Is being known a right or a privilege?
I’ve never been hidden in my relationships. Even when I was young and it was just a “mutual understanding,” which was very popular back then, my presence was always acknowledged by my partner’s family. That kind of relationship eventually lasted for one year and eight months.
Then I had a boyfriend who suffered from middle-child syndrome. He was often left out by his family, and his presence was frequently overlooked. His mother’s favorite was the eldest, his father had died, and his stepfather, of course, favored his own daughters. However, despite these circumstances, his mother accepted me wholeheartedly. We even had conversations after her son and I broke up.
Then I met someone, my best friend’s cousin. We were in a long-distance relationship, yet even so, his mother recognized the positive effects I had on her son. Apparently, according to my best friend, his mother liked me the most. But life isn’t a fairy tale. Of course, there were circumstances that drove us apart and eventually led to us parting ways.
I knew that despite my timid and shy personality, my genuineness toward other people’s sons still shone through. I actually think they accepted me because my intentions were pure. I never intended for my partner to drift away from his family or choose me over them in any way.
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So it was strange when I finally found myself in this once-in-a-lifetime healthy relationship yet I was being hidden from his family. Invitations from his sister were declined without my knowledge. It hurt, so I brought it up. Because how can you say you want to build a family with someone while isolating her from your current one? How can you maintain two separate families? Then he explained what his former partner went through with his family. He helped me understand things. As cliché as it sounds, communication really played a vital role in this situation. I understood where he was coming from. Trust me, I do. I don’t want to make him feel as tormented as he was back then.
Sometimes, however, I can’t help but wonder: is our situation still the same? Your mother knew I was coming to your house almost every Saturday before I got a job. Your family knew about the places we went together. Sure, you’re not denying me. You’re posting about us on social media, and your whole family sees it. Yes, they are aware of me. But when do I finally get the chance to stop living in the shadow of your former partner? I know your mother still favors your ex, but am I not allowed the opportunity to prove myself worthy? Why am I being deprived of that chance? Why am I never asked whether I want to attend these occasions or not? Because sheltering me is not a way to make everything right. You can’t replace something simply by waiting for it to disappear. You address it. You work through it. You build upon it. And I hope I get the chance to do that. Even things that are written down can’t be erased just by waiting for them to fade. You revise them. You write over them. You add new chapters to them. And I don’t even want to erase her from your past. She’s a part of your story. But I also want the chance to be known personally. I want the opportunity to carve my own place in your family’s hearts because I know how much you love them. So why can’t you share the right to decide for us? The same right you once gave her, and the same right she willingly chose to exercise.
I am fully aware of the consequences. I’m not some random high school girl who can’t handle herself. Heck, I’ve already passed the board exam. I’ve spoken to different people throughout my internship and at work. So why can’t you allow me to stand up for myself, and for us? I am capable of sharing these decisions because we are in a relationship. We are together.
I tried doing it for you. I opened the doors to my relatives and gave you the opportunity to prove yourself and be accepted by them. And of course, you’re aware that it isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. There are judgments and criticisms, naturally, but you willingly stepped into that situation.
And it was a decision we made together.
Why can’t I have that same privilege?
