Reflections on Self-Reflection: The Curse of the Selfie
What is so cursed about a selfie? I don’t really know, but it curses me. I never allow my face to fall onto my retina. It’s bad enough in a mirror. Avoiding reflections is like a game, constantly making sure I’m not looking at myself.
I have to stop eating with spoons because I see my face when the spoon pulls away. It sucks seeing my reflection in almost any circumstance, but the selfie camera is just so cursed. I have no idea what it is, but if I have any confidence about anything at all, all it takes is one look into a selfie camera. Just having the camera set the wrong way where it’s flipped toward you and accidentally turning it on — that’s self-destruct. That’s the whole day, right there. Just go back to bed, start from scratch.
Why? What is it that I hate so much? Is it jarring? Disturbing? There’s so much asymmetry. I find the asymmetry disturbing. Is it the look in my eye? There’s something there that’s really weird.
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Looking into that face makes me despair. It’s like, that is an ugly, ugly, ugly motherfucker. Why? Is it symmetry? Posture? The way I’m holding my face? Or is this just a useless process? Is this just self-flagellation? Is that the trigger for all my insecurities? The best way to set off a total self-flagellation cascade?
This is psychic flagellation. I’m not physically hitting myself, but I’d almost be better off physically doing anything. There’s this inability to externalize these extreme negative emotions that might make it seem like they aren’t as bad as they are, but they are so painfully negative. They’re so, “You suck. You’re the worst. You’re disgusting. What is wrong with you? How is that a face? It looks like a fucking foot.” It’s just constant, coming back over and over.
From what I’ve heard from other people, it just seems really crazy. Not that I’m some kind of whatever — it has nothing to do with the discrepancy between my face and a foot. It’s just the extent of the vitriol, the extent of the dislike is kind of psychopathic. I suppose what difference does it make if you’re talking about yourself? I’m pushing and pulling on the same lever, acting like there’s two different people. I’m running around the table, pushing it and pulling it, going, “Stop! Keep it on that side! No, you keep it on that side!” It’s just one person.
I don’t think there’s any constructive or useful substrate under this. Maybe it just exists to explain why I feel — no, or maybe I’m trying to explain why sometimes I see an expression on someone’s face that I don’t understand. And it’s like, it must be because there’s something wrong with my face. And then when I see my face, it’s like, “Oh God, it’s just wrong in every way.”
I don’t understand how other people can like seeing themselves in a selfie camera. I’m happy for you. I think it’s great, you know? I love that people love themselves and the way they look. I’m just genuinely trying to parse that out. Why do I end the thing so badly?
