Single Mom Mentality
Stop Glorifying “Self-Named Single Moms”
No, this is not a rant. Trust me.
My intention is to offer a different perspective on this subject and invite you to reflect on some questions that I am going to ask.
We are living in an era where the differences between men and women seem to be growing, and the discussions around women’s inclusion, rights, patriarchy, and gender dynamics are becoming increasingly intense.
I am against victim mentality and “survival” badges. I strongly dislike manipulative behavior in humans, whether it is conscious or unconscious.
And one topic that has bothered me significantly since the arrival of social media is how much importance we give to marital and relationship status.
We put so much weight on being “single,” “married,” “divorced,” or in a relationship — as if these labels define who we truly are and how we truly feel.
I understand why we use them. We are human beings trying to connect. Labels help us communicate quickly, define roles and responsabilities and limits , too. There is nothing wrong with that.
I have my own rules, standards, values, and perspectives on controversial topics.
From my point of view, the label “single mom” is one that should be approached with caution. It is different from other labels because it involves innocent little humans: children.
I am not trying to convince you that my perspective is the only correct one. My goal is to question a status quo that we often accept without examining deeply.
So, let’s start from the beginning.
The Power of Words
The power of words is immense.
Words transmit emotions, ideas, and assumptions.
Think about the word “single.”
What comes to your mind when someone publicly announces, through their profile or their speech, that they are “single”?
For me, and for many people, “single” communicates:
“I am available.”
“Married” or “in a relationship” communicates:
“You can look, but you cannot touch. I am not on the market.”
“Widowed” transmits a sense of loss and pain.
“President” should transmit respect and authority.
Words matter because they create an immediate perception in our minds.
And this is where my concern with the label “single mom” begins.
Most of the time, when people use the term “single mom,” the implication is that the father is absent, uninvolved, or that the mother is carrying the entire responsibility of raising the children alone.
But is that always true?
And if it is not true, what message are we sending?
From my perspective, in many cases, this label can unintentionally dishonor the father of those children.
Because in many situations, the father is present. He contributes financially. He spends time with his children. He is involved.
The reality may simply be that the relationship between the parents ended.
You may not love him anymore. You may not want to be with him anymore. You may have valid reasons for ending the relationship.
But does that mean his role as a father disappears?
Does that benefit your children?
The question is not about your children. It is about how you perceive the situation.
So we need to ask a bigger question:
Why are you choosing to use this label?
Why “single mom”?
Is it because you want to communicate that you are available and that you have children?
If that is the case, why not simply use “divorced” or “mother”?
Or is there something deeper behind the label?
Are you using it as a badge of honor?
As an identity?
As a way to communicate struggle, sacrifice, or victimization?
I believe the answer is more complex than that.
This is my story
I am divorced. Been for more than a decade.
All divorces are an ugly deal. All of them.
In my case, it was infidelity.
And yes, at the beginning, you may say that it was the main cause. But in reality, it was not.
It took me a little while to accept and realize my part of the blame.
I felt betrayed. I felt hate, despair, and all the ugliest human feelings that you can imagine.
All of them.
But every single failure in a relationship, it does not matter the cause, involves two people.
Healthy ones and highly dysfunctional ones.
You need two to tango.
Accepting that, accepting your own involvement, is part of growth and maturity. It is part of becoming resilient.
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And it is a key element in not becoming BITTER.
Because if we, as humans and adults, completely discard our involvement and responsibility in the failure of a relationship, that is the example we are setting for our children.
We are teaching them to blame someone else for our own mistakes.
Unfortunately, in many cases, we use our children as pawns for our pain.
And here comes my perspective on HUMAN AND CHILDREN’S RIGHTS.
It does not matter the cause of divorce: infidelity, money, incompatibility.
NO ONE should prevent a father (or mother) from spending time and being involved in their children’s lives.
Unless that person is a threat to them.
Meaning they are mentally unstable, involved with drugs, or involved in illegal behavior.
Even if you are bankrupt and cannot pay alimony, you should still have the right to visit and spend time with your children.
Being poor should not be a reason to separate you from them.
Because it causes more harm than good.
If your ex stopped loving you, betrayed you, lied to you, or broke a promise, that does not have anything to do with your children.
That is between the two of you.
Even when it is not honorable.
That is for your children to judge when they grow older. They will ask their father or mother for answers, and that relationship is between them.
Children pay a high price when we use them as pawns.
A mother should not be allowed to play, negotiate, or condition the father’s involvement in his children’s lives because of her own pain.
And the same applies the other way around.
As mothers, one phrase that we love to use, and that has become a cliché, is:
“A mother would do anything for her children.”
Well, if that is true, then getting along with their father should be your number one priority for the sake of their wellbeing.
If you use that label as a badge of honor, of victimization, you carry it all the time.
In your love life.
In your business decisions.
In your view of the world.
You are manipulating the world, trying to convey sympathy for how “hard it is to raise a child alone,” when that is not the case.
That is far from healthy.
Condemning a man because he doesn't love you anymore, and making him pay for that by denying his involvement in his children’s lives, is not healthy, mature, or caring for your children.
Very few men willingly abandon their children.
Divorce is difficult.
And it will be difficult for your kids.
But difficult is different than traumatic.
Life will present your children with many difficult moments.
We, as parents, are the ones who create trauma when we involve, use, manipulate, and play with our children’s feelings and get between them and their dad or mom.
The quality of the relationship that you are going to have with a woman or a man who has children is exactly proportional to their point of view about their ex.
How someone talks about their exes and the father or mother of their children will show the level of maturity they bring into their relationships.
(Well, this applies to any human, with or without children.)
So be very careful with labels and with how someone expresses themselves about their past partners.
Now, let me close the topic with this.
My message to men.
There are many stats that show that “children raised by single mothers are more likely to fare worse on a number of dimensions, including their school achievement, their social and emotional development, their health, and their success in the labor market”.
Boys tend to be more rebellious or externalize bad behavior.
Girls tend to have more relational problems or internalized bad behavior.”
Yet, there are other stats that say:
“Children raised by one biological parent are generally just as happy as children raised by two. A sole parent can provide the required secure emotional base, clear boundaries, love, and warmth that children need for healthy standard development. Children can thrive with one loving role model.”
There are tons of theories.
But the most important one, in my opinion, is that the MENTAL STATE OF THE MOM (in single moms) IS KEY TO THE WELLBEING OF THE CHILD.
And for me, that is HUGE.
If you cannot overcome the bitterness, the hate, the conflict, and the resentment, it will terribly affect your children and can traumatize them.
That is why I always question the motives of a woman using the label “SINGLE MOM.”
And that is why I URGE MEN to fight for their rights, to stay involved in their children’s lives, and to fight for them.
Be the source of love, stability, and maturity that your kid needs from both of you.
BE THERE FOR THEM.
Be the one who creates peace, not chaos, if the other part is not willing to do it.
“Stay Curious” Ilya.
