Diri
From the song “Diri” by Tulus
Ever since Tulus released this song, it has been on my mandatory weekly playlist. To accept what happened in the past, to let go, and to forgive. Yet, I always wonder, why is it so hard for me to forgive myself? Even forgiving others for their wrongdoing has always been much easier for me.
“Hari ini
Kau berdamai dengan dirimu sendiri
Kaumaafkan
Semua salahmu ampuni dirimu”
Then, a question hit me, “Why do I always feel the need to blame someone?” It is completely okay not to blame anyone for the bad things that happened to me. For so long, I have been incridibly hard on myself. I barely let her rest. I always prioritized everyone else over her.
“Hari ini
Ajak lagi dirimu bicara mesra
Berjujurlah
Pada dirimu, kau bisa percaya”
I realized that whenever I talk to myself, it is always to complain about why things do not go smoothly. Why I did this instead of that. So, while listening to this song, I finally tried to have a real conversation with her. To the soul whom I have hurt the most.
“Maafkan semua yang lalu
Ampuni hati kecilmu”
I cried. She is a part of me. She is the one who takes care of myself. All the cells and organs inside my body are working tirelessly just to keep me alive. That heart, which has been broken so many times by others, should not be hurt any further by the one who owns it.
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“Luka, luka, hilanglah luka
Biar tentram yang berkuasa
Kau terlalu berharga untuk luka
Katakan pada dirimu
Semua baik-baik saja”
This verse works like magic. Like a mantra. Somehow, I felt like something deep inside me was being repaired. Something was once torn apart was suddenly reconnected. It glowed, wrapping my whole body in a warm hug.
“Bisikkanlah
Terima kasih pada diri sendiri
Hebat dia
Terus menjagamu dan sayangimu”
In my twenty years of living, I have experienced uncountable heartbreaks. I have been sick, both mentally and physically. I even had to go through surgery four times. Looking back, I really should thank her. Even on the days when I did not even want to wake up, she still woke me up, gently reminding me that God still has something special out there for me to see. She reminds me that I am capable, I am strong, and I am enough.
“Suarakan
Bilang padanya, jangan paksakan apa pun
Suarakan
Ingatkan terus aku makna cukup”
In front of everyone, I always felt like I had to look okay, rather than actually being okay. I focused on making them happy, completely ignoring the chaos inside my own mind. I pushed myself tofinish my tasks, dismissing my body that cries for rest. But with her, I do not have to pretend to be anybody else. I just need to be myself. Even when I am hurt, weak, flawed, or at my worst, she does not care. She accepts me exactly as I am.
“Bila lelah, menepilah”
Instead of pushing through, she tells me that if I am tired, I can always take a break. Like those commercial breaks in the middle of a running TV show. That does not mean the story is over, it is there to remind us to breathe.
“Katakan pada dirimu
Semua baik-baik saja”
Now I finally agree. Everything will be okay.
Credits to TULUS. Thank you for the majestic mantra.
