😑
By now, you know I write based on a whim — literally anything can spark it. A show, a conversation, a song, a book… even an emotion. Today, or whenever I write this, it’s an emotion. Fear, mainly.
Growing up — and maybe even now, to some — emotions were like those VIP passes you’re supposed to have but never actually show. If you did, you were labeled weak or overdramatic. Especially for men — where’s the “no feelings allowed” rulebook, right? For women, it was kind of expected, but if you showed too many feelings, then, well, you’re just being “too much.”
This never made sense to me, especially since I was the type of kid (and adult, if we’re being honest) who wore their heart on their sleeve. Not in the “cry at every movie” kind of way, but in the “if I feel something, you’re going to know about it” way.
But here’s the thing — why is it such a big deal when someone shows their emotions? Isn’t that what makes us human? Even animals have emotions, so why is it a shock when we do? Like??? 🤷🏽♀ Make it make sense, please.
Anyway, I’ve gone way off track (because, again, it doesn’t make sense), but back to why I started writing this — I have always been a fearful person. Afraid to be break the rules. Afraid to step out of line. Afraid to go against the norm, to challenge the status quo. And while that kept me safe, it also kept me confined. Too afraid to leave my little cocoon, I watched as life passed me by. Opportunities passed me by. Heck, even people and experiences passed me by too.
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I don’t dwell on it too much because I believe everything happens for a reason — maybe those things just weren’t my path. But still, there’s a tinge of regret I can’t quite shake off.
That said, I’m not the type to sit around sulking. I’m more of the “I won’t try because I’m afraid of failing, but then I fail because I didn’t try” type. Fear’s always been there.
But here’s the thing: I figured the best way to conquer fear is to do the things that scare me. (Yes, it’s like a personal growth challenge but with a lot of “what am I doing” moments — totally fun, right? No. I might be lowkey scaring myself a tad bit much. Maandamano definitely showed me things. 😂 but again when’s the next one because yoh😅 (wanaongeza salaries but doctors can’t get posted, or hospitals working,) I digress again……
Anyway, guess what? The more I do it, the less fear controls me. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not out here living a 100% fearless life. I mean, I am scared pant less that must go will not go, and my thriving years are — you know, this mumbo-jumbo. Or worse, he sticks to power, and we have a repeat of ‘07/ ’08 (knock on wood). But I’m less “OMG, what will happen to me?” and more “Even if it happens, I’ll pivot — just like I have before.” Strongly coupled with “but what if it works out?”
I mean, reminding myself that sisi ni watu wakubwa na hakuna mtu atanichapa 🤷🏽♀😂 helps too. That, and remembering that the worst someone can say is no in some scenarios helps.
All this to say — fear is a normal human emotion and reaction that’s not going anywhere, but damn, it can be limiting. Even to the best of us. I hope we find the courage to face it, or at the very least, give it a backseat in our lives where it can ride along but never take the wheel.
🌸 Kat Kinoti 🌸
