Beyond ‘Toxic Masculinity’: The Way to Help Blokes
Pragmatism.
It’s a word I associate with two significant men. Two men who have influenced the expression of my own masculinity.
These being my father, and my father-in-law. Both hard working. Both accomplished in their own, very different, fields.
Their approach to life, as much as their work, would appear to be something like this:
‘Life is a continuous series of problems to solve with eventual and inevitable solutions to find value and meaning in. Whether these be successes or failures. The net benefit is a life well spent through service to others, in the workplace and in the home.’
Neither of them would put as many words to it as I just did, but if you look at their actions, this is the role they model.
Consider:
A broken down air-compressor holding up a factories 24/7 production cycle…
A young person with dyslexia not having their literacy needs met through mainstream schooling…
Each problem and the corresponding process of critical thinking, troubleshooting, assessing progress, continuing on or going back to the drawing board is pragmatic.
Each pragmatic effort corresponds with a benefit or payoff. Intrinsically as an individual, through growth of a profitable buisness, or as a society that cares for it’s vulnerable and marginalised.
Pain and gain. Check the process:
- What’s the problem?
- How do we fix it?
- Do we have what I need to fix it?
- If not, can I get the thing, learn the thing?
- If not, can I find the right bloke to deal with this?
The ‘right bloke’ might be Steve the Electrician or Sophie the Speech Pathologist. Horses for courses.
Tradespeople, as far as they are able will use ‘the right tool for the job’. Sometimes settling for an alternative tool out of conveniance or necessity.
If the ‘job’ is that 3144 Australians died by suicide in a calendar year, the right ‘tool’ is a crisis support workforce that is diverse enough to be attractive and relatable to Aussies from a huge range of life experiences.
…
I entered the mental health field professionally during a global pandemic completing my training with Lifeline Australia Feb-June 2020. While Coles and Woolies became warzones and the business and social world grinded to a halt… I learnt microskills, role-played hundreds of scenarios, received contsructive feedback, and eventually got talking to real blokes (and other people too) on the phone.
I was male then (still am), and 28 years old (no longer the case). I was met with a fair dose of culture shock. Not so much from the guys in distress on the phone, but the enviroment in which I worked. Yes, my psychology classes had been filled with women in their early 20s. But the philosophy and service delivery within a publicly funded system (progressive, egalitarian, feminine — for lack of a better term) was not something I had experienced in working life prior.
I’m routinely reminded that I need to consider my worldview and any inherent bias or prejudice when integrating with a diverse crowd. Which is a good thing for ALL of us to be doing, as much as it can feel tiring.
Basically, I felt like the wrong tool for this job.
My natural game is to be problem-solution focussed as has been modelled to me (see the openning serction). My initial training in crisis support intentionally set about undoing this. To be present in a crisis call is to not skip ahead, but to build connection, assess need, reaffirm and empower. The help-seeker needs support in the present moment and if things go a certain way there might not be any other moments to address the problem in the future.
There’s acknowledgemnt of problems and solutions, but it’s always “back to today” and not the tomorrow, next week and next 6 months. Alot of it was about distracting from the worst of the crisis, whethering the storm for today, and doing it all again tomorrow.
I’m glad that was my introduction to the world of mental health. It was hugely valuable and I have used the care model and skills routinely even after moving out of crisis work.
I wish I could say that men moving out of crisis service and connecting with services to address their ongoing and mid-long termmental health and wellbeing would be met with a solutions-focussed experience.
My experience of going on to work in these services would suggest that (in general) mental health services and psycho-socio-emotional support of different kinds are broadly shaped around the less focussed, and men often describe as a ‘feminine’ approach. The idea that:
“All people, regardless of biological or socially contructed / cultural expressions of gender need to meet with another person and get into their feelings. Talking will help. Reach out to the people you’ve never had anything to do before this point and tell them all the hardest parts of your experience. Oh and also, we want to go way into your childhood. If you don’t access your feelings, you are the problem. We call that Toxic Masculinity”.
Solutions focussed? Well, it could be. But alot of men I’ve interacted with are not confident that these services are helpful… or maybe they are, but not for them.
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Last year for ‘Mens Health Week’ I prepared a talk to present within the public mental health service I was working in. Here’s the guts of it:
“I’ve met some great guys who have welcomed me into the most vulnerable times in their lives. We often use a simple structure to support consumers to frame the challenges they face: Goals, Barriers and Actions. With this model I’ll share briefly my heart for men accessing community health services.
GOAL: Provide a safe non-judgemental strength-based support to men that sees them as individuals holistically.
BARRIERS: navigation of services that must be constantly vigilant of genuine risks associated with domestic and gendered violence. Also the necessary focus on vulnerable people groups; alot of men feel that publicly funded supports and systems are not designed or delivered for them personally but instead for their female partners or others of diverse identity expression. We appear to be in a difficult place culturally where affirming men in their strength, and power (for good purposes in their lives) is a very tricky conversation without alienating or emotionally triggering others. For victim survivors of abuse it would make complete sense to be uncomfortable with the affirming of those masculine traits. However, not all men are abusers and not all men use their strength and power for nafarious purposes. Another big barrier is the cultural conditioning — that we are all aware of — that (on average) men tend to process their emotions differently from women and others (on average). A practical issue associated with this: face to face conversation can be very intimidating for many men (fortunately there are work arounds).
