I don’t know.
Back when I was in school, I remember having to write essay on general topics, like global warming, importance of exercise and so on. One of the most common ones was about social media & its effects of its usage, and one of the main points about its ill effects was that it would stir up envy and dissatisfaction, mainly because you’re comparing your life with someone else’s. I used to think it was stupid back then, like why the fuck would I do that? Isn’t the point just to share photos and shit, why would I be envious of how you live and whatever you decide to post? But now I feel like the grass always seems greener on the other side. 10 years later, I find myself constantly calculating and comparing, feeling immensely dissatisfied with I don’t know what, to be honest. I am dissatisfied with how things are. I am not content. I don’t know what would make me feel content. I am dissatisfied with where I am. To be honest, I don’t even have the right to complain because I have everything I need. But I constantly want more. I don’t know if it is greed. It probably is. But I don’t want to label myself as a greedy person, because that just makes me sound like I have a flaw. I have flaws, but I am too prideful to put a name to my flaws. I know I should be grateful for what I have, because people have it way harder than me, but I am unable to see the cup as half full. It is half empty. But the cup never seems to be full, even after a lot of pouring. I am insatiable, and it is making me irritable. People say that the present is a gift, but I am unable to ground myself to the present. I find myself bouncing back to the past, and the future.
Get ielin’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
What if I had put more efforts in college, would that have molded a better career and landed me a more prestigious job? But at the same time, I got a first class with distinction in college, and I had the most fun I’ve ever had during my undergraduate years with my friends, and I barely remember attending any classes because a considerable part of it was during COVID. So I wouldn’t trade that period with anything else. But what if I had spent more time working on projects and actually investing time into preparing for my career, or doing something more valuable instead of just frittering away my valuable time playing video games during online classes? If I had lived closer to my college, I could’ve spent more time with my friends, and could have attended events I had missed out on. I wish I actually signed up for more clubs, and went to the drama club audition instead of chickening out. I wish I had taken up that internship opportunity, even though the pay was measly. It could’ve opened up opportunities to meet and work with my classmates. I wish I had bunked classes to attend my friend’s surprise birthday celebration. Why the hell was I anxious over bunking 2 sessions of Theory of Computation classes because of some damn attendance? I wish I went to the weekend badminton sessions with my friends more often instead of being lazy and sleeping in. I am not regretful of my choices. I am not. But there are “What if-s?”, “Could have-s”, and “Should have-s” lingering in my head. And I really don’t like those questions, and how they make me feel. I want to be content with the way things are. But why am I never content? Now that I have completed my Masters in Computer Science, I want to pursue a PhD, though I doubt it would do anything career-wise. I don’t want to be stuck in the computer science field, I want to pursue other domains as well. I want to be a pilot. Don’t you want to know what it feels like to control a machinery in the air? I want to be a surgeon. Don’t you want to know what it feels like to weave and tug a needle into human flesh? I want to work in the Indian Army, just to see if it is as thrilling and adrenaline inducing as they show in movies. I want to be an F1 driver. I don’t have a fucking clue about motorsports, but I loved the thrill of driving my car at 155 km/h and watching exhilarating clips of racers competing. I want to be a national-level sharpshooter, even though I’ve used a .22mm rifle only a handful of times. I want to be an author. I want to go around and travel the world just giving talks & speeches, attending conferences. I want to win The Game Award (please God, I just want to go to Los Angeles and win a damn Game Award), even though only like 6 people have played my games. I want to work at NASA, and be an astronaut, because why the fuck not? I remember looking at the photos published during the Artemis II mission, and being filled with a mixture of awe, ineptitude, and a lack of something I cannot name. There is a lack. A deficiency in my being. I am incomplete, and I don’t think I ever want to be complete. But I don’t like the feeling that I lack something. I don’t want to be labelled as something. I don’t want to be labelled as a staff working at XYZ. I want to be more. I just want more, without any solid reason. There is this hole within my being, and it never seems to be filled. I suspect that the reason for this gaping void is because of my incessant scrolling on Instagram and YouTube. I am pulled and lulled in by this rectangular screen spewing out infinite content. I see people travelling, and accomplishing things, and I’m filled with this question of “Why can’t I do that as well?”. Me and one of my friends think AI is shady as hell, and there is something bigger going on behind the scenes with the way companies are adopting and pushing for AI. Maybe it is a scheme to make humans dumber and docile. I have this same reasoning for social media as well. Of course, social media is engineered to keep you engaged and addicted, but I don’t want to blame the algorithm for my general discontentedness and my lethargy. I am solely responsible. I am afraid I have fallen into the trap of social media, doomscrolling, and incessant comparison. I should have been more mindful of what I consume, and how I decide to spend my time. I am embarrased to say that I am another victim to the mindless consumption of content. I made a quick calculation: 2 hours a day just spending your time on your phone sums up to spending 1 month a year just spending time on your phone. That is scary to think about, especially with the way I can easily get carried away and spend 6–7 hours on my phone doing absolute nonsense. And now here I am lying on the bed writing about my phone addiction instead of doing something actually meaningful. I switch off my phone, and try to distance myself from the virtual world but I am pulled back in, abandoning my tasks and responsibilities in the real world. When will this cycle end? What is the cycle? I don’t know what I should do. I am like a boat, in the middle of an ocean, just drifting away. I don’t know what to do. I am directionless. There are too many stars in the sky, and I don’t know which one I am supposed to follow. Which one is my North Star? Where should I go? I see water everywhere. An endless body of water. What should I do? All I know is, I don’t want to be stuck here. I know there are islands out there, waiting to be explored. But how do I get there? Can I explore all of them? But I don’t know if I have enough resources, or enough time to get wherever I want to be. The only time I’ve truly known contentedness is after I read this book called Found by Love by Rahil Patel. I used to read the Bible everyday, and the peace that washed over me during my quiet time was inexplicable. Perhaps I’ll get more into that some other time. Maybe that could be the reason for my gaping void, but to be honest, I am on a high horse right now and I am too prideful to even acknowledge that I am in the wrong. I am sure there is some verse about being too satisfied with oneself and being proud, that you end up forgetting your Creator. I think there is too much pride in my heart, but I don’t want to admit that. It’s been weeks (months actually) since I read my Bible. The times I do actually read it, I find myself much less restless. The same thing happens when I am engrossed in a book. My mind is less turbulent. I don’t know the reason why. At the same time, I don’t want to be content and satisfied. I try to keep pissing off God and running away from him. I can clearly see it in the decisions I make. Everything is confusing. Perhaps everything is really simple, and I am the one making things more complicated than they have to be. But I really wish I could be more, and do more. I don’t want to be content. It is equivalent to accepting defeat. I am thankful, but not grateful. I could go on and on, continuing to spill my thoughts, but I’ll stop here. It is never enough.
