The Choice
In recent years, I’ve observed a mechanism within myself that involves the relationship between emotion and responses to those emotions. As I walk through life, I see that I carry a proverbial filter. This filter is comprised of fears, anxieties, and apprehensions. Every word I speak, opinion I form, every choice I make is filtered through this “mask.” I may choose to avoid folks in my day to day life because deep down I hold a fearful belief that I am not lovable or welcome in the spaces I live, work, and play in. I may stray away from depth within a connection, because I hold a belief that if I show my true unedited self, I will be abandoned again. I may stop myself from asking for my needs to be met or believe that my needs are invalid due to this subconscious programming that I speak of.
This mask is the embodiment of self-protection. It holds a narrative that says, “I am not safe, so I must protect myself from danger.” Often this starts in childhood, but can carry deep into adulthood and even to the final resting place.
If you will, visualize with me. Drop into your chest and open up a space where the small you resides. The kid that needed this or that. The kid that didn’t know what to do in tough situations. The kid that didn’t get the love, attention, and care they needed in the moments they needed it the most. Even if this isn’t you as a child, find a form of you who feels lost, broken, like it split off from the pack at some point or another. Ask this version of yourself what they need? In that moment of need, when they didn’t receive what they needed, what was the response? Did they shut down? Did they disconnect? What is the root behind why they took the action they did out of self preservation? How does that play out in your day to day life right now? What decisions and actions are that version of yourself justifying and playing out still to this day?
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This is the point of identification. The realization of limitation cannot be unseen once noticed. It is clear now, the joke we play on ourselves. We struggle in pain and try over and over again to change and affix the exterior world to fit into a box that is acceptable and palatable to these wounded versions of self. We are on a constant course of finally manipulating a situation into the exact shape that fits our needs and doesn’t tickle the pain within. Then suddenly reality shifts and changes and we experience a feeling of instability. We feel that the rug has been pulled out from underneath us because we built our security on a faulty foundation. We placed our security in the hands of the world we see around us, rather than looking for it within ourselves. This is a tragic cycle that so many of us live in day to day. We wonder why we struggle so hard, why we always feel knocked down. We start to say things like, “Well that’s just my luck.” Because through this faulty mechanism, we have convinced ourselves that our story is an endless loop of suffering.
Step off the wheel. With clarity of self, proper patience and questioning we have a chance to prove that there is always a way out of the darkness. We can prove to ourselves that our God’s love IS unconditional. We realize that God will not save us, but rather that God has given US the tools to save ourselves from ourselves. The choice to throw away the old narrative is a powerful one. When we see through our own darkness… when we know its origins… when we know we place those burdens upon our very selves. It is then and only then that we take our lives back. We see that we truly create what is in front of us. Not to the level of matter, but to the level of perspective. It is a permission slip to SEE. We have the power to create such a life of pain, attachment, and suffering. And so… we have the power to create the inverse.
Today I grant myself permission to love those tender parts of me and release them of their duties with love and respect. Today, I make the bold decision to choose expansion over contraction. To choose love over fear. And so it is.
Commentary:
I was asked to write a weekly reflection for a spiritual organization’s newsletter. I did what I usually do and wrote what was on my heart. Much to my surprise, I was told that my piece will not be used. I began to wonder what the reasoning for me to write this truly was, if not to be used as the reflection. This promted me to add it to my blog here for others to find. I’m grateful to be able to share my heart with you right here :) Thanks for connecting. Blessings.
