Threshold diary: Creep
I was walking through the forest at night, when I could sense fear creeping up on me. Everything turned even darker, and I could barely see.
A persuasive voice whispered in my mind, “You are lost, aren’t you? You have no idea what to do about your life, do you? Lost in a sequence of indifferent situations, you suffer your own existence. Don’t you? Admit it. You pretend that everything is alright, while your soul is dying deep within you. All your hopes and dreams are mere illusions to hide the bleak reality you have to face every day.”
It wouldn’t even let me speak and just went on, “You’re just a weird creep. Like many others. Yet somehow excluded from the rest. A special kind of strange. You feel your despair for seeing the life you desire die with every day that does not live up to your hopes. Why are you still wasting your time with hope anyway? How often has that worked out so far? You know that it is all bullshit. Admit it. The world is slowly but inevitably burning to ashes. Things could be done, but they won’t, because I rule the world. The masses are controlled by fear, and any resistance is futile. What are you going to do? Kill me? Here, take this flaming sword and go ahead.”
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And fear conjured a burning sword, floating in the air in front of me, ready to be wielded.
I took a deep breath and smiled, “So I can help you burn the world? No, thank you.”
The voice continued, “Oh, but you will never escape me. I will be with you, always. You can’t control me. Eventually, I will break you, and you will just collapse into yourself.
Do you know, that you have suppressed trauma? Memories of things that happened to you, if you would remember them, you would spend the rest of your life broken. There is a good reason you don’t want to remember. When you least suspect it, I will bring those memories back, and you will never recover.”
I nodded, “Maybe. Or maybe, it would be a lie, an illusion created by my imagination. Something I could convince myself of that actually never happened. Or perhaps it is actually true. But there is a chance, that I will overcome it and keep going despite the horror of my past. Memories have the benefit of being situations that are already over. The fact that I have made it this far and am still going gives me enough hope to continue.”
I paused, the voice remained silent, so I carried on, “You are right, I can’t control you. Whatever you want to show me, you will. And I could run from it. Or I will have to suffer through it. But as long as I am suffering, I am still here. As long as you are here, I am alive.”
The voice sounded different. “Not bad. But reason will only get you halfway up the mountain, and the higher you climb, the higher the fall.”
