a cautionary tale
Be yourself. It sounds really cheesy, and if I read this, I’d roll my eyes and go to the next thing. But, hear me out. When I was little, I was unapologetically me. But, as I got older, I became terrified of being seen as different. This started in about fourth or fifth grade. I saw my life like a dumb high school movie with different cliques. And, I began noticing that my friends would be seen as the “weirdos”. So, what did I do? I pushed away all my friends. And, in order to do this, I became a bully. I’m not proud of it. I feel so guilty about it to this day. But I saw the movies where the mean girls were worshipped. And, I didn’t want to be associated with my old friends. I was so terrified of butting in where I wasn’t wanted, so I, having no friends, sat alone every day, waiting for the girls I wanted to be friends with to invite me to their table. They did every day, then the next day I sat alone again, waiting for them to ask me to eat with them. It became a routine; I told myself I didn’t want to seem too eager. Then, I built up the courage to sit with them without an invitation. But, eventually, the bullying on my part got really bad. And, my new friends heard about it, and obviously, because life isn’t a dumb high school movie where the mean girl is worshipped, they didn’t exactly love me for it. I eventually apologized to the girl I was so horrible to, and she says it’s ok and is still my friend, but I will feel terrible about my actions forever. And that’s what I deserve.
Get Joanna Lawrence’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
But the aftermath of my being a horrible person caused me to have zero friends. So, I spent my time with books. Books didn’t know how horrible I was; they didn’t hate me, they didn’t reject me. I had realized that what I had done was wrong, so I pushed myself into a tiny box. I was terrified of being noticed. I wore the same thing every day: a white T-shirt, black sweatpants, a wool hat, and a sweatshirt of my choice. Keep in mind, this outfit continued to be my uniform until the summer, when I was walking home from school in temperatures in the 90s and triple digits. I was so quiet, I never spoke my opinions, and I squished myself down. I was so terrified of being something people hated that I became something that I hated. To this day, I cannot think of myself at that age because I am so embarrassed.
Remember, life is not a dumb high school movie. Everybody hates a mean girl. Just watch Mean Girls. And, don’t change yourself for other people. Be yourself. I was miserable and living in a constant fear of what others would think. And, believe me, I am not out of the woods. Not by a long shot, but I’m improving.
I feel like a lot of people experience things similar to this. I know I’m not special. I’m just sharing my story so other people can relate and not feel alone.
