About postponing
I've been thinking for years now how I should keep practicing my english in some way but never really done anything about it.
I guess it is better to do anything than search for the optimal way to do it. So I'll try writing something here once in a while.
Besides my english practice, my arts, my health and basically any idea i have get trapped in this postponing limbo. It's like nothing moves in my life despites the feeling i have of infinite potential behind every idea.
It's like I think every single one of this thoughts has potential for greatness, but somehow i'm so stuck doing the same thing over and over and so used to it that i fear any little change.
Of course the feeling of great potential in every possibility is just a mix of the madness inside my brain and multiple years of expectations that others had in me in my childhood. This and the last sliver of my self esteem that survives somewhere deep inside me.
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Maybe the reason for me to postpone everything is just to keep this tiny flame alive somehow.
If confronted with the reality of hardship and failure, probably the flame will go out and I'll just face the mediocrity and incompetence that fills everything else in me as an absolute reality.
On the other hand. If I don’t try doing anything how will I know? I've been just miserable lately and, maybe, for this reason I might as well test my luck a little even if it all is just to strike the final blow and just kill my self esteem altogether.
I'd really like to end this text with some hope. Something to peek my head out of this agony, breathe some fresh air and look beyond my dispair so I'll try.
I'm really trying to do something. I feel that even if it is not perfect, or even great, I'm practicing.
Let's hope for the best.
