Moving Forward
Note: I posted this article on my personal Facebook page in November of 2020, shortly after Joe Biden won the 2020 presidential election. It is now being added to my Medium page for posterity, to give context as to where we came from, and to give insight into where we are going.
Despite Joe Biden winning the election, the course of the country (and potentially the world) is still moving towards further polarization and hostility. People on both sides of the divide have not made any more of an effort to bridge the gap between them.
Ultimately, this is not sustainable.
After weeks of contemplation, I believe I have an idea for how we can change ourselves in order to move towards a future that we aspire to see.
In the TED talk titled “How to Win an Argument”, Neal Katyal, one of the most distinguished lawyers in America, listed three key rules for winning arguments with others:
- Make a personal connection
- Do not be emotional
- Do not give up
At first, one might think, “ok, this is just feel-good fluff.” But in reality, this is the truth.
When we think of an argument, we think of yelling and insults, but those arguments never get resolved. Even if a person is proven wrong, he or she will not admit it out of spite. Both parties leave, bitter and unswayed.
The arguments that are won are the ones conducted with compassion. The heartfelt talks with close friends and family. Talks in which both sides tiptoe around each other’s feelings with the utmost care, because they cannot afford to lose that relationship over a mere disagreement.
These arguments are very different from the arguments that we have with strangers, and this is why we live in the world of today.
All too often, we seek the opportunity to belittle, insult, mock, and shame our ideological opponents. I get it. It feels good. We get a hit of dopamine as we construct and send that snarky comment on its merry way, to the millions of phones of those we dislike.
But at what cost? What are we truly gaining and sacrificing? We have gone about this way for the last four years, arguing with more fervor and hatred than the year before. Are we convincing anyone on the other side, or are we pushing them further and further away?
Meanwhile, we look back on memories from 2008, of presidential candidates John McCain and Barrack Obama enjoying each other’s company, with nostalgia. Those were the good ole days, we say to ourselves, as we sprint full-speed further and further away from those memories and from each other. And then we ironically wonder why that world of civility is no longer attainable.
However, it is attainable. But only if we do something that we have never done before: make a personal connection.
When many of us debate with friends on Facebook, we often disagree on a variety of personal and important issues, and yet we remain friends. Sometimes we make compromises. Other times, we agree to disagree. And occasionally, one person changes their mind. How can we replicate that in arguments with strangers that we disagree with?
I believe that we should talk to those we disagree with, stranger or not, as if they were our best friend. As if we could not risk losing their friendship over a disagreement. As if their feelings mattered, for which they very much do. But now, their feelings should matter to us.
When they disagree, we should be polite and considerate. We should choose our words with the utmost care, to not cross the line and offend them. We should accept that it is always better to agree to disagree, than it is to insult and offend.
It may be hard, at first. It may often be a one-way street. We may take some insults or abuse, but wouldn’t we have taken those insults or abuse regardless? What good does it do us to insult and abuse them back. We will not be victims simply because we err on the side of restraint.
And like in any friendship, with this show of kindness and empathy, we can talk a troubled friend into reassessing things, or we can be talked into reassessing ourselves.
This goes hand-in-hand with the second rule that Neal Katyal stated, to not get emotional. “Displays of emotion fail. It’s kind of like writing an email in all bold and all caps. It persuades no one. It’s then about you, the speaker, not about the listener or the receiver.”
We often assume that showing emotion can be good in an argument. The single tear, or the booming voice, or the heartfelt plea. But in reality, Neal is right. Being emotional forces the receiver to take our emotional state into account, and pushes the actual logistics to the side. It sucks the air out of the room, leaving little air for objectivity.
Thus, if we want to interact with people whom we disagree with, let’s keep our emotions in check. Publicly, let’s hold back on the mocking Facebook posts, the words in all caps, and the sarcastic emojis.
