Suicide…
And yes, you see the stupid title and think what a stupid attention seeker i am. Go ahead, think what you must, these are my thoughts and my thoughts alone.
Please, for the love of god, don’t take it as me saying only I matter as I am writing it from my perspective, it makes it easier for me to share when doing it like this.
I think about suicide daily. More than twice, more than thrice, it has become part of my life for the past few years and it scares me as to how ready I act when I think about it.
I feel daily that I am ready to take my life, because as a suicidal person, you feel like you are bothering everyone with everything. You feel like taking “the easy way out”, because that’s what it is to everyone, right?
“Committing suicide is the easy way out and a way of seeking attention”
To any person that thinks this: I truly hope you can feel as empty or broken as someone who is suicidal one day. I want you to see, hear and feel what it is like to be suicidal. We’ll see how you deal with feeling unwanted, hearing bad things and automatically thinking it is about you and see people looking at you and expecting the worst, we’ll see how much “attention you seek” then.
If you’re someone who thinks it is a way to get attention, wake the fuck up. A dead person does not want attention nor does he need attention. It breaks me that every time someone cries for help they get endless lectures of being told to ‘grow up’ or ‘man up’. Why don’t YOU man up and help a human being in need. You could save a life.
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Being suicidal is not something that just happens, things play back in your mind. Different scenarios. Different people. And no matter what you try to think, you always see it better when you are not in the picture. That is what makes it so damn scary.
I’ve looked for help, in family and in friends, but it seems this is my battle to fight. All you get is the “seek attention elsewhere” look. Which is fine, because it is not something easy to talk about.
My out is music.
Nothing like some good ‘ol music therapy to soothe the soul. Just if you cared.
This is just another rambling post, a place I can rant and a place I can share what I feel. I want to end by elaborating on something: Anyone can fake a smile, anyone can pretend to be happy, it’s easy to put on a mask for the day and die down in the evenings. Yes, everyone is in charge of their own happiness, but sometimes, even you can’t fix something that you already broke far to much.
