The Empath’s Guide to Discerning Givers from Takers
I used to be naïve. I thought everyone had the same good intentions I did.
Some people do.
Some have lower relational maturity.
And others will happily take for as long as you’re willing to give.
Why does it matter if you’re willing to give?
Because you’re taking away from you.
From what you would otherwise pour back into yourself.
Okay. Let’s get to it.
1. Do they check in?
Simple question. Do they actually care? Lean back and let them show you who they are.
2. When you’re down, what do they offer?
Care? A conversation? A grocery pickup? Soup? Understanding?
You’ll find many people offer… nothing.
3. What is their response capacity?
When you share something deep, do they freeze, stay vague, or meet you there?
This one is subtle, but people are always showing you their emotional availability.
4. How often are you inconvenient?
Healthy relationships include inconvenience.
Sometimes it’s smooth — but when it’s not, what happens?
Do they make time? Learn your love language? Hear hard things about themselves?
Or are you always bending toward them and never the other way around?
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5. Do they check their content?
You love a good hangout — but do the math.
How much of the time were they talking?
How often did they ask about you or try to balance the conversation?
6. How safe do you feel around them?
Are you saying you prefer pizza over poke bowls?
Are you having that glass of wine for them or for you?
State your preferences.
Feeling safe enough to have preferences is a healthy place.
7. Pull. The. Fuck. Back.
Today I empathed so hard I almost texted the cleaner to tell her she could come whenever she wanted — because she wasn’t expecting me to be in the country and I didn’t want to rush her.
Me: She committed to 9:30 a.m. Let her be.
Also me: But I want her to feel at ease around me.
Me: Why?
Also me: Because I want her to like me.
Oddly enough, people treat you better when you aren’t concerned with whether they like you or not.
8. Understand the foundations of reciprocity.
Reciprocity is measured across layers:
Physical: I give you an apple, you give me a pear.
Mental: I share an anecdote about Gandhi; you share a fact about engineering.
Emotional: I listen to you about your boyfriend; you listen to me about my son.
Spiritual: I share insights on discernment; you share how body sensations connect to emotions.
Which layers can they meet you on?
9. How much invisible labor are you carrying that isn’t being matched?
Are you always refilling the glasses?
When there is tension, are you the one protecting? Defending? De-escalating?
There’s a cost to that.
Energy.
And it’s yours.
— — — — — — — — — — — — —
Most empaths are healers.
They say healers need protectors.
I say, empaths need to learn to protect themselves too.