I’ll admit that I’ve made a lot of emotional comments these last four years. I’ve made several mocking Facebook posts this past week, as many of us have. It felt good, but the truth is that those posts are part of the problem. Let’s not let our frustration and pain dictate our ability to be respectful of others.
There are some ideas that we can broadcast publicly, but there are others that we should keep to ourselves, or discuss with others in private. If we want to blow off some steam about politics, we can talk to a friend. If we find a funny but offensive political meme, we can send it to a spouse.
But if we want to regain the world we lost, we will need to keep those offensive, emotional thoughts private, or better yet, dispel them. Let us broadcast compassion, thoughtfulness, and constructive criticism instead.
All of this applies to people of any political affiliation, but this next part is particularly to my fellow Democrats and liberals: As of November 4th, we are in many ways, in the lead. We’ve been upset these past four years, and it feels good to say “I told you so” and to gloat. For some, including myself occasionally, it may feel good to bask in the pain and heartache of others, and to rub their noses in the dirt.
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But those actions are for selfish motives. They aren’t to move our party or country forward. They aren’t to change the minds of others. They aren’t to accomplish our ideological goals.
They are not only unnecessary, but actually counterproductive. We live in a country where policy is decided on by votes. The consensus of the country decides what direction the country takes.
How do we expect to gain a stronger consensus if we are verbally bashing every outsider at every opportunity? How does that increase our numbers? Do we think that a Trump supporter will see our spiteful, bitter Facebook posts and say, “you know what, you’re right. I am an idiot. I should register as a Democrat.”
No. Of course not. So the next time we are tempted to gloat because Biden has been elected, or for any other reason, let’s exercise compassion instead. We are the stewards of this ship now. Let’s welcome people aboard, not laugh at those in the water.
Michelle Obama famously said “when they go low, we go high.” That’s a step in the right direction, but we can do better. “Going high” implies that we are better than our counterparts, looking down from our moral high ground with silent pity. It implies separating ourselves from them.
Instead, let’s show compassion. Not just Democrats to Republicans, but all of us. When someone goes low, let’s show even more love. Let’s be even kinder. Let’s be an even better friend. Let’s insist to stand with that person, side-by-side.
I’m not saying that there is no place for the truth or constructive criticism. We still need to thoroughly and accurately discuss the problems of our time in order to solve them. But the mocking, insulting, and belittling has no place in problem solving. It is the enemy of societal progress. It always has been, and it always will be.
The final rule that Neal Katyal gave was, do not give up. And that rings true too. Just because we turn the cheek and are civil, does not mean that we are pushovers, or that we have surrendered. We can defend and advocate our beliefs while also not insulting the beliefs of others.
But in this context, “do not give up” does not mean that we should be rigid in our views. If no one will change their mind, that is not a sustainable world where arguments are resolved.
Instead, we should be open to new ideas. What we should not give up on is the goal that all Americans share, to improve our nation and our world. To revert to our combative ways would be to give up. To continue to show compassion, even when we are insulted and hurt, would be to endure.
If we really want to reclaim the world of McCain and Obama in 2008, this is our only option. And even more importantly, if we want to retain our civility towards our fellow Americans and human beings, and move forward towards a more peaceful and cohesive future, then this is how it will be done.
Some Final Thoughts on How to Accomplish this:
When engaging with a stranger, imagine that you and the person are already on the same side. On the same team. Forget, for a moment, what political party, religion, or ideology you two disagree on, and just see the person as someone with the same goals as you: to live an honest and peaceful life, to see our nation and the world flourish, and to provide for their family. Now imagine that you two are on a mission to find common ground so that America can move forward as one, like colleagues on a project at work.
At first, you may need to pretend that this is true, and trick yourself into acting accordingly. But eventually we will realize that it actually is true. Then, just imagine the progress that can be made.
Before pressing “send”, always ask yourself: how will this comment make the other person feel? If I were a Trump supporter/Biden supporter/Christian/atheist/etc. like the receiver, how would I interpret this comment? If the other person were my best friend, would this comment jeopardize our relationship?
