Member-only story
What Is a Boundary, Structurally?
Why declaring what you will allow is not the same as changing what your system permits
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People understand boundaries as something they establish. They decide what they’ll tolerate, communicate their limits, and tell someone what is acceptable and what isn’t.
Once they’ve said it, they believe they have established a boundary.
But what happens when that boundary is challenged?
You can tell yourself you’re not going to explain every decision you make. You understand that other people are allowed to disagree with you, and you don’t need their approval to make choices about your life.
Then when someone whose opinion matters to you becomes disappointed, they question your decisions, their tone changes, and they become upset. And before you realize it, you’re explaining.
You’re defending a decision you had already made. You’re trying to get them to understand your reasoning. You start reconsidering something you were comfortable with before the conversation began.
Afterwards, you recognize what happened…you knew your boundary, understood why you needed it, and intended to maintain it. So why did it become difficult to hold?
