ARCHER — “When in Bruges”
FADE IN:
INT. ABANDONED APARTMENT — DAY
A sparsely furnished apartment with a ticking time bomb sitting on a coffee table. LANA KANE crouches over the device, carefully examining colored wires with a pair of wire cutters. STERLING ARCHER stands nearby, seemingly oblivious to the gravity of the situation, casually leaning against a wall.
ARCHER: I’m just saying “When in Bruges” is a stupid name for a spy movie.
LANA: Is it a spy movie?
ARCHER: Is it not? I just assumed.
LANA: Why exactly?
ARCHER: I don’t know. They look like spies on the poster.
LANA: What do spies look like, Archer?
ARCHER: Like us? But… less bow-chicka-wow-wow.
LANA: Do you see what I’m doing right now?
ARCHER: Bomb diffusal?
LANA: Yes.
ARCHER: Why are you mentioning that?
LANA: Why are you talking about When In Bruges?!
ARCHER: ’Cause I thought you liked Belgium?
LANA: I hate Belgium!
ARCHER: You’ve been to Belgium?
LANA: We’ve been to Belgium! Multiple times!
ARCHER: I don’t remember Bruges.
LANA: You were sauced on schnapps.
ARCHER: Schnapps are German, aren’t they?
LANA: We followed a German guy, from Frankfurt, through Belgium, and then caught up with him at the French border. How could you possibly forget that?
ARCHER: Too many schnapps?
[Lana goes back to diffusing the bomb]
ARCHER: What is it with Germans trying to get to France through Belgium?
LANA: Is that a World War I reference?
ARCHER: The Schlieffen Plan was an impressive feat of military logistics and engineering, even though it did ultimately bring about the stalemate it was meant to avoid.
LANA: What did I tell you about discussing the Schlieffen Plan in my presence?
ARCHER: That I need to shut up about the Schlieffen Plan?
LANA: It’s your conversational crutch, Archer. You run out of things to say… you start talking about the Schlieffen Plan.
ARCHER: Well I was just trying to take your mind off whatever you’re doing.
LANA: Whatever I’m doing… you’re trying to take my mind off… whatever I’m doing.
ARCHER: Just trying to be nice, Lana.
LANA: Well I’m trying to prevent this whole city block from going UP IN SMOKE! Including our dumbasses with it!
ARCHER: I’m standing right here, you don’t have to shout.
LANA: AGHGHGH! [Takes deep breath, and returns her attention to snipping colored wires]
ARCHER: Lana.
[Lana ignores him]
ARCHER: Lana…
[Lana ignores him]
ARCHER: [Sucking in air in preparation to shout] LANAAA — !
LANA: WHAT?!
ARCHER: What do you not like about Belgium? It’s a lovely country.
LANA: Oh gee, let’s see! If it’s not raining it’s drizzling, there’s bureaucracy on top of bureaucracy, they put mayonnaise on everything except Brussels sprouts —
ARCHER: And?
LANA: …OK fine, maybe I don’t know why I hate Belgium so much. But I do. Okay, Archer? I just do.
ARCHER: Fair enough. [Pausing] It’s too bad because that chocolate really is —
[The bomb’s countdown timer starts to descend rapidly, beeping loudly after Lana cuts the wrong wire. She and Archer look at each other, then dash out of the apartment and begin fleeing down the hall.]
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INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS
LANA: Damn it! Damn it! Why do you always distract me?
ARCHER: How’s this on me? I was just trying to help.
LANA: By making me think about Bruges and Belgium?!
ARCHER: Just making conversation.
LANA: Did Ray get the building evacuated?
ARCHER: Probably.
LANA: I need to take a sabbatical. I can’t keep doing this.
ARCHER: Isn’t a sabbatical once every seven years?
LANA: I’m rounding up.
ARCHER: Well if you’re committed to it, I’ll get you a book on the Schlieffen Plan.
LANA: I don’t want to read about the Schlieffen Plan. I don’t wanna hear about the Schlieffen Plan EVER AGAIN!
ARCHER: I’m running right beside you, you don’t have to raise your voice.
LANA: It’s for EMPHASIS! Not VOLUME!
[Communication device beeps. Lana taps her earpiece.]
MALLORY (V.O.): So how did it go?
LANA: Hi Mallory, we couldn’t defuse the bomb, Archer kept talking about When in Bruges, we’re trying to escape before the building comes down.
MALLORY (V.O.): Oh that’s a shame, dear. But I do love Bruges!
LANA: Of course you do…
MALLORY (V.O.): The chocolate is just divine. Almost to die for. But then again —
[Lana terminates the connection]
ARCHER: Was that Mother?
LANA: Apparently you both like Belgium.
ARCHER: Who doesn’t like Belgium?
LANA: [To herself, through gritted teeth] A very long, and very isolated, sabbatical.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING — CONTINUOUS
[Arriving at the ground floor of the building and looking up at roughly where the apartment with the bomb is located. They wait in silence for several seconds.]
LANA: Don’t tell me it was a dud…
[An explosion high above them announces the bomb going off. Lana and Archer slowly turn around to see the fire and smoke coming out of a window of the building behind them. Not the one they just exited.]
ARCHER: Huh?
LANA: WHAT THE SHIT?!
ARCHER: Did we get the wrong address?
LANA: What the hell did I just spend the last two hours defusing?
ARCHER: An old-timey microwave?
[Both their communication devices beep]
LANA: Don’t answer that.
ARCHER: But it’s Mother…
LANA: Do you have a go bag that could get us out of the country?
ARCHER: Yes?
LANA: We’re going to Belgium.
ARCHER: Wait, really? Uh, right now?
LANA: If you don’t answer that thing, ignore your mother, and take me straight to Belgium… [Her eyes manage to convey the rest]
ARCHER: Meep… meep… are you serious?
LANA: Are you coming on my sabbatical?
ARCHER: Phrasing?
[Lana smiles and Archer silences the communication alert sound]
LANA: But if you mention the Schlieffen Plan even once. Ever, at all, if you say the name Helmuth von Moltke… the deal’s off.
ARCHER: No! That’s not fair! Lana! That’s… what the hell else are we going to talk about in Belgium?!
[Lana grabs Archer by the arm and starts dragging him toward the street as sirens wail in the distance]
FADE OUT.
