Helpful Useless Facts
I love learning about the groups I’m speaking to, so in addition to going on tours of businesses, I learn facts about them. . .
Did you know
there’s a whole industry revolving around tearing down old airplanes? How do you tear down a plane? Fly a bunch of cranky 3-year-olds around for a couple of hours until they kick in all the seats???
I get to learn a lot of weird (some might call it useless) information about all sorts of industries that I’ll never work in but I get to speak in. All this learning is great because it makes my job more interesting AND “they” tell us that our brains will turn to Jell-O if we don’t keep working ’em. Oh, and also, some of the stuff I learn IS useful . . . sort of.
For example,
if you were thinking of running a vending business, the soda and snack vending machines that make the most money are located in prisons. OF COURSE prisoners have money. They don’t have to pay for cable TV and health insurance! If you find yourself in jail, make sure you get arrested in Kansas because you might just get to train a seeing-eye dog if you land in the Topeka women’s prison, where they have a seeing-eye dog training program (sorry, guys). The prisoners probably teach the dogs all sorts of useful things, like how to sit, roll over . . . and fetch the guard’s keys.
People in trouble with the law can still be successful.
The real John Deere moved from the East to Illinois to start his farm equipment company because he owed the government some money. Hey, if you’re running from the law, don’t you think you’d invent something faster than a tractor??
And if you’re throwing a party this year and run out of booze, go
ahead and tap into your gas tank. They’re now making fuel out of corn liquor . . . I’m not sure if it’s really drinkable, but it will get your guests to leave on time. You might also notice that your gas smells faintly like McDonald’s. That’s because they’re also making gas out of French fry grease! Yep, we’re putting French fry grease into cars . . . and you thought the SUVs were big now. Just wait until we start feeding ’em that!
Okay, that’s not fair.
We blame our bad health on fast food, and yes, Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonald’s, actually did have diabetes. But the weird thing is, he had it BEFORE he invented the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
So stay healthy and stay out of the hospital because patient stays are getting shorter and shorter. In fact, nurses who work in maternity wards say a big problem is that new moms aren’t in the hospital long enough to learn how to properly breastfeed. Tell me about it . . . the women usually don’t get the hang of it until they’re sitting next to me on an airplane!
If you go to a new hospital, though,
architects are designing them so that the patient’s window faces a garden because they say it helps the patient get well faster. Hey, if you want the patient to get well faster, why don’t they make the window face a cemetery?
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But make sure you pay your hospital bill because there are collection agencies for hospitals. How’s that work? If you don’t pay up, we’ll break your legs . . . again.
Hospital stays can rack up debt, which means you might contact a credit counseling agency, where the average credit card debt is $38,000. So “revolving credit” is the real reason why my toaster cost $500.
Of course, the only thing more expensive than a $500 toaster is a parking ticket. A good meter maid can write 900 tickets in one month. And by the way, they HATE the title “meter maid.” They prefer “parking citation officer.” So don’t call ’em a meter maid . . . unless you’ve already gotten the ticket and you want to give ’em one parting shot!
To pay for that ticket,
you can make some money selling cookware, especially if you sell those specialty cake pans shaped like footballs, basketballs, and soccer balls. That’s where the BIG money is because kids like eating cake in the shape of all the stuff . . . that they should be doing besides eating cake.
And when it comes to eating, remember,
if your cereal tastes funny, it might be because wood IS actually used in many food products, including cereals and imitation bacon. Finally, the ingredients of Grape-Nuts are revealed! And speaking of wood, part of wood is called “cellulose” . . . of course, I always thought having “cellulite” was the reason I don’t wear a bathing suit.
You say you’re more of a meat eater? Well, you can thank the leafcutter bees for our beef. They’re the ones who pollinate the alfalfa that feeds the cows that give us our steaks. I’m guessing the alfalfa bees don’t do it because they’re too busy cutting leaves. No?
Speaking of leaves and yard work,
are you tired of raking leaves and cutting grass? Well then, plant some centipede grass. That’s the stuff that’s on the median strip on the highways, and it grows slower than other grass.
Now, if you like these facts and figures, go ahead and mail this newsletter to someone, but just be warned that the postal worker you hand it to might be a PMR. That’s a Postmaster Relief person. These are temporary workers for the post office who get paid but don’t get medical or dental benefits. I’m guessing you can tell who they are because they have really bad teeth.
Learning all of this cool information makes my job a blast AND it could even be lifesaving. Remember, if you live near a nuclear reactor, the valve on that thing only lasts 30 years!
Jan McInnis is a Keynote Speaker, Comedian, Comedy Writer, and Master of Ceremonies. She has written for Jay Leno’s Tonight Show monologue as well as many other people, places, and groups — radio, TV, syndicated cartoon strips, and even guests on the Jerry Springer show (her parents are proud). For 20+ years she’s traveled country as a keynote speaker and comedian sharing her unique and practical tips on what business leaders can learn from comedians (no, it’s not all about telling jokes).
She can be reached at www.TheWorkLady.com, or Jan@TheWorkLady.com She’s also a GREAT Master of Ceremonies. Click here for her emcee site
Some of the stories in this newsletter are taken from Jan’s popular book:
Convention Comedian: Stories and Wisdom From Two Decades of Chicken Dinners and Comedy Clubs.
