Ranting
Growing up as a child, I never fantasize forming a family of my own. You may ask, have I experience any domestic trauma? Nope. I have fairly normal family and I believe I did grow up pretty fine. In Asian culture, it’s not a common thing to see parents acting very warmly or cuddly in front of the children. Once, I even thought maybe my parents didn’t marry for love, but for conformity or convenience. I never saw my parents hugging each other and least to mention kiss each other. I don’t consider myself as very affectionate growing up, rather cold. I had been to funerals and I would be like, why are they so sad? Don’t people die? What’s the big deal?
As I reach adolescence, I was seen as friendly, outgoing and very chatty by many, but deeply I know, I never own much friends. It was always easier for me to make friends with boys because most girl’s topics were so boring to me. I had my first boyfriend when I was seventeen. I met him in a youth group from the church. He was funny and we both shared same sarcastic quality. We started to email each other, yes those old times, and I remembered coming home from school, the first thing was to check email and to see if he was online (MSN messenger). We would set a specific time so we both could be online to chat. In those times, we didn’t have free calls, so it was not possible to spend too much time on the phone.
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Comparing to the present time, most of our phones have data for internet, nearly every household has internet installation. Communication has been so easily accessible and abused. Due to its immediate gratification, people don’t seem to appreciate calls as much as before, or they abuse the system way more that before. Before smartphone existed, no one would be frustrated over phone calls or texts. Nowadays, major issues have arisen with the smartphones where couples are now with increased insecure feelings, checking each other’s phones, less trust in relationship, overthinking of the situation. Smartphones have given immediate satisfaction when you miss a person, but at the same time they took away the expectation and feeling of missing someone.
Delayed gratification is something we should take into consideration as it offers a much better foundation to profound and meaningful feelings than just having shallow affection. When desires are fulfilled easily and immediately, the satisfaction felt will be so different compared to one who actually works hard and earns the outcome. Human beings are warriors. We never had sedentary life and was never given the life as it is. We work hard towards our goal and we fight every tide against us to achieve the end result. We get hurt, we get up, we try again until we are close to what we intend to have, and when we get the end result; that feeling of accomplishment is beyond word’s description. It feels fucking excellent!
I guess it’s fair to compare this theory to relationship. We meet people who fall in love with us and we feel nothing towards them. We meet people who we find them attractive but they want nothing to do with us. Some people conform to be loved, some people love to be loved, some people enjoyed loving others even it’s one way street. I enjoy conquer! I may not be the prettiest girl, but many have been attracted to my unique character and personality. When someone starts to be fond of me, I always want to know the reason why. An ex boyfriend told me, there’s no reason! Nope, there always is! When you find someone attractive, there’s always something that caught your eye at the first! It can be the physical appearance, personality, character, artistic talent, or many others, but there has to be something!
I always enjoy exploring another human mind, and especially the one who keeps resisting your kindness. I don’t think love is a game, but indeed it pumps up sufficient adrenaline when you know it’s game on. Before any relationship established, there’s always a tug of war of emotional investment. Who’s giving more? Until one day we decide to mature, probably we can kick the pride away and say what we really feel, but that day seems so far away. Deeply, we just want attention infinitely, throw tantrum and let the other does the job and be the child we have inside hidden all this time.
