Me & Me
Nope, this article is not from two different people. It comes from one single person, me myself. Alright, actually I’ve kept this thought long ago but after 22 years I feel like I want to share what I’ve been feeling all this time.
Started when I was in 1st elementary school. At that time in my house, I was sitting while watching my mother fold the clothes. In the middle of it, I dont have an idea and suddenly I touch my ears. Then I covered my ears so I couldn’t hear any voice. I opened my right ear and covered my left ear, still normal, then opened my left ear and covered my right ear. There’s something wrong. I felt something strange with my hearing. Then innocently I ask mama,
“Ma, why can’t my left ear hear any voice around?”
That question started everything about self-acceptance in my life until now. After that question, I was immediately taken to the nearest ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) doctor specialist. Doctor said there’s no problem, it’s just full of earwax. After that, my left ear still can’t hear the sound normally. But I still live a normal life.
Denial
Jump to 1st grade junior high school suddenly my mama talks about my ears again after 6 years. Long story short, I was taken to the ENT specialist in Surabaya and the result was “wow”. Doctor said, my left ear’s hearing ability is not perfect so I can’t hear normally (it’s actually able to hear sounds, but in a super-little small way). While my right ear’s hearing ability is perfect, unfortunately the eardrum is damaged because I have been scratching my ear since I was child (such a stupid indeed, haha).
Those results made me sentenced to no longer swim forever and when taking a shower I had to wear earplugs to prevent water from entering. I was also sentenced to use a hearing aid so that my hearing ability remains optimal. I was also not allowed to drink drinks that make coughs and colds because it will affect my hearing. I was also not allowed to listen to music or very loud sounds so as not to aggravate my hearing.
Yep, a junior high school boy sentenced with many problems with his hearing is an annoying thing in my life. And even more annoying is that when I was in middle school, I was a guitarist in a band who often listened to loud music and played rock.
Lucky me, the doctor can understand my ego. So she made special earmuffs for band players. The earmuffs function is to dampen the sound but not completely, so the music will still be heard by me. Meanwhile, the hearing aid is attached to my left ear, so it looks like I’m a band player who wears various instruments in his ear (later I realized that it is the most important thing to protect the hearing of every band player).
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Unconsciously, the doctor’s verdict made me not accept my own shortcomings. Because in my opinion, awesome band players are those who don’t wear any devices in their ears. Also from that point I feel unconfident if I have to wear hearing aids. So I became stubborn. I always bring my hearing aid but I never wear it every time I go to school or play music in my band. On the other hand, I don’t think this hearing aid helps enough because I still feel like I don’t hear optimally. So it’s normal for me to be stubborn right?
Jump to senior high school, I used to be more stubborn. It feels like for 3 years just once in a while I wear hearing aids in every activity. It can even be counted by fingers, because it is almost never used. Entering college, I started to wear this hearing aid again. But with low intensity, it can be counted by fingers too.
For your information, I always answer “it’s a handsfree. now playing Seize The Day by A7X” whenever my friends ask me what devices are put into my left ear. You can see how insecure I am with that answer, right?
Accept It All
Everything changed when I was in the 9th semester. At that time I watched the Hawkeye series, one of marvel heroes who after the Endgame movie was told that he lost hearing in his left ear. At the end, Hawkeye wears hearing aids in every act he does. Knowing that fact, my childish soul is turbulent. I think that’s cool, there’s a hero who wears hearing aids like me (the campaign was successful for people like me indeed).
I took and opened my hearing aid in the corner of my room. I clean it up from dust and mildew, put the battery on and wear it. For a moment it feels like repeating the time from kindergarten-elementary-junior-senior high school until now. I realized that after all this time I just can not accept myself and reality that I have hearing problems.
Since then I have decided to forgive and accept myself that this is what I am. A boy who was born with hearing problems in his left ear. Also from that point I realized that with my shortcomings, I actually have the advantage of being able to make music that requires more listening skills. While in my social life, my friends always said that I am a good listener. It also requires more listening skills right? Haha.
I wonder, what would happen if I could accept the shortcomings since I was child? Can I be any better? Can I be a good band player? Or is my hearing actually getting better? I don’t know the answers. But clearly I am grateful for the shortcomings that I have.
If allowed, I want to thank the little me who innocently asked mama about my left ear. Because if it doesn’t seem like I will never know the reason why my left ear can’t hear. I also will never know the feeling of having normal hearing in both ears (I still don’t know until now, but thanks to hearing aids I know quite a bit).
Aaand here I am, a boy with imperfect hearing ability. Oh! If you ask me, am I still in the band? The answer is no! Haha, it’s a little cliche but I still listen to music and often play guitar in my free time (if you want to swap spotify playlist, just contact me directly, hehe).
Funny thing is after I try to accept myself, it turns out that my friends actually bully me about my hearing ability, my appearance when using hearing aids, and many other things related to my ears. Offended? Ya, of course! Then what do I do? Simple, I bully them back. Both hurt and end up laughing together. How can it be like that? Because I live in a circle that never takes a problem to heart. So if you want to bully me, be prepared to be hurt because my bullying will be much more painful. But I hope you end up laughing together with me.
