Life isn’t a race. You’re not falling behind.
I’ve heard those words so many times. People around me kept telling me that I’m not falling behind, even I felt drained inside. I do believe them. I believe that I’m not falling behind, that I’m simply walking on my own path. Yet, somewhere inside me, I still question it.
People my age seem to have done things that I haven’t done yet. They seem to be freely walking their own paths, making connections, building careers, finding love, and discovering themselves. Meanwhile, I’m still sitting on my couch and wondering about all the things I haven’t achieved yet.
I wonder why I haven’t achieved anything yet. Am I taking the wrong path? Am I not doing enough? Or do I simply not deserve those things?
I know, everyone has their own paths, and it seems unfair to compare them. Because we never know the whole story behind someone else’s journey. We never know what they’ve been through, what they’ve done to get where they are. But, knowing all of these, never gets rid of the guilt inside me. I kept worrying and wondering.
What if I had been braver before?
What if I had never chosen this path?
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What would it be like?
Would I be better than this?
But then.
Why should I feel left behind, if I’m walking on my own path? Who am I competing with, if there’s only me on this path?
I used to treat my whole life as a race. I kept trying to win, even though I never knew who I was competing with, even though there was never a finish line to begin with. I kept blaming myself, for something that has never been my fault. I kept worrying about things that hadn’t even happened yet.
Perhaps I don’t have to win anything.
Perhaps life was never a race.
Their path isn’t mine. Their timing isn’t mine.
Perhaps I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Even if I don’t know where I’m going yet.
