Butter
Remember when Mario games had paintings you could easily jump inside, well, that’s where we are.
I’ve been in my mind a lot this past week, just trying to adjust mentally.
Sometimes I feel I learn backwards?
I’ve been smiling and dancing on the outside but inside, I’ve been dealing with crazy advancements.
How do I convince myself to become free? Free of status and shiny object syndrome? How do I save my daughter?
Seems like my only option in life right now is to be patient and notice the changes, follow the speed but find alternative routes to my destination.
I know everyone else is going somewhere, I know they are sure I’m smart to follow their example…
But something is telling me, I’m on the right path.
Something is telling me, to keep going.
I think I’m moving very slowly?
I thought the material things I invested in would give me (financial) high ROI, but everything turned into fertilizer. That’s still a great thing.
Today, I’ve tested my tolerance for pain. I needed to, to see how mentally far I’ve come from my previous experience disassociating. Proud to say I’m a lot farther than where I use to be 5 years ago, and my reasons for a high tolerance are healthy.
Kind of like if someone sees you slouching on your couch all day and says “Race Me!” Or “Meet Me On The Court!” and they think they’re about to hustle you but you break their knees in tennis 🎾, swimming, golf, pool, or playing basketball.
I’ve just always been that person that seems like I’m not prepared but for some reason I refuse to lose in any capacity.
Shit, it’s always hard until you master it, and then it’s easy.
Oftentimes, I start with nothing and somehow end up with more than I ever wanted, more than I dreamed of, more than any prayer I could ever say!
Being a mom is a great example of someone trying to hustle me and I refuse to lose. When I say someone, I actually mean THE DEVIL.
Two of the most scariest things to me use to be becoming a mother and becoming a wife! I always thought “EWW! ME?! A MOTHER?! EWW! ME, A WIFE?! YEAH RIGHT!”
Lo and behold, I am indeed a proud and happy mommy. I get tired every now and then but no way would I ever go back and change a thing!
It’s me and my Yoshi all day!
Being a parent is just one of those things. Like when you are a goody two shoes and you try mushrooms for the very first time! You always thought it was of the devil and then BOOM, now you’re a proud hippy and no one can steal your joy or blow your high!
Being a parent is like trying that food you always were afraid of and then realizing it tastes amazing after a few brave bites.
Being a parent is like looking at yourself in the most purest form… like waking up from a bad dream and drinking ice water!
I know being a parent scares a lot of people, I know it does… but I haven’t felt this loved since… well… ‘ever!’
Now, I’m not legally married but I’m open to it!
I had a conversation with myself, how taking the BIGGEST RISK is to enter this new year with ME as my biggest investment!
These times are requiring a lot tougher parenting, more wise counsel and a healthy lifestyle for the fulfillment of the pursuit of happyness!
I use to get frustrated with myself because of the pace of which I learn. I use to look for pleasure to help me compensate for the lack of accountability I needed, which is counterproductive!
I slowly have been taking myself away from my guilty pleasures and I’m still not where I thought I should be! ISN’T THAT ODD?!
I’ve literally done everything by the book and I’m not where I want to be… or I thought I did everything by the book.
I’ve been cheating myself looking for shortcuts and discounts when everything in my life needs to be on high-priority!
It’s not the biggest step in the world but I’m not on my phone as much when I’m around my daughter. I’ve cut down her television time. We’re reading more and having a lot more conversations and play time. I let her cook with me, now! She’s such an amazing cook!
We sing together. She’s exceptional at HARMONIZING! BETTER THAN ME, THAT’S FOR SURE!
We do push-ups together.
We pray together!
I’m trying to eat more together, but so far we drink hot chocolate together.
We brush our teeth together, now! We wash our faces together! We even use the bathroom together!
Sometimes, Yoshi just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks… and she teaches me how to pay attention to her feelings. She teaches me how to be more empathetic. She teaches me what questions to ask when she’s quiet or if she secretly is acting out because she wants attention. She teaches me how to be a great friend and a great mommy!
If there’s one thing I did perfectly in this world, it was choosing to enjoy being Yeshua’s mommy! Best decision I never saw coming!
So yeah, maybe I’m not in the mansion I saw myself in by now… but I’m learning what makes a home is not the square space …
If I never became a mom, I would not know!
Yeah, I’m not as far as I thought I would be as far as learning certain studies, but I’m ‘willing’ to learn! I’m willing to apply! I’m willing to ‘try!’ I’m willing to succeed!
I’m not as popular (this is debatable) as I want to be, but I know the greater value on PRIVACY and boundaries!