If anything is offensive or disrespectful, rephrase or omit it.
This point is very important: what we may think is justified rhetoric, can be very offensive to a person with different views. This is where empathy plays a critical role. We must see the comment, and the world, from that person’s perspective, and be near hyper-sensitive in order to navigate his or her triggers and sensitive subjects.
Even belittling an external thing, like that person’s hero, chosen politician, religion, political party, beliefs, or values, will elicit offense. We can constructively analyze and criticize these things without belittling them.
I once heard that if you are truly offended or wronged by someone, such that you feel the need to throw insults, do this: write a message to that person. Don’t hold back. Say everything you need to say, every barb, every insult. When you are done, take one good look at it, and then delete it.
As you look at it, ask yourself if you will truly be better off if you send it. If it is even necessary. And then delete it. Let all of the pettiness and spite leave you with that message, and you will soon realize how silly you were for being so upset and for typing up something so trivial, and oftentimes, so hurtful and undignified.
Over the past few years, I have been extremely upset a handful of times. In some instances, I have written out long and spiteful messages, and then the thought of deleting them would cross my mind. Each time that I deleted those messages, I was so glad that I had.
And now, months or years later, I can confirm that I did not lose anything as a result. Life went on as it would have. But I did gain something. I gained my dignity in those moments, and the ability to refrain. And in some cases, I preserved a relationship that I was on the verge of altering.
Now, as you reread that comment that you are about to send, think of it as a message. Note the presence of any insults or offenses. And then, like deleting a spiteful message, you too can delete those unnecessary sentiments from your comments and feel a weight lifted off of your shoulders. You will then feel a sense of control and satisfaction, knowing that you made an important contribution to a noble cause.
And the next time you see a friend or family member post something insulting towards Trump, or Biden, or anything for that matter, consider who that offends.
I, for one, now cringe at some of the Trump jokes and comedy that I once thought were funny. I think of the pain that it causes in his supporters, and the incremental distance that it adds between us. This is distance that we will have to traverse, sooner or later. With each insult, we are adding more work for ourselves.
There is a trend going around on Twitter, for liberals to copy-paste this comment on Trump and Republican tweets: “I love seeing Trump supporters CRY, it’s my daily medicine, my weekly energy, my monthly inspiration and my yearly motivation. Their loss is the only reason i’m still alive, i was born to love and enjoy the failure that they have achieved.”
At first I thought that was a bit funny, although quite petty. Now, I grimace every time I see it. They aren’t funny to me anymore. They are vengeful, and they hurt our cause. As if winning the election weren’t enough, we pour salt on the wound. Each of these comments is one step closer to conflict, and one step farther from the world that we want to regain.
If you are uncertain as to where the line for insult is acceptable, just make it easier on yourself and draw the line at zero. There is no grey area. Let’s not walk that line. It’s easier for an addict to stop drinking entirely, than it is for him or her to have a beer every once in a while.
Once we refrain from insulting the opposing party or President, we may realize… that we have nothing to do! “What would I post on Facebook then?” we might ask. If that is the case, then that is also sad. Sad that our only source of intrigue and enjoyment is in criticizing and mocking others.
Let’s practice the three rules of winning arguments: make a personal connection, do not be emotional, and do not give up. Let’s continue to discuss the important issues of our time, but respectfully. Let’s engage as best friends would by a campfire. And let’s move forward, together, into the future that we aspire to see.
Edit: If you found this essay to be helpful or insightful, please consider sharing it with your friends and family. Our world is headed towards conflict at an alarming rate, and it is up to us to not only reverse this trend within ourselves, but also within those around us. I am not looking for clout or fame or credit. You can copy-paste this without my name if you’d like. I just ask that this message be sent out to as many people as possible, so that we can move ever closer to a more sustainable and cohesive world. Thank you.
