useless.
tired, tired, tired. all i ever feel is tired. and i’m slowly getting fucking tired of feeling tired.
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“take an iron pill”, as if i hadn’t tried what feels like kilos of those and nothing changed.
“maybe you just need to get more sleep.” yes but also i somehow feel like 8 hours a night should be more than enough. also i hate the feeling of sleeping my life away. it feels somewhat necessary for survival but also so wasteful. so fucking wasteful. sometimes i wonder if all i ever do is waste the time that i have. filling my days to the brim with activities that i care less about every time i do them. i mean the time is elapsing anyways, the seconds running out, the day the lights turn off forever, closer each time i go to sleep. why does everything feel so useless, so wasteful. nothing makes sense, all feels absurd. what is the point of all of this. i suppose no one has delivered me an answer on a silver platter yet. it feels philosophers, professional and ‘want-to-be’ ones, have debated the purpose of our lives for decades and no one has found a satisfactory answer. i firmly believe that there is no point to all of this, that i do not really have a purpose but that all i can do is waste my time in ways that matter to me. i think i focus so much on the grand scheme of everything and the depressive maniac thoughts of the utter uselessness of my existence on this planet that i forget to enjoy the daily bits. life in my opinion is not lived in grand moments but rather the small enjoyments of daily habits, routines, inspirations, connections. have i been living my life all wrong? have i actually been living or have i been stuck in an endless film created in the confines of my own mind? what is real but the reality that you create for yourself? questions questions questions and no answers. is there a definite answer? do i need to pull one out of my ass? can someone tell me what to do ? can someone tell me what to believe and what to like and what to get angry about? can someone tell me what to wear in the morning and which shower gel to use in the evenings? can someone tell me what to eat and give me a script of what to say to strangers? i feel i finally understand fleabag.
