Reverse Psychology.
I’ve always had this contrarian complex going on, since childhood. When people gave me expectations, goals, or responsibilities, I always wanted to do the opposite. When I was constantly told what I was capable of when I was younger, I didn’t want any of it. It’s very childish to push away encouragement, but sometimes that overly positive stuff can just make me uncomfortable. It’s not like I don’t believe when people give me positivity, I just know there’s a lot of disingenuous amounts going around. Like the ridiculous amounts where people go off spouting it in every direction to the point where you say “alright, you don’t even mean it anymore.”
It’s not like I’m walking around saying we’re all going to die, I don’t think I’m a cynic. I just believe when someone wants to be genuinely encouraging occasionally, you’ll feel it and hold onto it. We don’t need to portray this image considering what others will think about us constantly.
I’m rambling.
Get Jordan Robinson’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
Radio. School. When I joined this course, I applied for funding and I had to write about how it will benefit my community by me attending this course. I wrote about how I want to strengthen my voice and gain new tools. That’s paraphrasing but you the basic idea. I didn’t lie, I wanted to do both of those. I really want to have some fun and just talk. If it goes into a deeper type of meaning, then sure, I’ll do it. I still want to be silly and joke around. Get away with a curse word once in a while(maybe). I know I’m still childish, but it’s what keeps me grounded sometimes.
I can speak and write some meaningful things to people sometimes, but it’s not going to be gold with every single shovel break of the soil. There’s going to be a lot of dirt from me before we get to the treasures. A lot. I know it’s not expected of me to be on a pedestal all the time, but I feel like that’s the way I need to sell myself. Trying to find the balance is difficult on its own, but I got to go do the hoop jumping in the real world soon.
I looked at summer jobs already and panicked. I know I don’t want to go back to my old job. But what’s weird is when I was searching through local jobs online, I seen the posting for my old job. It was the same place, same hours, same days. I thought about it for a second. But then I said no way, why would I go back when I finally broke away from it.
Then I thought about the familiarity, the simplicity. Then I realized that it’s the people I miss more than anything. I miss the people from everywhere I’ve been. The casino, the car-wash, the mental institution, the people I’ve met and left in my years.
But those people have always told me I can do better with my life, and I used to constantly do the opposite. So here we are, let’s keep trying going forward.
