Where Are You Christmas?
It will be dark soon and I watch my sheep as they nibble at the sparse splinters of grass, savoring the refreshing sweetness so abundant in the spring. As I watch, a long-gone whimsical scene briefly passes through my mind and the pastures are once again filled with a large flock including dear little lambs. I can still hear moms calling their little ones to them as evening drew near, the sweet little lamb tails wagging as they nurse. So many — too many — have gone, left my flock with a hole unable to be filled by another and a sad somberness seeps into my weary bones.
It’s Christmas Eve and I’m having a hard time finding and feeling Christmas. I have struggled with finding Christmas ever since my son left me behind to go to Heaven. Over the years, each subsequent loss — each hole left from those I’ve lost in my life — has made finding Christmas even harder and somewhat almost unnecessary. If I’m being honest, instead of being joyful and hopeful I feel sad and melancholy, sometimes feeling guilty for even feeling that way. And I ask myself, why does life have to be so very, very hard sometimes?
But when I think of the Christmas story and the interminably long and arduous trek Joseph and Mary took to deliver the baby Jesus, I realize their journey both before He arrived and after was certainly not an easy one. I am sure there were times they felt anything but joyful or hopeful or certain about their future because like me, they were human. Like me, they were discouraged. Like me, they may have even asked “why” only to get a not good enough answer or one that even began to make sense to them.
I call my aged, dwindling flock in from the larger pasture and whisper to myself, “Where are you Christmas?” As my beloved sheep pass by me to go to the barn I hear my Good Shepherd whisper to my heart, “This, this is Christmas. Christmas is not just one day; it’s in every day.”
The hope — the joy — of Christmas is in the snowcapped hills after a freshly fallen snow, the call of a ewe to her lambs, the hug of a friend or loved one — the everyday ordinary things that give us hope and encouragement and strength to go on when we don’t think we can. When we think we will never find Christmas again.
Get Jackie Deems’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
All those years ago in Bethlehem hope was born, a forever hope for all of us from the most lowly to the most royal. From His first cry to His last on earth, He came to give us hope in a forever future with Him. And no matter where we are in life — if we are in His beloved flock — we can have hope and joy and encouragement not just for today but for eternity.
“Where are you Christmas?” You’re right here in my heart.
Jackie Deems copyright 2024
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.
An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.
But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.
Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.
Luke 2: 8–11
