two directions
there are days when I wonder why I still feel such a pull.. a part of me wants what is good, steady, and true; another part wants something easier / faster / more comfortable. i thought this tension meant something was wrong with me… maybe I was not spiritual enough. maybe maturity meant the struggle would disappear one day.
the more i read Romans 7 and Galatians 5, the more i realise something very different. the tension is a sign of life.
Paul described it tht there is the flesh, the part of me that .. bends toward pride, escape, indulgence, control. And there is the Spirit, the part of me made alive by God, pulling me toward what is good, humble, wise, and whole. Both exist in the same heart. both speak, both desire, both push. and in between them…… stands me.
Galatians 5:17: “The flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit… they are in conflict with each other.”
knowing this doesn’t remove the struggle but reframes it. the presence of the struggle = Spirit is alive in me. If the Spirit were not there, I would drift with whatever impulse felt strongest. but now whenever I want something that is not good for me, something inside me pushes back. :( whenever the wrong voice gets loud, another voice interrupts. >< there is tension because there is transformation happening underneath the surface.
i used to think victory meant feeling nothing. no temptation. no internal debate. no weakness. now… i’m beginning to see tht victory often looks like choosing differently even when my emotions are uncooperative. sometimes just pausing instead of reacting. sometimes it’s choosing honesty when hiding would be easier. sometimes it’s choosing kindness even when i want to be right. none of this feels glorious but it is growth.
there is a profound disconnect between the desire to do good and the actual inability to do so. the passage states, “for I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do — this I keep on doing”. in Romans 7:14–25, Paul describes an inner conflict that even mature believers face = he delights in God’s law in his inner being yet he sees another law at work in his flesh. this creates a constant struggle between what he wants to do and what he actually does.
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i learn tht the Spirit is not turning me into a perfect person on autopilot. He is shaping me slowly into someone who knows how to listen, how to surrender, how to walk away from what breaks me ˙◠˙, and how to move toward what heals me... He gives strength, but He doesn’t erase my humanity. He guides, but He does not override my will.
everyday i feel the pull between the part of me that wants to protect myself and the part that wants to trust God… both speak. both pull. and strangely, i’m learning to be less afraid of that tension.
the tension i feel inside is not proof that i’m spiritually weak but spiritually alive.. a person who belongs to God will always feel a pull between the flesh and the Spirit. the struggle itself is the evidence that God is working in us.
maybe … this is what growth feels like.
growth is not the disappearance of the tension/silence of all my old desires. growth is learning to choose the Spirit in the middle of it.
:: we are not broken because we struggle. we are growing because we struggle.
Paul’s point in romans 8 that believers don’t fulfill God’s standards by self-effort, determination/ moral resolve but by the transforming power of the Spirit living in them.
something real is being formed and that’s enough for today.
