The ties that bind.
You never think your life will change eating Korean BBQ (unless it’s really good BBQ I suppose). But last night over a delicious meal of pot stickers and Brussel’s sprouts my phone rang. It was the transplant team informing me that I had been matched with a donor.
For 112 days I’ve been staring at my phone willing it to ring. Since I’m about to go in, I figured I’d share an insight that I hope you can take to heart. My therapist asked me this week if I felt hopeless or if I felt it would be easier if I wasn’t around. In therapy circles, this line of questioning is to assess whether I was experiencing suicidal ideation. That sounds heavy (especially for folks who’ve never worked with a therapist) but it’s something that people experience in times of trauma or mental distress.
I responded saying “I don’t feel hopeless, I’m just unable to feel hopeful.” That’s an important distinction. The hardest part of these last few months has been the inability to make forward progress in my life. For almost 6 months, I’ve been treading water while my chin gets slowly closer to the surface.
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As I age, self improvement has become a central part of my life. The search for harmony and inner peace is where I put a lot of my energy and for 6 months I’ve been unable to find either. It’s not for a lack of desire but a situational reality. I can see a vision for my future and it is bright and hopeful but I’m at a fork in the road that ends one of two ways: I get through the surgery, I heal, and I can resume paddling forward OR I don’t. That’s not morbid, it’s just the place I find myself in. I can’t remain in my current condition so I am forced into this inflection point. The decision is out of my hands and there’s a level of peace in that realization.
So what has this taught me…? I think what I’ve gained is a realization that so much of what holds us back are binds of our own making. Our motivation, self-worth, outlook on the future are all tinted by our insecurities, anxieties, and fears. If I could give you one gift, it would the reminder that those mental prisons you lock yourself in are just that — a creation of our own making. Too tired, sad, busy, scared, angry to invest in your own happiness? Remember that forward momentum is the antithesis of inaction. Until you’ve been stripped of your ability to put one foot in front of the other, you don’t appreciate the difference between mental and physical limitations. If you’re reading this and have felt that inertial drag against progress, put your feet on the floor and start moving forward. It will make all the difference. There’s a quote from a story I have grown to love and it feels appropriate for this time and place:
“All that we have is that shout into the wind — how we live. How we go. And how we stand...”
I’ve been so fortunate to witness your collective lives and I truly value each one of you. I’ll see you when I wake up.
John
