror, rooted on the spot,
i rushed off and called my neighbor and explained the situation
she called security
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i dint stay to see what i knew would follow.
But when i descended the stairs later i went to check where i saw him
maybe i was wrong, i gave a false alarm, he was fine
but sadly
he wasn’t there
there were some dark drag marks on the floor suggesting the obvious.
I felt so sick and horrified
i was the one who made that discovery
i started imagining the reasons why,
did he die of thirst?
of starvation?
was he sick?
did someone…
why did he choose to go there under the stairs for those final moments?
did he cry out, even feebly?
i hope he dint suffer.
I never knew i could be this affected by his passing
it seems like no big deal, almost a non-issue, a ‘meh’ moment and life goes on
even the neighbors weren’t out and about discussing about the event,
but here i was deeply troubled, my mouth having that tasteless feeling, saliva filling my mouth, i still want to gag, i feel so sick each time i recall that morning.
I still pass by there, i still iron my clothes there and my eyes inadvertently glance at where he was
so still, ears not twitching, not faintly, not
ever!
so quiet, his fur was wet looked spiky, he had crossed his front paws, lay there flat on the ground facing one side, the neck at an angle as if looking out for passersby where we emerge from the stairs
the eyes
hauntingly lifeless, grey, clouded over, staring unseeing.
we only knew him as cat, that was his name.
Am still here feeling heavy hearted, so guilty, with a certain bereft feeling deep in me.
He wasn’t clingy, he wasn’t disturbing, he wasn’t a nuisance, he never was on the way of anyone, he just existed on his own world and benefitted from the kind generosity of everyone.
Am still plagued by a deep sense of remorse, like i had a hand on his demise,
am mourning him, carrying that last memory along with me every day,
of his grey and not so white fur, and his still form just lying there
waiting perhaps for something, someone to help or notice he was in distress,
nobody came
i came when it was a waiting frozen gaze,
too very late.
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