ACTIONS: I’ve found much encouragement in the flexibility within wellbeing service delivery (farewell dreams of becoming a psychologist) that is present and future focused and holistic to encourage men along the line of their strengths. In my own practice this means flexibility with leaving a clinical environment and doing ‘outreach’ or even playing mini golf to get side by side and less eye contact. This support often includes eventual referral to an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker in Geelong who consistently hits the mark for guys and my referrals speak very highly of the trauma informed therapy they receive.
A goal for me personally is to provide a similar level of care for men within my capacity as a wellbeing worker, validating strength while holding men to account for using that strength for good, not bad. So believe in yourself or believe in the men in your life! If you are a good man or love one, affirm them in their strengths when used for the benefit of themselves and society.”
…
Hopefully you can see here an example of the solutions-focussed problem solving that resonates with men who value pragmatism.
I received alot postive feedback on these ideas at the time, especially from women who care deeply for a guy in their life that appears to be falling through the cracks in our broken system.
My focus has changed recently in line with what I’m best at. This being providing a holistic support to people with psycho-social disability and/or neurodiversity.
One of the saddest realities of prejudice and discrimination towards anyone with disability is to be overlooked (disciminated against) in the full expression of their identity. I’m thinking particularly of the men and teenage males I work with every week. Of the care-teams that support these men and boys and the degree to which they are met with strengths-based care.
(Not real names)
Example 1: Julian
35-year-old male married to Jayde and father to 9-month-old Verity. Incredibly creative guy. Decorates his home and garden for Halloween and Christmas. Built a hospital on Roblox with a self-sustaining economy which I can’t get my head around. A provider. An innovator. A dreamer. A comic book guru and lego master.
Problem: Julian has been routinely let down by disability support services who over-promise and under-deliver. Unless he starts to see some benefit from this system he will disengage and suffer unsupported.
Solution: Julian experiences enough benefit from this system to outweigh the costs associated with engaging with this system.
Example 2: Travis
15-year-old male. Neurodiversity made his mainstream school experience difficult. Currently home-schooled and happier in an environment that demands less conformity to neurotypical processes. Focusses intensely on areas of interest. Great sense of humour. Particularly cheeky with his mum who also shares some of his ‘geeky’ interests.
Problem: Travis is being told by many adults around him that he needs to pick ‘goals’ and work towards them. Allied-health professionals assess him and document everything that he struggles with in long reports which other adults then discuss at length (for some reason, who knows). Travis is 15.
Solution: Travis has his disability support reframed as an exploration of wellbeing. Instead of being labelled and processed in a system that is strangely obsessed with his ‘deficits’, he begins to gain confidence through building skills through topics and activities that he is actually interested in.
Example 3: Andrew
65-year-old male married to Louisa. Louisa’s health is not what it used to be. The couple has led an incredibly exciting life full of love, laughter and travel. Andrew has never been boxed in or controlled by ‘the man’. As a young bloke he rebelled against his families expectations: quit his boring job and sailed from Australia to a Pacific Island nation. It was an incredible life-changing adventure.
Problem: Andrew is now navigating a complex medical/disability system at a time in his life that he would rather be relaxing, and enjoying time with his wife. Nothing is simple, and everything has its process. Anxiety would appear to be driving much of Andrew’s experience, taking his attention away from things he trully values.
Solution: Andrew needs to address the administration of the complicated system because Louisa can’t do it for herself. However, he needs to do so operating from a place of wellness in himself and not feeling overwhelmed or reactive. Engaging with the system becomes a means to an end (i.e. a good life) and not life itself. He’s the same guy who needed an adventure.
I’m not going to do the work for you on outlining what barriers these guys have in moving towards their situation, or the actions that they and their care teams are implementing. Hopefully you can see that acknowledging that these guys 1. have a problem, and 2. need a solution is a simple and affirming place to start.
Would they benefit from talking about their feelings? Maybe. Perhaps if regulating emotions was a barrier towards reaching their solution. But who are we to assume that it’s the barrier to prevent the way forward?
If we spend the time to get to know what men want, address that with them instead of projecting a ‘one-approach-for-all’ onto them, I think we will see better engagement of men in this system.
I can assure you if you get to know men like the examples above, and start with their strengths instead of their weaknesses you will do a lot better. If you are not good at thinking through what men are good at, I would encourage you to consider what they do for work or what they pour their energy into.
The halloween enthusiast drawing a map of what he wants this years yard decoration/experience to consist of…
The teen gamer following a set of ordered objectives on their way to a mission as part of Red Dead Redemption 2.
An older man who has been bold in rejecting a system that didn’t work for him, holding firm to his values and persuing the life he wants rather than what his family expected of him…
All journeys that need time and focus. All pragmatic, in their own masculine ways.
Justin Hill is a builder of capacity and leader of care teams. He’s backing his readers to consider their worldview as he himself often has to do.
