Outside, Looking In
Never have I ever hated a film as much as I did “Inside Out”. When this generally-beloved movie hit box offices nationwide, I wanted to be anywhere but in a theater with my Girl Scout troop watching Riley spiral from uncertainty to depression to dissociation. Anywhere but, though it was the socially-acceptable move to join in on the ‘fun’, so I did my social duty. And I hated every second of it.
The afternoon (yes, I do remember it was an afternoon showing, though it was eleven years ago) that our band of mostly-merry children and somewhat-annoyed (with me) mom-leaders ventured into a dark room to watch a heart-lightening tale of emotion, I was wishing we had chosen to watch a different selection. I believe I was gunning for a sci-fi movie with a fair amount of action (and not a whole lot of deep emotion), led by one of the Chris’s — I can’t remember which: if it was Pine, it would’ve been “Z for Zachariah”; if Pratt, “Jurassic World”. But no, little action-seeking Cecilia saw no violence or mind-twisting logical puzzles. Instead, she sat in a dark theatre with the only movie she would ever truly loathe.
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The young Cecilia would not have been able to find the words to rationalize her vitriol, but perhaps now, eleven years later, I might be able to shed some light on this, perhaps shocking, position. At the time (2015), I would’ve been in 7th grade, smack in the middle of junior high, and I was…I was going through it. If I had had the mind to be honest with my doctor, it would probably…no, definitely…have been described as a deep-seated and visceral form of depression. For me, with this movie, I hated two very different things. For one, I hated Riley for getting what I felt to be the easier time of it. She missed her old life with lots of friends, and so her depression/dissociation was rooted in needing to shut down in order to follow through with running away. Added onto this was also the recognition that, even if Pixar needed to consolidate an emotional arc into a feature-length film, my journey…I couldn’t see the resolution that Riley eventually found (after two days in her depressed reality). My depression at the time came from something more resentful and angry…I didn’t have many friends to fall back on, nor did I have much confidence in my self-identity. Looking back, I was really depressed/dissociated for a lot of 2015 (and 2014 and 2016 as well). At the time, it led me down very dark rabbit holes and to dark actions, so I truly disliked Riley for what I perceived as her “Depression Lite”.
I also, at the time, hated my Girl Scout troop for watching pain like spectacle. I hated that, during the credits, I was crying because I understood and they were sniffling because it was so good. I felt emotionally unsafe and physically unseen. But, and I admit, I was expecting people to see my struggle even as I was keeping it as close to my chest as possible. Where I was exuding pain and sorrow, I know others saw “Keep out” or “Beware of RBF, she means it”.
Never have I ever hated a film as much as I do “Inside Out”. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the complexity in both score and screenplay. No longer do I despise Riley for her Disney-ified mental health struggle — in fact, I empathize with her now, having gone through many periods of those different forms of depression (or, again, what probably would have been labeled as such had I not lied on the screening tests) myself. But I also understand that it wasn’t the movie which I hated. It was the chasm between what was being understood on screen and what wasn’t being understood within me. As such, it’s a complex relationship, based around the vibe of feeling too much.
