Recognizing the point of change
This time feels different. I think I’ve finally had enough.
There comes in point in time, if one is fortunate enough, that the pain of staying the same truly does outweigh the pain of changing.
I have skirted around this line for most of my adult life. That’s not to say that I haven’t taken steps closer to it or even explored some moments of jumping back and forth across it, like double dutch. But I’ve never truly made the big change that I know I need to make to step into a new version of my own existence, which I so desperately want. It’s likely because I recognize that it requires giving up the things that I know don’t serve me, and accepting the fact that they actively interfere with my path in the other direction, the path I know I want to travel.
For years I’ve pondered why that decision would be so hard. And who knows, maybe it’s actually much easier than I’m imagining it to be. All this running over the potential of a little suffering…it’s pretty ridiculous. To want a life that looks so beautiful in your mind’s eye but to not be able to wade through a little rough water to get there. How long have I tried to work this out in my head and my actions?
But this time it feels different. I think I’ve truly finally had enough.
What used to feel like a secret calling to “be more” and to step out into a journey that is somehow both completely unknown and familiar at the same time, now feels like a God-anointed mission. I have guilt for not walking this walk that I know is meant for me. Every day now that I ignore it, I feel the pain of missed opportunity and shirked responsibility. I think this is what they mean when they talk about the pain of staying the same.
But I do know it will take some pain to get me there. I have to be ready to face that and walk through it. Not freak out and numb it or seek relief in some self-destructive way, but let it come, and then let it go. And keep getting better at doing that, over and over again.
Is this what we’re here on earth to learn?
They say that your life will start changing when you become that new person on the inside. You don’t have to force the exterior shift; you just sink into the renewing of your mind and spirit into a new identity, and your experience in the world will shift to reflect those new expectations. This is where the hard work really comes in: control of the mind. Or rather, not letting the mind take control of the body.
Get Jane M. Elliot’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
For me, my weakness is negative thinking. I somehow have the combination of thought patterns of both childlike wonder and optimism, looking for miracles every day, and this heavy-heartedness that believes that sadness and depression is a comfort state. I don’t have a mental diagnosis; I am just a human trying to survive in that balance between light and darkness, good and evil, morning and night. You could spend your whole life trying to get comfortable there.
“Let me leave the part of me behind that only wants to grieve.”
— Snow Patrol, The Beginning
But I am ready to expand. I’m ready to find comfort in all of the beautiful things that God has given to us for feeling good. Sunshine, meditation, the sounds of nature, fresh fruit, movement, community, sweating, lovemaking, my cat purring on my chest. Writing these words right now even feels like a gift from God.
My path to this state of recognition has been too long, and I hate that. But I also believe in God’s perfect timing, so I have to acknowledge that I must have needed preparation for what comes next.
Getting to this place where I not only believe that anything is possible (I have always believed that), but also am open and surrendered enough to take on a new identity, a new purpose, a new walk, without any feelings of I’m not good enough, I’m not ready, I’m scared…it kind of blows me away to think about all of the dancing around the line that I had to do to get to this point.
I started out this journey living in a constant state of disassociation, acting like an animal trying to keep itself safe, and running away from anything or anyone that wanted to take off my armor and have an honest look at what was going on underneath. The process of walking out of that state and finding a new one has been long and probably more complex than it needed to be. But now I’m finally open, willing to receive whatever undefined adventure God has for me next. Receive it and embrace it.
A few years ago, in a state of despair at the trajectory of my life, I searched for ways to reframe my history in my brain in a way that would allow me to stop reliving it mentally and finally get some relief from the pain of that. I told myself that I wanted to be so pleased with the current state of my life, that I was just grateful for everything that had come before it because it led me to that place.
That is still my goal, and though I have been moving closer to that happy place, I am not there yet, but I finally see clearly the exact mountain that is standing in my way. This is what I must climb now to get to the other side.
And so I just wanted to say that I’m ready. Finally. Bring on the pain, bring on the joy. Let me find myself with sure footing, striking a new balance, there on the peak.
Some things just need to be said out loud. Thank you for listening.
