Dialogues with My Inner Voldemort
It’s true. The biggest enemy we face is always ourselves.
It’s 11 AMon Labour Day Monday, and I’m sitting at the computer trying to write. I need to leave in about 30 minutes, and my mind feels scattered from the negative self-talk, time crunch and depression. Now that the initial adrenaline rush of writing has passed, the conviction that anyone will ever read my writing is starting to fade.
My mind keeps jumping from my current feelings, to things that have happened recently, to things about to happen in the future– all in search of a topic that I can convince myself to write about.
I tell myself to do some other things to get my mind out of this tunnel vision, and to loosen up a bit. I go hang out with people; I cook, eat, clean, go for walks, meditate, but still nothing is coming out of me.
This is when the negative self-talk starts to kick in.
[Begin Scene: Danning’s Inner Thoughts]
Maybe I shouldn’t have started this project in the first place?
Maybe writing’s not my thing after all.
Perhaps I should admit defeat right now and scrap the plan.
Then it starts to get sad
Nothing ever works out for me.
Maybe I should just be happy being an employee. Other people seem to have no problem with it.
And now, the voice grows mocking and sinister
When have you ever been able to accomplish anything on your own?
You’re barely a competent employee. Isn’t it wishful thinking to start a business on your own? Quit dreaming!
And this my friends, is the sound of my inner critic, whom I call “Voldemort”.
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Like the real Voldemort, he is deeply insecure and likes to control everything. He may not be good at building anything, but is an expert at destroying things — much like my mother, whom Voldemort is based off of.
Now that I’m letting Voldemort speak freely, he is refusing to utter a word and instead chooses to lurk around in the corner.
If you are so capable and competent, why don’t you try to write something, Voldemort?
Ok, I must not speak this harshly to Voldemort, for he is a part of me. He is but an unloved child, who does not know how to love.
So, what do you want, Voldemort? Why are you trying to stop me from writing?
[Blank stare, looks down]
Are you scared that if I write well and succeed online, then I will forget about you?
[Still looking down]
Did your own mother also try to stop you from reaching your dreams?
[Briefly looks up]
What dreams did you have when you were a child?
[Stares at the ceiling]
Do you have things you want to write about? Maybe we can write together?
[Briefly look up]
How about this? Everytime I write, I’ll begin with a ‘Voldemort says’ section where you tell me what you want to write, and I’ll build the rest of the section off of that?
[Looks up excitedly, and then looks down].
[End Scene]
Postscript:
I feel so much lighter after unloading all this negative inner dialogue. Hurray!