If I became “Oprah Winfrey popular” WITHOUT knowing proper privacy rules and proper boundaries, that would be a scary life! Oprah says herself “You can’t have friends that are jealous of you!”
And yes, I want to be highly popular not for popularity sake but for the sake of being resourceful and safe.
I like butter, it’s not margarine — it’s real food.
I like buttery pancakes & french toast! I could pretend I’m better than everyone else because I am anti-margarine or I can continue using butter in moderation, in my own eating space!
I like interacting with real people. People who like having fun, listening to one another, building trust, helping one another grow, sharing jokes!
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I could make fun of people who have a hard time having common sense but I rather just focus on people who love the art of love!
Paradigm shift — it’s not about changing where I am or why I’m here, it’s about enjoying the moment.
I love being a mom. I want to be the best mom ‘TODAY’, but I’m a work in progress! I’m patient with myself, by the time my daughter is 10 years old — I’ll be a professional parent!
By the time my daughter is 10 years old, this year — the people who have come and gone, probably won’t even be a thought!
By the time my daughter is 10 years old, I would like to think I would have figured out what I’ve been trying to free myself from these past few years.
It’s about enjoying the butter, savoring the moment.
I don’t care who eats what, I only focus on how the butter enhances the flavor of each plate I am served.
Maybe this is all random, maybe it is from your perspective.
Honestly, I’ve been figuring out these puzzles in my head and I think a billion thoughts per second and only one or two words may come out… not B even guaranteeing those two words will make sense.
I’m just trying …
I don’t know what else to say.
You ever catch someone staring at you? And you know that person cannot offer you anything but a headache? And you ask them to kindly leave you alone? You tell them your boundaries but they stare at you as if your boundaries are not more important than their feelings for you?
No one wants that type of energy — not me, at least.
Crazy how one day you could think everything is perfect and the next day your entire world teaches you that YOU messed up!
I dream of a better life and I think I’m just trying to figure out what that means for my daughter and I.
I have an idea, you know? The regular… house, husband, kids, animals, pool, laundry room, family vacations, smiles, photographs around the house, celebrated holidays and matching outfits, caroling, going to minister around the world/community service/ charity…
But what if the “better life” is not to think about the future?!
What if the “better life” is to make the most out of NOW?!
I think this is where I am in my chapter of life.
Maybe you’ve passed me? Maybe you’ve not read this chapter yet? Maybe we’re reading the same chapter?
Whoever you are, I wish you a ton of kids! I wish you a happy marriage! I wish you lots of JOY because you deserve it!
Whoever you may be today, I wish you ROMANCE.
Not a day is promised, so I wish you lots of romance.
Especially women like me and men who like women like me (don’t ask me how to describe myself)!
But a woman like me… hmm 🤔… I think I’m special! I think I’m funny! I think I’m great at silently dancing! I think I genuinely am trustworthy! I’m a great mom! I’m a spectacular friend!
But I’ve been looking for romance everywhere but within myself. I’ve been watching homosexual movies to try and help me out… guy on guy stuff. The lesbians aren’t romantic ENOUGH for me.
Bro, I watched the most amazing movies about gay romance and I’m just amazed this exists!
If homosexuals can have romance, surely someone like me can have romance by myself!
Clearly, I still need a lot of help but I JUST got the hang of this motherhood thing.
I’m still in need of a vacation. . .
Very much so . . . Words cannot even explain.
Thanksgiving is approaching.
I have no idea how I’m going to pull off how to be thankful to ABBA but . . .
Idk.
No idea what I’m doing, if I’m actually cooking, who’s invited to eat, am I going out, am I selling plates, am I staying home to SLEEP?!
This week, I saw a big ass bear 🐻 at the store. It was a bear similar to the one I have on my bucket list EXCEPT the bear on my bucket list is like a money tree! I can’t just buy a bear for myself, it’s not how bears work!!!!!
I’m trusting GOD through all these feelings.
Sometimes I think so much, it scares me.
Ever had thoughts that you knew you had no reason to fear but you did?
I’m in the process of tricking myself out of my own fears.
Surprisingly, this is not an overnight or “microwaveable” story.
It’s one of those stories like when you first get to college and those senior and Junior men try to flirt with you, but you love being on the Dean’s list MORE than you love attention from random strangers.
Clearly you gotta stand out to be on anyone’s list.
Who’s on Shimdler’s list?!
WHO AMONG US IS SAFE TO ‘LAUGH’ AT A JOKE?!
I may seem serious but I’m telling jokes in my head 24/7.
Even when I’m mad, I always tell jokes. I kinda laugh to myself and I never regret that.
I never regret who I am or the speed I learn.
It’s just frustrating, you know?
