I’ve Never Been Okay

I’ve never been “right.”

I’ve never fit in.

I’ve never had money.

And, on those rare occasions, when I’ve had more than a dollar in my pocket, I’ve given it all to someone else.

All of it.

I’ve spent most of my lifetime, since I was 10 years old, raising other people’s kids.

Oh, don’t applaud, I’m a shitty stand in parent, I fuck everything up. The only thing I’m good at is being there.

I’ve always believed other people when they told me they were better, richer, smarter, funnier, more talented than me.

And I’ve always wondered why these people in particular don’t seem to like me.

Now, in 2020, thanks to the Medium app, I’ve been able to read scores of brilliant essays by people of all ages, gender types, sexual preference, color, ethnic background and, through my study of these texts, I’ve come to this conclusion: It’s not me they don’t like, it’s what I represent.

When I am passive, I represent weakness.

When I am vengeful, I represent violence.

When I am generous, I represent foolishness.

When I am taking care of others, I represent sacrifice.

When I was drunk, I represented destruction and the spoiling of gifts.

Now that I’m 68, I represent the so-called Boomer generation. And, according to quite a few Medium…