The walk
Everything was spiralling down and the stream saved me.
I was trying to hold it together by telling myself it would pass, but nothing had improved since last evening, and my body was getting heavier, making it difficult to even get out of bed. The thoughts resembled a hundred bouncing balls in my head, clashing and hitting the walls, bouncing in no particular direction. The pain was real, not just psychological. The heaviness from the mind began to creep into every cell of my body, making me want to scream the hell out!!!
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It was around mid-afternoon, and I was lying with my face down, tears soaking my pillow. I kept repeating to myself, “It will pass,” but my mind couldn’t hear it amidst all the chaos, and it was just getting worse. All the pain, hurt, and existential questions at once!! I needed to break the cycle, but I had no energy to even move. The last option was to talk to someone, and after a lot of fighting, I called my friend with a lot of guilt for taking his time and causing the trouble. He picked up my call, and the conversation started with “Do you trust me?” and then went on to question the base of connections: what are belief systems? Are we mere animals conditioned to pass on this conditioning? Is this life just a fight for survival, or is there more to it? Of course, it is impossible to conclude these topics, but it did give a break to my thoughts and a slight sense of relief, yet the pain and heaviness persisted.
I had no energy to cook, so I just ordered some food, which filled me with even more guilt for eating unhealthy junk. Anyway, I gulped it down while watching House of Cards (season 2, episode 5) and took a shower to feel better. It was a full moon, and I had to cleanse and charge my crystals, so I lit my Palo Santo and left them on my windowsill for the night. A gush of wind, not so cold for the December month, blew across and into the room, leading to the immediate next thought: “I NEED SOME FRESH AIR.”
Before I knew it, I was dressed in my most comfortable shoes, not knowing where to go or which turn I would take next. I thought maybe I could go to the supermarket to buy some lemons, and I started walking in that direction. By then, I failed to realize that the Universe had already taken over, leading me to my favourite park where a stream flows, creating a small waterfall. As I entered the park, I was drawn to the point closest to the stream, and I sat on the wall, looking over to where exactly I had seen a girl sitting alone with her hands covering her face. Little did I know I would be there too sometime in the future.
I scanned the whole area around: the trees, the building on the other side of the stream with lights, and all the twigs and branches that were stuck right before the fall. The stream itself got narrower as it moved further. The stream was full of water as it had been raining for the past few days. I imagined myself just floating away in the cold water with no pain and nothing to control, going with the water, which felt good. My focus was drawn to right at the point where the water fell, forming the froth and all the roaring noise that could be heard throughout the park. It was quite loud and felt good again because I couldn’t hear my thoughts anymore. The water gurgling exactly resembled my brain: loud, frothy, and chaotic. I directed all my thoughts to that point in the stream because it was louder than my mind and had more power. The stream was so kind and soothing that it did not question or deny my request. It took everything that I was struggling with, all the thoughts and pain that was unnecessary for the progress of my life, and let it flow through her. I saw my thoughts flowing down the stream, and my mind slowly calming down. That’s how mother stream saved me from my chaos.
I walked back with a great sense of relief and all the space for self-love, positivity and new ideas that bombarded me on my way back. I entered my room and started my to-do list for the year 2024, and it hasn’t ended since. The Dark Night of the Soul isn’t easy, but when you do surrender to the universe and let it take over, you have unlimited love and creativity flowing through you. Be ready to take action!
